Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline helps Hawke sit up, holding the glass of cool, not cold, water to her lips. Gently combs her hair with her fingers. "What the fuck were you thinking amata?"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke takes a moment, drinking down the water. When Aveline lowers the glass, eyes on her lap, all Hawke can think to say is, "Merrill and the twins were in danger."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke... I... yes, at first. But Merrill and the twins were- Hawke, they were fine. You held that troll in place for over three minutes. Merrill made it back under Raplin's care in less than one," Aveline explains in a clipped tone. "So. What were you thinking? Why did you think you needed to stall for that long, when you knew Merrill was flying?"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shrugs a shoulder, silent for a long moment. Finally, she says in a smaller voice, "They were in danger. That's what I was thinking."

[Tethras Clan]

"...was that all you were thinking?" Aveline asks, voice gentling.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke gives a small nod, biting her lower lip. Basically.

[Tethras Clan]

"You didn't think about... surviving? At all? About how we'd feel, seeing you dead?" A long, heavy silence. "Again?" Aveline curses softly. "I'm sorry, that was over the line."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke hangs her head, silent. No. All I could do was-- I couldn't fail her. Not again. 

There's a call, a lure, to the quiet still place in the back of her mind -- a call she doesn't feel most days, but a call it hasn't been nearly long enough to forget. She closes her eyes, taking a long, slow breath through her nose. No. I shouldn't be a coward. I should face this.

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke... please... I shouldn't have said that. Please don't shut down on me," Aveline pleads.

[Marian Hawke]

She takes another deep breath and then, deliberately, reaches for Aveline's hand and squeezes it gently. 

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline closes her eyes for a moment. "Thank you. Can... can you tell me if anything hurts? Physically, I mean?"

[Marian Hawke]

She wants to reply aloud, she really does, but when she reaches for the words a whole bunch of others ones get in the way: blackmailing you -- shouldn't have done that, should have thought -- stupid, so stupid! -- should have died, should have let me die -- so instead she shakes her head, determined not to shut down, determined to stay with Aveline. To make this right. 

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline is silent a moment. "Hawke... can you say your name for me? Or my name? I just need you to say anything, anything at all."

[Marian Hawke]

"Maoroi," she sighs, pleased to be given an easier way to break the dam inside her. She squeezes her hand, tears pricking her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't-- I couldn't--"

[Tethras Clan]

"I know. I know you wouldn't... mean to do it. Not anymore. Be... less careful, maybe," Aveline allows soberly. "And... and I can't entirely... I... Vangal's teachings do... say that the protector is righteous when they put their life forward as a shield for the innocent. It... it's so much harder to see someone you love being the shield. I'm sorry for that."