Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

Would you like company? About to agree, she loses herself again, the next memory coming stronger, harder:

Merrill's flesh, marred and bleeding, lines of blood seeping up from her perfect skin. The look of fear and pain in her eyes as Marian reaches for her. Remembering doing this to her -- not this, not that badly, but using implements on her, causing her pain for Jadan's pleasure, for what she thought was Merrill's pleasure, but now, seeing this, seeing what was done to her, knowing she'd done something similar, she doesn't deserve Merrill, she doesn't deserve to be loved, if she could do this to someone--

"yes," she whimpers aloud, her voice breaking with pain. Save me. Hold me. Love me. I don't care if I don't deserve it, please ,I need you, Zevran, please...

[Tethras Clan]

"They were your hands, but not your will," Zevran murmurs as he stretches up to rest his head against her stomach. Those eyes, that tremble in her voice, in her lips. I know those... gods, I know them so well.

"There will always be shame and guilt lurking within your soul. Always. But it does get better. Love and joy shining bright to fade them. Trust and respect to cast them down, lock them away. You saved me, my Voice in the Darkness. You gave me purpose, gave me guidance in how to walk a life without chains." He breathes in deeply, the scent of her- that wood dust scent all elves have mingled with the more human musk, layered with ice and snow. Hawke's scent. "I swear I'll give back the lessons. I'll help you get free too."

[Marian Hawke]

She falls silent then, locked in her memories despite her struggle. But the trembling does slow as she surfaces, finding her way to more pleasant memories.

When he takes her hand, she follows him, walking silently, her head bowed, but walking under her own power. She waits, hands clasped behind her back, gaze on the floor, as he runs a bath; she is still, patient, unspeaking, meek. When he moves to lift her nightgown, she unclasps her hand, letting him lift the gown and see what lies beneath.

He'd seen the knot of scar tissue in the center of her chest before, of course. That's from Momento Mori, from Bianca's bolt. But he hadn't yet seen the gash just below it, the longsword scar where she'd been impaled only a week ago. It's still healing, still angry and red, but it's definitely going to leave a lifelong mark. 

Not had he seen the series of healing gashes on her left thigh. They are parallel marks, short and clear: eleven of them, less than half an inch apart from each other. These may or may not scar, but they clearly haven't been magically treated, which is unusual. Peli must not know she was hurt? 

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran studies the marks, his hand reaching down to stroke the flesh just above them. "It doesn't help," he tells her softly. "Oh, the pain distracts, for a time. But it's like dowsing a fire with oil. For a second, an instant, it smothers a bit of flame. But then the fire roars back all the stronger." His tone isn't chiding or even disappointed. It's knowing. Familiar.  "it just makes the shame and self-loathing worse."

[Marian Hawke]

She nods, her movements sluggish, halting. The shame, the self-loathing, are no better than I deserve. I just couldn't stand it for another second. I wanted... I needed...

His touch distracts her, pulls her back into her body. She shivers, just a little, as his warm fingers caress her cold skin. Zevran. I'm with Zevran. I'm here now. It's alright.

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran flinches, yanking his fingers away from her. "I'm sorry, I didn't- I should not have presumed to-" he babbles.

[Marian Hawke]

She moves faster than he expects, faster than she's moved all day: her hand darts forward, closing on his wrist, stopping him from pulling away too far. 

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran's breath hitches and his eyes snap to hers. "Hawke?" he asks hesitantly, body utterly still.

[Marian Hawke]

Her eyes are more focused, more clear, than they have been. They almost seem to focus on him as she lifts her head to face his. She takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly, a shudder in her breathing. Then, carefully, she tugs his hand toward her thigh. The meaning is clear: please touch me.

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran's eyes dilate and his breathing restarts, quickens. No. That's not- it's an invitation, but not for sex. Just touching. She... rejection. She wants to be- she needs to know I won't reject her, that I still want her. "Oh my Hawke, my love, my Voice," he croons, sliding his hand across her thigh to lightly grip the side of her hip. Taking a half-step closer, he adds a little purr to his voice. "May I help you into the water, my lady?"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke takes a slight motion toward him, signalling her assent. As he helps her into the warm water -- which cools rapidly at the touch of her skin -- she begins to relax, just a little. She lays her head against his chest, settling into Zevran's lap, letting his touch soothe her. 

I am with Clan. I am whole. I am safe. I am with Zevran, I am safe, he will protect me, he will look after me. I am a good pet. I am loved. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Would you like me to wash your hair," Zevran asks after a little while, tapping the rune that heats the water yet again. He's keep his hands from moving anywhere too exciting, but he's not yet stopped touching her, stroking her.

I am here. I am right here. With you and wanting you. Being with Isabela has grounded me, slackened the need I have in me always, but the hunger I have for you cannot be filled by any other. It's strange really. I... it's never mattered before, who I was with. Each was different, each unique and yet all were equal in their own way. Until Nyra. Until I found a home. Now there is a part of me that cannot be happy unless it is your touch. Just as there is a part of me for Merrill and for Isabela. I am not sure I like it- no, that's a lie. I do like. But it also scares me. Unsettles me. Is that why I did not simply ask? Even if Varric did not have answers, and given his nature, he might not have, surely I could have found someone with the skills and knowledge I needed. No. The past is done, the past is fact. Focus on now, on being there for Hawke.

[Marian Hawke]

She gives a small nod, against his chest. My Zevran, my love, my protector. Mine.

As he washes her hair, slowly but surely, she finds her equilibrium again. The water stays warm, finally; she stops chilling it with her pain and trauma. She stops seeing Merrill's eyes, the blood seeping out of her skin. She is just here, with Zevran, warm and loved. 

[Tethras Clan]

Strong, skilled fingers massage her scalp as Zevran takes his time. Far more time than is needed just to clean her hair, but he's enjoying the contact. And very much enjoying the soft little noises she makes from time to time. A little too much, to be honest, he thinks wryly, carefully shifting so his arousal doesn't touch her and hint at things he's not going to ask of her. "Do you want to get your body or..?"

[Marian Hawke]

By way of answer, she reaches for the washcloth and hands it to him.