Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline can't help herself, can't stop it. At the word, a sob is wrenched from her. Maorai? After what I did, what happened to you? I don't deserve that title. I never did. But... maybe I can. Eventually. I have to try harder. "It's really good... good to see you," the paladin says a little hoarsely. "Can... Fu- Blast, I'm bad with this. Do you want a hug? Or is touching... bad?"

[Marian Hawke]

She gives a small, jerky nod. Which question is that an answer to? There's no help coming from her lips; she doesn't speak again. 

[GamesMaster]

Anders comes forward, hanging back behind Aveline. Observe, for now. Let her take the lead.

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline hesitates, then just asks, "can I hug you?" At Hawke's nod, she noticeably untenses. Which is not to say she's not tense, just noticeably less so. She starts to lean over for the hug, then changes her mind and takes knee. Not as... looming. Gently wrapping her arms around Hawke, she takes a long, slow breath. "I missed you," she whispers, eyes welling up. "I should never have left you."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke rests her head on Aveline's shoulder. I love you. I missed you. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to, I didn't mean it, I'm so sorry. Somehow, she packs a good deal of this into one word: "Aveline."

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline loses control herself again, letting another sob slip out. "I'm sorry," she whispers back. "I love you. I- losing you would tear my heart out, but running away from- from us wouldn't help. It would just be the same as- no, it'd be worse because I'd be giving up time we could have had together. I should have stayed, fought for us. Protected you."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke whimpers out, "Aveline." You didn't d anything wrong. I don't blame you. You were-- I hurt you, badly. I was awful. I'm better now, I won't hurt you again, I--

Lifting the knife, pressing the tip right over her scar. Taking a deep breath, feeling it barely prick her skin a little as she does. Closing her eyes. Hearing Peli shout, being tackled, the knife falling to the floor and spinning away into the corner.

I can't promise that. I can't promise anything of the sort. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, letting out a small, broken whimper. 

[Tethras Clan]

"It's alri- It'll be alright," Aveline promises. "It'll get better, I promise. I won't leave you again. Okay? Can- I know I don't deserve it, but please believe me."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke can't help herself; the shame, the guilt, overwhelms her, and for a moment, she loses track of herself. "Yess'm," she whispers, bowing her head in submission. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Ma'am?" Aveline says with a weak laugh. "What's got you all formal?"

 Next to her, Zevran sighs as he sets down the tray of tea. "It's not formality. She... agrees to orders or... strong suggestions rather easily these days," he explains, voice thick.

Aveline's eyes widen and more tears leak out. "Oh Hawke, I'm sorry, I- I didn't mean to..."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head, mutely. I'm sorry. I'm broken, I'm sorry, I can't, I'm not a hero anymore, I'm broken, I'm just a pet, a toy, a sheath. 

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline pulls Hawke closer, Zevran reaches down to grip her shoulder and Beka nuzzles her in the gut. "It gets better, ma faucon bien-aime," Zevran whispers. "If I got better, then so can you. I promise."

[Marian Hawke]

Before Anders leaves, he gives her a dose of a tonic intended to help artificially lift her mood, help her to break the spiral she's trapped in. He leaves another dozen vials with Peli, along with instructions in their use; he promises to come back, to check on her, to make sure it's taking. 'There is hope', he tells her. 'You need to believe that.'

It's hard to tell if it helps, at first. She seems to have more good days -- but is that Aveline, or the tincture? Or even Beka? The dog stays with Hawke when Aveline leaves, giving her something warm and soft to cling to at all hours of the day; several times, Zevran arrives to find Hawke staring at nothing, petting the Mabari, or draped over the Mabari's back, using her as a pillow. It seems the canine never gets more than a few feet away from Hawke. 

She starts getting dressed more easily, keeping up her grooming more easily. She starts being willing to go out on short excursions, as Anders suggests that exercise will do her good. A week later, she and Aveline are out for such a stroll; Aveline pauses to chat with one of the locals when Beka suddenly lifts her head, sniffing at the air. A moment later, Beka begins gently tugging Hawke away, off into a garden out of Aveline's sight. It's a rose garden, for some reason; there are hedges with thorns, and various wild roses climbing up trellises, draped on trees, and blooming fiercely despite the wrong climate and season. It's breathtaking; when Hawke sees the blooms, she stops trying to control Beka, instead letting the dog guide her through it, staring at the blossoms absently. She doesn't bother to look at where Beka is leading her...

[Tethras Clan]

That morning, Varric and Anders had convinced Merrill to go for a walk as well, though more for the exposure to nature and spirits other than Raplin than the exercise- not that the exertion would be bad for her. Physically, she's fully healed, though the scars on her back, from shoulders to knees, will never fade. After wandering through a rose garden- the rarity and incongruity of which had distracted the elf for a good half hour- Merrill had been suckered into playing fetch for Silence. The mabari aren't much for that sort of game often, but after being a cuddle-pillow for almost a week, she needs to run a bit. And the simple, repetitive nature of the game seems to settle Merrill. Almost meditative.

"Is... what kind of time frame are we looking at for them?" Varric asks Anders softly. "Not- not looking for a hard number, exactly, just... are we doing good, great, terrible, what?"

[GamesMaster]

"This is good," Anders says, softly. "Both of them are doing well. Hawke.. less so than Merrill, but still moving in the right direction. You can expect the symptoms of trauma to linger for years, likely, especially for Merrill, but I would expect within a few months she is... functional. If she keeps away from her triggers, that is. Which will present a challenge, but we can start working on them some when she's on her feet, start pushing back the parameters. Maybe not all women, for example; maybe we can get her to be around feminine individuals without flashing back, after a while."