Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"You can do this, you can face this. I'm right here with you, I'll help you every step of the way, we can do this," he promises. "Fight it Hawke, you can do it. I love you Hawke, I'm right here with you. I'll- I'll watch every memory with you, I'll hold your hand and cry with you. Please Hawke."

[Marian Hawke]

Marian sinks to her knees, looking up at him helplessly. "I'm not strong enough," she whispers. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Of course you are," Varric says with a bit of a scoff. "You're Hawke. You're my daughter, Zevran's Voice, Aveline's amata. You're Merrill's stars, Wynne's student, and Isabela's lover. You're the Champion of Coalside, the Lich-slayer. You're smart and clever, loyal and loving. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. So much more."

[Marian Hawke]

A long moment passes, and then another. Finally, almost imperceptibly, the ribbons begin to loosen. He can feel it when they do; there's a shift in the air, as if the pressure drops. A moment later, the wind begins to die down, and the hail vanishes, leaving just snow to be tossed around. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Thatta girl," he whispers softly, pulling her in close for another hug. "There we go. Well done, Hawke, knew you could do it. You back with me? Ready to do this?"

[Marian Hawke]

"no," she moans into his shoulder. "Never." A moment and a deep shuddering breath later, she lifts her head. "Alright. Let's.. let's get this over with."

[Tethras Clan]

"That's also my girl," Varric says with a sad laugh. "Alright. Let me... I'll find a flower to start us with, okay?" He drops the hug, but keeps one arm around her for now as he studies the flowers, trying to see if he can figure out a pattern. Hopefully something telling about Jadan without being... well, it's doubtful any of the memories here are easy but maybe one that's cut-and-dry in content? Something showcasing that Jadan is a monster? Probably wishful thinking to have it be that easy but...

[Marian Hawke]

He selects a smaller flower, something that appears inoffensive; Marian holds his hand as he reaches out to touch it, explaining that she doesn't have to touch the flower in order to see. She never has. It just helps if someone does. 

She sits on his desk, leaning over to kiss him, smirking at her own daring and playfulness. He had pretended to be upset when she surprised him, but she brought lunch -- and 'dessert' -- so he can't be that mad. She runs her finger down his front, wondering if it's imprudent to just rip his clothes off and straddle him right there in the chair--

The door bursts open, reminding her why that's a terrible plan. She jumps, nearly overbalancing, before turning back to study the intruder: a catfolk Varric knows that face, where does he know it from? looking pale and drawn, wringing his hands as he enters. "Sir, we have a problem."

A surge of concern, dwarfed by sudden appreciation for Jadan. He really is powerful, she thinks, and so important. "This is a bad time," he says, and she loves him more for it, for putting her first.

"Sir, it's rather an immediate problem."

He presses a kiss to her cheek. "Sorry, I have to go," and she jumps to her feet, scowling.

"What? If there's a problem, let me help. I'm a hero, that's what I do."

Jadan rubs at his temples. "It's not that sort of problem."

"Why won't you let me help you? Please, it'd make me feel so much better to know I was useful," she says, her voice dropping in volume as shame flushes her cheeks. 'Let me be someone's hero again,' she thinks to herself. 

"Alright. Alright, just, follow me and don't touch anything." 

[Tethras Clan]

There! Right there, that surge, just after the catfolk spoke? That was magic. It's easier to tell for me, on the outside, and because I'm watching for it. A charm spell, to keep you from feeling negatively towards Jadan. And afterward, your mind will justify the feelings given the slightest pretext. Slimy little pus-filled canker.

That's one of the catfolk I questioned. Dorin? Darin? Darian.

[Marian Hawke]

I remember this. I don't want to. No.

The memory wavers, as if about to fade, then sharpens again. They're just arriving outside a nondescript brown building, down in Coalside, clearly abandoned Varric knows this building. It haunts his nightmares still. as the three of them head up the steps. 

"I know you wanted to keep this one in good condition but there's so much blood--"

"I'll deal with it," Jadan says sharply, casting a glance at [Varric]. 

[Tethras Clan]

Fuck. Okay, this... this might be rough, coming up. But I'm right here with you. You're not alone. We love you and you're worth helping. Remember that, okay?

This... is not going to be good. This is the... no, he can't go that far, she's still too much the Champion, still not under its control yet, not enough. The torture room in the sub-basement... the charm spell wouldn't hold up under that shock. Must have pulled the slave out to somewhere else first. Make up a story about how they were hurt.[/i]

[Marian Hawke]

They enter the main floor, the empty, abandoned rooms only hinting at what they might have once been. Offices? Apartments? The doors are long gone, scavenged for buildings with walls that hold up to a stiff breeze. They head for the stairwell, heading down to the basement, through the first two empty rooms toward the back one where the other stairs are hidden. 

The back room has been set up with a cot, draped over with a lush, velvet blanket. There's a supply of rations and water down here, in case he had to hide out for a while; there's a bookshelf with volumes in it, none of which [Varric] even glances at. This time, when Jadan stops, she stops as well. "Alright, my love, I need you to wait here."

"Absolutely--"

"I'm letting you help," he says sharply. "Remember what we talked about." 'Remember your place,' she hears even through the charm, and she shuts up, feeling sick. 'I'm taking charge again. I'm doing the hero thing. I thought I-- is it really that hard to break old habits?'

"Yes, sir. Sorry," she says deferentially. 

"You recall the new sex practices I've been teaching you?" At her nod, he continues. "What Darian here is getting me about is a mishap involving one of them. It's probably going to look a bit extreme, but I assure you, I've got this under control. There's a first aid kit in the bookshelf, I'm going to need you to get out bandages, gauze, salve. We're going to fix him right up and get everything back to normal."

"Yes, sir."

Jadan searches her face for a moment, then nods. As she turns away, she can hear him and Darian heading for the stairs down. 

[Tethras Clan]

That's not teaching you to plan or take care of yourself. That's gaining control of you. Breaking you, chip by chip. And Jadan is nudging you, making sure you evaluate what you're about to see the way it needs you to. Pain play is different than torture, yes, in the same way that sex isn't rape. But what we're about to see... well. I want you to think, really think about it. Ask yourself if this is something Zevran would approve of happening. If you could do it to him. To Merrill.

It's strange, how her not noticing the books, even just a vague impression of the titles, is so jarring. Hawke isn't a scholar, but she's too bright, needs to know things too much to ignore something like that.

[Marian Hawke]

She has to glance over them as she moves to the bookshelf, as she scans for the first aid kit. They're weighty tomes, looking old, most of them without titles on the spines -- usually something she'd be all over peeking at. Instead, she feels only a slight twinge of curiosity as she kneels to get out the kit, to start pulling things out onto the desk.

A few moments later, Jadan emerges from the sub-basement. The first thing she notices is that he's shirtless, having stripped off his work shirt; he's cradling a large something in his arms, but she fixes first on his chest, his rippling  muscles, beneath the smear of red on them.

He lays his bundle down on the desk, and her eyes stay on him for a moment longer, drinking him in. Loving how handsome he looks, how stern, how in control. He snaps his fingers, and she jumps, turning her attention to the meat on the desk.

Person, on the desk.

Her hands twitch, hover. She doesn't know how to help. He wants her to help, but she can't figure out how. She's been training with Wynne, been learning how to put people back together, but this is... her hands hover over one rent bit of flesh, another burned piece, another bit that's shredded. Some of the wounds are older than others, she notes dispassionately. Her mental voice has found a place where this means nothing, this is just another cadaver she's investigating to find out what sort of monster killed it.

A soft groan. [Varric] shudders. A moment later, the groan doesn't, can't, matter. A moment after that, he's forgotten it entirely what no, he hasn't forgotten as she moves back to work, reaching for gauze. The worst of the bleeding should be stemmed, before it ruins this outfit, the desk, Jadan's perfect face. Before Jadan is displeased with her.

"I'm going to need a potion," she begins.

"You won't get one. Work quickly," he snaps.

[Tethras Clan]

See that? This is an annoyance to it. There's no compassion, no worry or concern. It's just something that's taking time away from more enjoyable or profitable activities. The person on the desk is just an annoying distraction. No, an insult to Jadan. An offense. But see how you're struggling? Fighting to care, to be the good and caring person you are? Even under the charm spell, you're trying. Even in pain, alone and... hurting so badly, you're trying. You are so strong, Hawke. You're not just a hero in the legendary sort of way, because of your deeds. You're a hero to me, to your Clan, because of your heart.

And I can't help but recall how Zevran pointed out that any pain play or S&M place worth a copper has at least an adept with a basic healing spell on staff at all times. But that's something to bring up later, I think.