Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"That's not... an action I'm proud of you doing, but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of you," he tries to explain. "It's like... okay. You love and respect and feel proud of Zevran, right? Even though he did some... really bad things."

[Marian Hawke]

"He never chose to," she whispers. "I'm just... Jadan stripped away my pretenses. I can't hide anymore. I can't pretend to be a hero."

[Tethras Clan]

"Bullshit. Hawke, what he made you into... that's not you. Not at your core. He used your loving nature, your willingness to trust people, to give them second chances and he betrayed all of it." Varric shifts a little, and at the dwarf's glance, Peli moves out of the way so he can stretch out alongside his daughter. "And it wasn't just... words. He used magic to ease things along. It wasn't your choices either, not entirely."

[Marian Hawke]

"I led Merrill there," she whispers to him. "It was my fault, what happened. I let that happen to her."

[Tethras Clan]

"She followed you," Varric corrects. The best of us really. She never once blinked, never once stepped away. Maybe too loyal, perhaps, but still. "And it wasn't your fault. It was it's fault. It was the one that sold her, that... put her in the position to be hurt as she was. It and the drow that... did it. You were the one that saved her. Even after all that was done to you,  you were still hero enough to save her. And the other slaves for that matter." The two that were able to be saved anyway.

[Marian Hawke]

"And I got killed for it," she whimpers. "Just like before. I can't-- I'm not good enough for you, Papa."

[Tethras Clan]

"Well... you did better this time," he offers with a wan smile. "You were only mostly dead this time. Improvement."

[Marian Hawke]

She looks past him, swallowing. Papa... I tried. I really tried to be the little girl you wanted.

[Tethras Clan]

"Sorry, just... my point stands, I was just trying to... laughter is healing and such. I... yeah. Dying isn't the best choice and I'd prefer to have you around for as long as Mileen is willing. But... dying to safe a loved one? Well, you already know that's exactly the sort of thing I'd do." Varric reaches over to cup her cheek. "You make me proud, daughter."

[Marian Hawke]

I have to tell him. He deserves... he deserves my honesty, if nothing else. He's going to hurt, badly. He's going to hate me for it, probably shout at me. But he deserves to know the truth about what I am, about what I've become.

"I tried to end myself," she says quietly. "That's why I had the knife."

[Tethras Clan]

"I... I feared as much," Varric admits with a pained voice. "Might have just... well, not just, i guess but- anyway." He takes a deep breath. "You... you plan on trying again?"

[Marian Hawke]

She should say no. Everything in her screams that she should say no. She knows if she doesn't say no, it'll hurt him. It'll make it harder to get away with it in the future. They'll put her under watch, they'll take away anything she could use to hurt herself, they might even send her to someplace like Summerhill. And what would be the payoff? Nothing. She would gain nothing for all that heartache. 

And yet...

Not everything, in retrospect. There's a small part of her yearning to be heard, aching to shout loud enough to drown out her fears. Varric's hand on her cheek amplifies the thought, making it more urgent, making her hear it:

Honesty. Openness. Trust.

Before she can talk herself back out of it, she whimpers an answer: "Yes."

[Tethras Clan]

"Thank you," Varric whispers. "I knew you would be... still planning. This wasn't impulse, so... people don't just try once. So thank you for not lying to me. We can get through this, together. Just... keep being honest with us. Trust us with your problems and worries. Let us make up for failing you."

[Marian Hawke]

"You never," she whispers vehemently, eyes filling again. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Didn't I? If I had been there for you, really been there, would you have fallen for Jadan? Gotten tangled up, maybe, sure, but if I had pushed myself out of my rut, actually told you I loved you, you wouldn't have gotten in so deep you fell," he whispers, voice tight. "Even if you pushed me away, if I hadn't turned my gaze, I would have noticed what it was. Could have interfered. Exposed the lies and sins to you."