Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"I try." And I will do better. "And you? Can you tell me what you do for me? Because you're just as important to me as I am to you."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head. "You break me, amata." She knows that's not the right answer but it's hard to think, hard to drag her mind out of the mud, hard to find something positive about herself when all she can see is Zevran fleeing from the room, all she can hear is him begging her. 

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline shifts around, compressing Hawke to her so she can grab her amata's hand and place it against her heart. "Only with you, amata. Only with you does..." She trails off, hoping that Hawke remember the talk as well as she does, that Hawke remembers how that ends.

[Marian Hawke]

"...your heart beat again." Hawke pulls her hand back, searching Aveline's face through her tears. Did she feel this way? Worthless, unworthy, unlovable, undeserving? The lowest form of filth, that would hurt even the ones she loves? Is that why she needs me -- because I love her? Only that?

[Tethras Clan]

"I was just... armour and a shield before you. When Wesley died, I just... stopped. I moved around, I did my Duty but I wasn't alive. I wasn't... a person. I was a failure, a shield that couldn't even protect what should be the most important person in my life. Worthless." Aveline shudders, pressing her head back to stare up at the ceiling blankly."If I hadn't... if I hadn't thought I deserved to keep hurting, I wouldn't have... after the first year, it became routine. I didn't have to think- or feel- I just did my job. By the time I met you, I'd... noticed what I'd become- I just didn't care enough to change anything. Until this... pretty-eyed goof with big stories and a bigger heart turned my tea into slush."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke is quiet for a long moment. Then she whimpers, "teach me?"

[Tethras Clan]

"We all will," Aveline says gently, making her look back down at Hawke. "I'll teach you to live again. Varric will... reteach you how to order your mind, take control of your life. Zevran will..." She glances at the merikos drow.

"...teach you how to shed your ss-ss-slave skin," he offers weakly. "And Isabela w-will teach you to... become a new r-person, the person you want to b-be instead of what h-he m-made you."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head. "I don't deserve those things. If I could just stop hurting so bad... Stop thinking about it, stop crying, stop whimpering..."

[Tethras Clan]

"It takes time," Aveline says regretfully. "It takes time for those kinds of wounds to heal. And magic can only... smooth the process, ease the worst parts, it can't just... fix things like it can for flesh."

"There are times I w-wished we could not heal flesh as w-we can," Zevran shares. "If it w-would be easier t-to get through heart p-pain, if we did not have the comp-parison."

"Maybe." The paladin slowly relaxes her grip on the pair to allow them to settle against her more comfortably. "But speaking of... how you both doing physically?"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head. "Tired."

[Tethras Clan]

"...I am fine." At Aveline steady look, Zevran hunches down a little. "I feel... shaky. Weak-limbed."

"Alright. How about we take a nap then? Just like this, all together?" Aveline suggests. "Well, maybe shift so we can use the pillows."

[Marian Hawke]

"Yes," whispers Hawke, a small, scarce breath. "Please. I-- a nap would-- today is awful."

[Tethras Clan]

The trio rearrange themselves to be more comfortable, boots hitting the floor. Once they're cuddled back up, Aveline in the middle again, Zevran makes a few 'trying to talk' noises. "Deep breath Zevran," Aveline says gently. "Take a deep breath, close your eyes if you have to, and remember we're Clan."

Complying, Zevran finally asks, "did... the night you woke up... it was me, right? You were... with..."

[Marian Hawke]

"Yes," she whispers, and it's louder this time, fiercer. "I wanted you. Zevran. Want you. I don't care if you're half-drow, I don't, I swear, I just needed-- I just couldn't -- but I'll do better next time, I promise."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hey," Aveline says softly, but with an undertone of steel. "There's no shame in having a bad moment. Or day or even week. You need time to recover and it's not all... upward. Sometimes you'll backslide, stumble." Sometimes you fall, fall long and hard. "But we'll catch you, help you stand back up and keep moving."

"I..." Zevran licks his lips. "There is... a method of... a ritual, that... grants a new body," he whispers, starting at the ceiling. "I would still be me, I would just... you could both look at me and not seem them."