The Gig [Finished]

[yamikuronue]

Victoria wipes the last of her tears away, feeling drained, empty of anything but a vague self-hatred, and even that's at arms length.

She stands, arranging her skirts. She holds her head high, ignoring the mirror -- meaning she doesn't catch sight of how puffy her eyes are, how obvious it is she's been crying. She takes a few steps across the room, exaggerating how much her hips sway in an effort to compensate. She doesn't bother about shoes as she makes her way to the stairs and down them, eyes fixed straight ahead, an awkward smile fixed on her face as she tries to remember what face girls consider "neutral".

[accalia]

As she comes down the stairs she spots Tony easily, and yep he's pacing nervously. He's walking away from the stairs at the moment and the scarring on his back is clearly visible above and below his chest wrap, Tony hasn't put on a shirt to pace in...

As Vic reaches the bottom of the stairs Tony reaches the end of his pace and turns around. He spots Vic and smiles softly.

"Thought you'd decided to peek. It's good to see it finally put to use. What do you think?"

[yamikuronue]

Vic shakes her head, eyes brimming again. Dammit, don't cry. "It's beautiful."

[accalia]

"It is indeed." Tony agrees. "The color suits you too. How does it feel? Up here i mean." tony taps his own skull to mean he's asking what Victoria feels about the dress, not how the dress feel on her.

[yamikuronue]

She grimaces briefly. "It's strange. I haven't been... well, I haven't worn anything like this my whole life, but I've been in trousers for, what, five or six years now? I don't know how to move. I don't know how to hold myself. I don't know anything."

[accalia]

"Is it something you want to learn?" And again, Tony's really neutral on this one, he wants to know what Victoria really feels, he doesn't want her to say what she thinks he, or anyone else, wants to her to say.

[yamikuronue]

"If I want to be able to hide, I'll need to." she says. Her voice is higher than it was, but still low for a woman; it lacks her usual confidence, instead being hesitant, as if she's not sure she's meant to be speaking up at all.

"It won't matter, will it?" she asks, a moment later, swallowing hard. "I won't look right."

[accalia]

"If you need to hide who you are, then we need to change your situation so you don't have to hide who you are." There's that adamantine will of Tony's again. He doesn't care what Vic/Victora is, but he sure as heck cares that they act true to themselves. "And looks, we can change them, I will help you change them, if that is what you want for yourself. I can't, no I won't help if you're doing this because you are doing this for anyone else, or for any other reason."

[yamikuronue]

Victoria sinks down to sit on the stairs, her knees too far apart, spreading the skirt unflatteringly as she rubs at her temples. Do NOT cry. "If I want to start wearing skirts, I'll need to learn... everything: how to act, how to stand, how to move, everything. But I'll need to grow my hair out and start wearing girdles and have dresses altered and everything. And then I won't be able to easily go back, start wearing trousers again. But if I don't, I won't be able to pass as female. I'll be stuck as male. And... it's not like I can get married as a man. I won't be able to date or anything. I'll always be hiding my body. But if I change, I won't be able to make much money. I won't be able to speak freely around the guys or have close male friends. No matter what I do, I lose."

[accalia]

Tony walks up to Victoria and grabs her gently, one hand on either side of her face, directing her to look straight at him. "You're scared and confused. I get this, in a way no one else i know could. I went through the same thing, the only difference for me was I already knew who i was, what i needed, all I had to do was get the courage to act on it. That was the scariest thing, and the most painful. Once I stood up for myself my father made it his mission to force me back into the box i didn't want to be in. That won't happen to you. As long as I am alive I will make sure that you can be who you want to be, be it Vic the male, or Victoria the female, or something not quite one or the other. I paid for my right to be who I am through hard work, tears, and more blood than anyone should have to spill. I can't take the first from you, but i will be there to help you with the second and I will use every ounce of my strength to shield you from the third."

Tony's serious, deadly serious. Like as serious as it's possible to get and then one more step more serious than that. That promise... it's unbreakable, Victoria can tell that, it would actually take Tony's death to break it.

[yamikuronue]

Victoria stares into Tony's hazel eyes, her own brimming with tears. He really means it, she thinks, and the thought strikes her as absurd and astounding and hilarious all at once. Barely conscious of what she's doing, she throws caution to the wind, darting forward with her eyes closed to plant a kiss firmly on his lips.

[accalia]

Tony doesn't move as Victoria moves to kiss him. He has a complete failure to process events, with various parts of his mind shouting at each other.

'push her away! she's too emotionally vulnerable for this right now!'

'You're a thirty three year old virgin, she's the only one who knows about you!'

'he's too emotionaly vulnerable right now!'

'You're lonely! he can help!'

'It's wrong! he's young enough to be your son!'

'you want it!'

'you can't! it's immoral!'

'So? we want it!'

All this mental warring adds up to a complete freeze from Tony, no rejection, no acceptance, no breathing either, there's no spare mental capacity left for such mundane matters as breathing. Tony's eyes unfocus and his hands slip, falling to rest palm up on Victoria's lace covered shoulders.

[yamikuronue]

What. Are you. DOING?!

Victoria pulls back, searching Tony's face for some sign that this was okay, that she didn't just torpedo everything.

Oh god. He's going to think I'm a slut.

Hey, at least her inner narration sounds feminine now. I guess I'm a girl then, if he's a guy...

Hey! Stay focused please!

The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach reminds her: Right. Way to go. Do you want to be homeless? Because this is how you end up homeless! You're smarter than this, Vic.

I thought I was... but maybe girls are stupider?

In that case let me be a boy and be done with it!

He pulls back, fumbling his way to a standing position despite the skirts. "Sorry." he whispers. "I'll just... I'll just go..."

[accalia]

Tony manages to pull himself together and stand straight.

"that was..."

it takes Tony a long moment to think of the right word, as he does his hand rises to touch his mouth bemusedly.

"unexpected." Tony finally settles on before snapping back to the present. "What? Go where?"

Yeah, Tony's definitely off guard and confused. Doesn't seem upset though.

[yamikuronue]

Unexpected. Yeah, that's a word. A good word. His inner voice is masculine again, recognizably his own as he gets his feelings under control and falls back on sarcastic commentary.

He continues up the stairs, backward, watching Tony. "Just... go."