Under Darkness [AU]

[Isabela]

"At some point, we have to consider cutting our losses. Anders keeps talking about admitting Merrill to Summerhill -- Marian would get better care there, too, and you have to admit none of us know what we're doing. Maybe it's time we move on." 

[Tethras Clan]

"I still don't think there's much in Summerhill that would be better for Merrill than Raplin," Varric disputes. "And you can leave again if you want. Might do Zevran some good to... get some space- for a little while," he adds quickly at the merikos drow's dark expression. "Go on a quest or a job with Isabela, earn some coin and clear your head for a bit. Aveline and I can hold things down here."

[Isabela]

"I would if I thought you'd be here when we got back." If I thought Zevran could take Varric and Marian both dying, I'd risk it anyway.

[Tethras Clan]

"Like like we're planning on going anywhere," Varric points out. "Merrill needs the Oak and me, and I'm not about to abandon Hawke so..." He shrugs. "Aveline doesn't care were we are, as long as she's with Hawke. I want to try the Modify idea a few times before anything else, see how it goes. Then I'm sure it'd take a bit until we're ready to even try a Delve- which I'd want the both of you here for anyone. Might even send word to Wynne, see if she can swing by."

[Isabela]

"I didn't say you should move Merrill, I said you should move Mar-- Hawke. Should commit Hawke." She shakes her head. "Try the modify, see if it's a quick fix. If not, Anders and Aveline can take Hawke back to Nyra, and Zevran and I can take a break from all this while you work on Merrill. If Hawke needs a delve, there's healers at Summerhill who can pull it off." 

[GamesMaster]

Anders steeples his fingers, watching this play out. In truth, she's not a great candidate for a delve, even now. I'm not sure they'd approve it -- but then again, it'd be good to have a more experienced healer take over her care. I'm still guessing what's best for her even now. 

[Tethras Clan]

"This entire thing started with Hawke feeling abandoned, I'm not going to leave her again. It's already hard on her that I have to focus so much on Merrill," Varric counters.

"We should try the modify plan and then talk again," Zevran cuts in. We're not going to agree right now, so arguing is just wearing us all down.

[Isabela]

Isabela's hand twitches against Zevran. I see. You're sitting here thinking, there goes Isabela the Coward, running away again. Sometimes running away is the best way to save yourself -- and nobody's ever going to save you unless you can save yourself. 

[GamesMaster]

"Agreed," Anders cuts in quickly. "I'm not certain Summerhill can even do more for her in the first place. I can write to them, but let's also try the modify wand first."

[Tethras Clan]

Feeling her movement, Zevran shifts a little, pressing against her a little more. "Good then. If that's all, I had plans for myself and the lovely Isabela that I doubt either of you would care to partake in."

[Marian Hawke]

They all gather. Hawke doesn't speak to Aveline after the lunch in the garden with her Papa; she seems shocked to see him the next day, however, and when asked if they can try to help her, she gives a nod of consent. Aveline sits on the bed behind her, one leg on either side, so Hawke is cradled and comforted by her ever-present shadow; Varric and Zevran each hold one of her hands, and Anders and Isabela sit on either side of the door, ready but not crowding. All eyes are on her as Varric prepares the wand. 

"Tell us if it's too much, alright Hawke? Say something if this gets too intense, okay?"

They can't be sure she's understood, but she seems to. She even raises her gaze when Varric asks, looking him in the eye as she nods. They all collectively take a deep breath, and Varric uses the wand. 

Varric looks so strange asleep. His brow is totally smooth; it's like his brain never shuts off, not until he's dead asleep. Which memory is this? Why was I watching him sleep? I felt small, lost, alone, scared. I was terrified something had happened to him, something I'd caused. I-- 

He woke, instantly surging out of bed to land on his feet. I never noticed before how scared he looked -- it's buried under what I thought was anger, but Papa's not very expressive at the best of times. For him to show any hint of the fear, he must have been so... 

"Marian!" Strange -- I thought he called me Hawke even back then. No, I noted it was weird; I just didn't know what to make of it back then. 

"Why aren't you still resting?" Classic Papa -- always trying to keep me in bed, trying to fuss over me when I'm sick or injured or scared him half to death. I was just so happy he was okay, he wasn't having horrible nightmares like I was. Oh, this is... this is the gem. The first time. "Thank the gods. I should have known." he'd be okay, he's a real Dwarf, tough and unstoppable.

That expression -- there's that mask coming up. I haven't seen him look that guarded, that.. unlike himself in years. "-better than to touch something that might as well have been engraved with the words 'do not touch: evil, cursed and dangerous'? You're right, you damn well should have!" He wasn't angry at all, was he? He was just so scared I'd die, so honestly frightened. I always tell myself nothing scares Papa, but one thing does, always has. 

And I was scared too; scared he'd reject me, scared I'd be out on the streets. I grabbed for anger because it protected me, back then. "If I never did anything people told me not to, I'd still be living at home without two copper to rub together, so forgive me for trying to earn your expedition some extra gold."

"Fuck the gold!" That scared me worse; I'd never heard him shout like that, never heard him curse. In fact, have I heard him curse like that since? He's always cursing in Dwarven, very rarely in Common. "You almost died Hawke! No, worse, you were almost taken over by something! Merrill couldn't figure out what it was, but it- it wasn't anything nice." Hear that crack in his voice, that pain he can't quite hide. He's such a good liar, Papa is, but he couldn't pretend to be okay, not when I was in danger, not when he almost lost me. 

"So what if I did? I didn't die. That's what matters. It's like you have no faith in me at all!" Oh, that was-- bad move, past me. How can you stare him in the face, see that pain and fear and horror, and tell him it shouldn't matter you almost died? How can you say-- as if you haven't said worse, just this past week. As if you weren't doing worse, this week. No. Focus. What happens next. Remember. 

"Should I? I thought I could, but then you went and-- The only reason you're alive, that some thing isn't walking around in your flesh, is because of Merrill. And Wynne. And Zevran, Isabela and even Anders. It took all of them to get you out of the danger you put yourself in because you couldn't wait a few gods be damned minutes for someone to check out the obviously trapped relic. Fuck, did you even bother to check it yourself?" 

"Of course I did. You wear magic on your person all the time, so I don't see where you get off lecturing me about magic artifacts. It's not like I can afford much in the way of magic myself." That wasn't the point, Marian. It's not about the magic, it's-- yeah, he said something like that next, didn't he? You were such a child back then. Arrogant, insolent, teenage...

"Magic items I bought from merchants or spellcrafts, not found in some creepy looking ruin in the Underdark." He rubbed his head; I didn't even think about how hard it must have been on him. It took us ages to get down that deep, but we made record time coming back up. They said he carried me the whole way. Did he sleep once? Or sit up every night like I would have, desperate to avoid the nightmares, looking for anything he could have done better, could do better next time.

"Hawke, do you even care what happened? Sweet Astea, if she hadn't had to keep you alive, I don't think Merrill would have... You were almost possessed by a demon. Or maybe even something worse. And she watched it happen, watched you fall. Almost broke me and I only saw the aftermath." His voice was so gentle there, so devastated. I hurt him so badly being careless, and I didn't even see it. Didn't want to see it. Threw it in his face. No wonder he never talked to me that way again. No wonder he didn't trust me, didn't come to me when the Anders thing happened, if this is how I talked to him. 

"Stop it," she hisses. "You  know how I feel about demons -- of all the things to throw in my face!" I hate that I said that, hate it so much. I was so self-absorbed, so teenage, so stupid. 

There -- he flinched, outright flinched away from me. I cut him to the quick with that. Stupid, stupid! "I- I didn't mean to go for a weak spot. Anders couldn't figure out what was in the talismen, but it was evil and non-mortal. Maybe it was a demon, maybe it was something just as bad, I don't know. Whatever it was, it almost ate you from the inside out, Marian. I'm not trying to... to use your sister, it's just.. what happened. What almost happened, anyway."

"....I know. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Me too. I'm... well, I can't say I'm not upset, but I'm more worried than anything else." 

Worried... worried like he must be now. I know he showed me later how I must have looked. I was enthralled to a demon, unresponsive, a ghastly grin on my face. And now, I don't speak, I keep slipping up and calling him Master, I keep saying (I'm nothing but a sheath) horrible things. But.. can't he see that this is better? If I can't hurt him. If I stay like this, I can never go pick up a gem like that. I can't run off and marry Anders. I can't--

"do you think, do you honestly not realize that you're making us suffer right now?"

-- can't do that to him. Can't do that to my Clan, not again. Can't do that to (big, dark eyes full of pain) anyone I love. 

She whimpers, pulling back, signaling Varric to stop. 

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline sends a course of healing light into Hawke, more as a comfort thing for them both rather than from any thought she needs to be healed. "Shhh," she whispers into Hawke's ear. "You're safe. You're protected. We're here for you. You're safe. You're loved. Did you remember? Did you remember... remember how Varric feels about you?"

Next to her, Varric wakes with guarded eyes. He'd used the wand on himself just before this, wanting to be sure there wasn't anything in the memory that he didn't recall. And... and damn that had been... rough. Good, but rough. He's also taken a dose of Detect Thoughts, which is a new formulae for him, so he's having a... little... trouble with processing it. "You want some tea?"

Zevran has somehow found himself gripping Isabela's hand, body tense as he waits to find out how Hawke is reacting.

[Marian Hawke]

"Papa," she whispers, lowering her head -- the first she's spoken all day. "Papa, I'm so sorry, I was cruel and you just... you just wanted to protect me." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Want," Varric says firmly, mind still churning its way though what his formulae had allowed him to peek on. "And you weren't cruel. Young and stupid, but everyone goes through that stage. I did. I'm sure Aveline did. And Anders. Zevran and Isabela... are probably still working on it," he says lightly.

"Oye," Zevran manages. "I'm have you know that Isabela is very adult, thank you."

Varric smiles faintly, then adds, "you were scared and hurting and you were... trying to protect yourself. You still thought you have to stand by yourself. But you don't. You have us now. You're not alone and we have you."

[Marian Hawke]

"I didn't see. I didn't want to see how you felt." Now that she's looked, really looked, she can't help but see the differences: the way he's been careful around her, the way he's been keeping up a smile around her. The way he's been holding back from her, except that once -- and she's not sure her memory is reliable right now, maybe she exaggerated how much his voice cracked when he begged her. 

"Or just stay. Please."

It's all different, now. I did real harm to my Clan, by dying. Maybe the kind of harm that can never be undone.