Under Darkness [AU]

[GamesMaster]

Over the next few days, Varric split his time between caring for his daughter and caring for his almost-daughter. Isabela sensibly suggests there's no point paying for an inn room for Zevran when she has a couple rooms here in town he could easily stay in, leaving Varric paying only for a room for himself and Merrill, with visits to Peli's every day. The crisis seems to be over; Hawke agrees to move in with Varric after all, here in Raplin's Oak, and tentatively suggests that when Aveline arrives, if Merrill wants to stay in Peli's spare room, Hawke could move to the inn. Merrill will have a doggo to hug at that point, too, for that extra little bit of comfort.

Until Varric arrives at Peli's, four days later, to find his knock unanswered. His second knock is answered by the badger, and it's easy to see why when he gets inside: Peli's literally sitting atop his daughter, murmuring to her in her ear, as the half-elf sobs, eyes closed. She's dressed only in a nightgown; her hair's a mess, and her breath comes in ragged gasps punctuated by whimpers as the hurt in her heart finds its way out of her onto the earthen floor.

[Tethras Clan]

Varric doesn't hesitate a second before he's kneeling on the bed, hand gently gripping Hawke's shoulder. "Hey, you're safe, you're safe. It's okay, I'm here, you're safe," he says urgently, voice low and smooth. "It's okay, let it out, I- I love you, you're safe now."

He's getting better at that, Peli notes absently as she continues to hold Hawke down. Barely stumbled on the words.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke stiffens, her glance going -- instinctively -- across the room to where a knife lies on the floor, carelessly thrown away during the scuffle earlier. Never getting that back, she notes absently. Papa. Papa's here. I have to get it together, for Papa.

She hadn't expected Peli to walk in when she had. Maybe it wasn't a coincidence. Maybe she'd been keeping an eye on her. But now she knew Hawke had the knife, would take it away from her as she had taken everything else she'd tried to hurt herself with prior. The knife had been her secret, tucked away under her mattress, a way of letting out some of the hurt when she woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. But now.. Stupid, I was so stupid, I should have waited until tonight, should have snuck out. I could probably have gotten away without rousing the badger. Stupid. Now I don't-- I can't-- I have to--

Breathe. Papa's here. Make new plans later. Focus on not letting Papa down. She lets out another whimper, swallowing as she tries to halt the tears. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hey, hey, none of that," Varric says firmly. "Don't shut me out, daughter. If you're hurting, I want to know it. I want to help and you know how I get about having all the variables. If you hide it, I can't help. Please let me help."

Shifting partially off Hawke, Peli lets out some grunts, which is evidently badger-talk because her familiar trundles over to pick up the knife, then leaves the room with it.

[Marian Hawke]

You can't help me, Papa. I'm beyond helping. I'm broken inside, I can't-- I can't be the daughter you want, you need, you deserve. I'm sorry. I should never have... should never have...

She says nothing, turning her face toward the bed to try and bury her sobs in the mattress. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Marian Bellflower Hawke Tethras," Varric snaps. "You will not give up on me."

[Marian Hawke]

The harshness of his tone startles her. She jumps, just a bit, and swallows a whimper as she turns to look at him again. Her eyes are... not exactly focused on him, but she's making the effort to look in his direction, to focus, to push past the things going on in her mind. 

[Tethras Clan]

"What are you thinking? Right now, what are you thinking about?" Varric demands, gentling his tone some.

[Marian Hawke]

She answers before she can think about it giving him what he asks for without hesitation, her tone subdued. "I wish you didn't have to see this. I wish you didn't see me like this. I don't want you to be here, to know what I'm... what happened. I'm sorry." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Why?" Varric asks softly. "We want you back Hawke. All the way back. We messed up- I messed up- but we... please give us another chance. Please let us help, let us try and make it up to you."

[Marian Hawke]

"I want me back, too," she whispers. "But I'm not. I'm not back. I'm not-- I'm never going to be the person I was."

[Tethras Clan]

"No-one ever is, daughter. Everyone changes every day. What... you and Merrill went through was... more changing than most people go through, granted. But... you can change again," Varric assures her. "Maybe not back to who you were, but... close. Maybe better in some ways."

[Marian Hawke]

"I never was who you thought I was," she whispers. "I wanted to be. I wanted to make you proud of me. But I wasn't."

[Tethras Clan]

"I am proud of you. Right now, I'm proud of you," Varric informs her. "I don't expect you to be perfect Hawke. Mistakes don't erase your virtues, your... good points. Good deeds."

[Marian Hawke]

"Right now?" she whimpers. "Ten minutes after I--" She cuts off, unable to say the words aloud.