Hazelnuts and plaid

[Marian Hawke]

"Of course it's about Papa. What else would it be about?"

[Aveline Vallen]

Really? Aveline stares down at Marian. "...the distance between you and the rest of the Clan? Guilt over your drinking problem. Worry and guilt and whatever else from the fight between Merrill and Zevran. Betrayal and resentment about Varric leaving, about me working so much, about Merrill and Zevran fighting instead of being there for you. Or about the intervention we all staged. Grief."

[Marian Hawke]

"I don't feel... I don't feel betrayed. I know you were only trying to help. And... the fight between Merrill and Zevran was their problem, I don't... I tried not to get in the middle. No, I just feel... broken, inside. Something's wrong with me. I have this big pit in my soul I can't fill, no matter what I do. I thought it was Papa being missing, but he's back and it's not... better."

[Aveline Vallen]

Don't feel betrayed? That doesn't really seem to match but... something to maybe follow up on later. "When did you notice it?" she asks slowly.

[Marian Hawke]

"...when I was pregnant. I just... I couldn't be as happy as I pretended to be. I used to lay awake at night crying silently. I just felt... empty."

[Aveline Vallen]

"Gods Hawke, why-- why didn't you say something to us?" Aveline asks, voice breaking. "I understand why not Merrill, but why not-- why not me?

[Marian Hawke]

"I was scared. I thought it meant I would be a bad mum. After they went to Merrill, and after... after all that... when I started to recover from Papa leaving... I started to really fall in love with them, with the idea of them. Making the nurseries, I didn't have to fake happiness. I can't wait until they get here. But... I still feel empty, late at night when there's nothing to distract me. Why... why can't I just...?"

[Aveline Vallen]

"So it doesn't sound like it's the babes themselves," Aveline suggests slowly, a band easing around her heart. "But something about... about being a mother itself. Do you think it's about Leandra? Because-- well, I have no doubt you'll be a much better mother than her, but I can absolutely understand being afraid of that."

[Marian Hawke]

"Maybe," she says slowly. "But like Zevran pointed out, I had to practically raise my siblings. So I know how to take care of a child. I know I won't be like Mother. My babies are going to have a whole Clan that loves them. So... Maybe? Maybe it's just really buried?"

[Aveline Vallen]

"It's definitely something to work on," Aveline agrees, running her fingers through Hawke's hair. "But maybe I'm wrong. It could be something else. Something about being pregnant but not about the babes themselves..." She falls silent, thinking.

[Marian Hawke]

"I thought maybe it was hormonal, but... I'm not pregnant now and I still feel that way. And I think... I think it's been there a long time, only being pregnant, with my hormones and my body changing, made me notice it for the first time. You know how I never used to sleep well, and... and I never really felt worthy of being a Light..."

[Aveline Vallen]

"Oh. So maybe not related to being pregnant," Aveline says, humming softly. "What was it you said earlier... Hair. You said before, back in the jail, that you felt the same sort of 'wrong' about having long hair. Have you ever had long hair before? I can't recall ever knowing you with long hair but..."

[Marian Hawke]

"I had long hair the first time we met, but I started cutting it short pretty soon after that."

[Aveline Vallen]

"Did you?" She makes an 'alright then' noise. "Why did you cut it back then?"

[Marian Hawke]

"It kept getting in my face when I'd go adventuring and I hated braiding it every day. But... it made me happy, to see myself with short hair. So I kept it."