The Winter's Queen [Magus AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Right. Sceleratii killed Bethany Hawke. Not mages. Not your sister,~ Varric says softly. ~Easier to blame her, I wager. She won't hurt you, not really. She has a face. She's here, you can yell at her. But she didn't do it.~

[Carver Amell]

She should have protected us. She should have known how it would feel, having my heart ripped out like that -- she should have let me die with her, or in her place. Not Bethany. Never Bethany.

[Tethras Clan]

~Hawke's your-~ Varric chokes a second. ~Hawke was your sister too. And- and she would have if she could- if she could have traded her life for Bethany's, she'd living here in Nyra right now.~

[Carver Amell]

She never wanted to be. Even when we were small, she never had time for me. She was always off on adventures: climbing trees higher than I could manage, running off with her friends. It was no real surprise to find out Father had abandoned us because of my ears -- he only ever wanted Marian, just like everyone else. So it's hard to remember that we were kin once. She was always on her own path, right from the start. Wait, is he... this whole time, has Carver just been jealous of Marian?

[Tethras Clan]

~Your father's an asshole. A weak, feckless coward that doesn't deserve to claim any of the three of you as his blood,~ Varric says bluntly. A pause, then. ~Guilt. She left because of guilt and shame.~

[Carver Amell]

Guilt? Preposterous. I've never known her to feel guilty a day in her life. If she felt guilty, she should have stayed, helped me look after Mother.

[Tethras Clan]

~Looking at you, seeing you suffer and hurt, reminded her of failing. Seeing your mother wail and moan, not caring about anyone's loss but her own... did the same, but also made her angry. Even Gammy did more to take care of the family than her, and she was your damn mother. She should have been looking out for you two, not you for her. You were both children. But she was your mother and she felt bad for being angry with her. So... more guilt, more shame.~

[Carver Amell]

I didn't think I'd let her see how badly I was hurting, he muses. Not after that first-- did she tell you, I don't remember arriving in Nyra at all? I remember Bethany dying, every second of it seared into my nightmares, and then I was in Nyra, and Marian was gone. Varric can almost feel Carver shying away from thinking too hard about his mother.

[Tethras Clan]

~She, uh, she never talked much about any of that really. A bit, late at night, when she can't sleep. We'd talk while doing paperwork. Boring, simple stuff, just something to make your mind focus on anything but your memories.~

[Carver Amell]

And that worked? He sounds dubious. They tell me I didn't speak a single word until the day before Marian got back. I don't remember one way or the other. Bethany and I were meant to be together. You know the sayings: born together, die together. We were supposed to grow old and laugh together about how young Marian still looked. We were meant to have each other, forever. And then I was in some strange new city, full of magic, and all alone. Marian never understood that. She kept telling me I needed to look toward the future, that I had to keep my mind off it. What a joke. How do you forget something like that?

[Tethras Clan]

~By thinking of all the things you can share with her in time. By knowing that you have to live for both of you. By thinking of the adventures she'll never have, the people she'll never met, the stories she'll never hear. The family she can't start.~ Varric sighs. ~Nothing ever makes you forget a loved one. But... the pain fades if you let it. If you move on, if you let yourself live, the pain recedes, exposing all the love and joy you shared with her.~

[Carver Amell]

I guess I have to, now. I guess I'm the last Hawke. What a joke. He sighs, shifting Isabela a little to secure his grip on her.

[Tethras Clan]

~Well, there's still the man that sired you. Still think you should track him down, deck him in the mouth and explain to him what him walking out did to you and your siblings,~ Varric suggests.

[Carver Amell]

Any hope I had of making him care is dead, risen, and playing with your corpse. He sighs. Do elves even use surnames? He's probably Malcolm of somewhere-and-such.

[Tethras Clan]

~Depends on the elf group in question. Around here... most do, yeah. Anyway, the point isn't to make him care exactly, it's to shame him. And if you can, get him shamed by his peers,~ Varric explains. And it'd give you a mission,and a relatively safe target for a bit the rage you got simmering in your head.