Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Well... it's getting her voice a work-out at least, Varric tries to console himself. After a while though, he can't stand her construct-like voice anymore and he clears his throat. "How about some juice before we keep reading? And... do you want to keep reading or would you like me to do a bit?"

[Marian Hawke]

"Whichever you prefer, sir," she says softly, looking at her lap as she closes the book. No, don't call him that. He doesn't like when you call him that. Call him Papa. "Whatever you like, Papa." The words have changed, but the tone is the same. 

[Tethras Clan]

Everytime, Varric thinks to himself, eyes closing for a moment. Everytime it hurts just as much as the last. "I... I would like to know which you would prefer," he says firmly, getting up to grab their lunch. Cold meat buns, fruit, some cheeses and juice- good 'take your time eating' lunch.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke bows her head further, hunching her shoulders just a bit more. "I... I wish to please you."

[Tethras Clan]

"And what would please me is for you to tell me what you want to do," Varric presses. Come on Hawke, have an opinion. Want something for yourself, even something as silly as storytime. "Do you want to keep reading? Do you want me to read? Go for a walk? Play some catching? Take a nap? Get a different book? What do you want to do?"

[Marian Hawke]

I'm doing this wrong, somehow. She stares at her hands, struggling to solve the puzzle, to figure out the right words. This isn't right. This is all wrong and I don't... 

"Please, " she whispers. "Just... Tell me how to serve." I am a pet. A toy 

[Tethras Clan]

"...Hawke. I don't want you to serve. I want you to be... you. You're a person. Even Merrill... Merrill was pretty eager to please even when you first met her, but she still had her own whims and wants. Her own goals and desires that she worked- you, specifically comes to mind, but she also wanted to learn about Nyra. To see a play in person. To learn how to fly." He hands her a cup of juice as he speaks, eyes watching her but not staring. "You need to remember how to do that. How to want things for yourself."

[Marian Hawke]

"But I'm not--" a person. I'm a toy. A pet. A sheath. 

 "Don't shut me out, daughter. If you're hurting, I want to know it. I want to help and you know how I get about having all the variables. If you hide it, I can't help. Please let me help."

She takes a deep breath, wrestling with the urge to please him, the instinct to shut up and do as he says. Since she can't quite bring herself to spell it out, she sidesteps, laying out part of the problem by finishing her sentence: "I'm not a person."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric sucks in his breath but otherwise manages to not react. I am no-one. I am hollow. I am tainted.  I am nothing. I am merely flesh. I am tool. I am a traitor. I am just a cock and tongue. It had taken a full bottle of whiskey, but Zevran had ripped his soul open and poured out the darkness he's tried to bury, tried to ignore. All in the off chance it might help Hawke (daughter mine)or Merrill (daughter too). In the slight chance that either (oh Hawke)or both of them (please no, not both) are suffering from the same sort of conditioning. Will it help to know it was worth the pain (why are all my Clan hurt so)? Or will knowing that Hawke at least was hurt the same way (so so sorry) be worse?

"What did it call you Hawke? What did Jadan teach you?" Varric asks after a moment to steady his voice.

[Marian Hawke]

I am a pet. I am a toy. I am a sheath.

The words swirl around her brain for a few minutes, as she tries to get up the courage to speak them. It would help. (I am a pet). Papa needs to know what's going on. (I am a toy). He wants to help me. (I am a sheath). 

She takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. "Pet," she whispers before she can lose her nerve. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric nods slowly. "Okay. Any... other names? Labels? It's okay Hawke, I know you... I know this is hard to talk about. If you need to rest a little in between, that's okay. Take your time. I'm proud of you," he forces himself to add, hating himself for using her conditioning in any way, even to break said conditioning.

[Marian Hawke]

She stares at her hands a moment, gathering what courage she can. Finally, she whispers, nearly inaudibly: "I am a pet. I am a toy. I am nothing but a sheath. I am a good pet and you love me. You are proud of me. I am a good pet."

[Tethras Clan]

Sweet Astea, gentle Bastion, have mercy on this bedamned dwarf. "You are a person. You are a hero. You are more than your body. You are my beloved daughter and deserve love. You deserve respect and trust. You are a good person," he says in clear echo of what she once did for Zevran.

[Marian Hawke]

She recognizes the echo; it knocks her sideways, causing her to -- briefly -- surface, tears filling her eyes. Is that what I sound like? Like Zevran? But I'm not a slave, I was never a slave. I was only a pet. I--

"It's not... it sounds bad, it's not that bad," she whispers, sounding more herself. Well. A version of herself, the version that wanted to go back home to Carver and Leandra despite being stabbed. 

[Tethras Clan]

Well, it's true that it wasn't your blood family that stabbed you this time... "Hawke, you wore a collar, you obeyed commands without question, you lived to serve it... pet, toy... that's worse than slave. At least slaves are still half-recognized as people."