Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Varric nods slowly. "Most drow females are big and tall- pretty sure that's why she tolerates me the best," Varric replies. "So should we start with slightly built females? Is it the similarities or just the... fact that they're female?" Unvoiced is that Hawke is, while lean and muscled, fairly short and not broad in the frame.

[GamesMaster]

"Right now, it's everything, because she's highly sensitized to the trauma and thus triggered easily. With some work, we can walk that back. Female children for example. Female dwarves. Short, petite female humans. Work our way up to female elves, taller female humans. Maybe we can get her to only react to dark skin, eventually. That would let her function in society most days." 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric flinches. "Only- do you think... do you think she could ever... be around Zevran?" Gods, that would... he would... live, if he could never see Merrill again. Between Hawke and Isabela, he would manage. Especially if he and Merrill can talk from time to time. Unless... unless Hawke never recovers enough to juggle the two of them. Because if it becomes a choice, he'll leave before he lets Hawke pick him. And provided that Isabela is around for him. Though... maybe, if things do go bad with Hawke, then maybe he could go with Isabela? Travel with her... suboptimal, to say the least, but... it's a back-up plan at least.

[GamesMaster]

Anders hesitates a moment, then a moment longer. Finally, he says, "It's too soon to tell. Anything could happen."

[Tethras Clan]

"That... sounded a lot like 'no,' Anders," Varric comments, eyes closing in pain. "what if... how... how much of triggers is seeing things and how much of it is knowing it? Merrill loves Zevran, trusts him completely. I can't imagine this... just makes that go away. So it's just seeing something that triggers a flashback, right? She managed to talk to him, through a closed door over a week ago, so..."

[GamesMaster]

"Promising," he says, readily. Almost too eagerly. "It really is too soon to tell. We can't know what she'll be like when she settles into a new normal."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric gives him a flat look but doesn't call him on it. Instead, he says, "new normal?"

As the two keep into that conversation, Merrill continues to play with Silence. Throw, fetch, throw, fetch. It must be nice to be a mabari. No stress... no worries. Well, maybe a little stress and some worries. They're smart doggos after all, not just regular doggos. She can definitely tell I'm not okay.

Gods, I hate being like this. I just... everything is so... muffled and... unimportant. It hurts to be away from... people, but I just can't... care enough to... And Zevran. Oh Zevran, I'm so sorry. I just can't see you without...

Black skin, gleaming in the glow of arcane fire as it strokes my skin. White hair, bound and braided, bouncing and swaying as they move. A hand, gripping a whip. The cracking noise less than a seconds's warning before stinging, slashing pain across my skin. The feel of roughly worked iron inside me.  Hurting, hurting, hurti-

Panting, Merrill buries her face against Silence's flank, the mabari having sensed her distress and returned to offer comfort. After a moment, she lifts her tear streaked face and kisses Silence on the forehead. "Thank you Silence. You're a good girl," she whispers, then adopts a curious expression when she notes the canine cocking her head and looking towards the roses.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke reaches out to pluck a pale pink blossom. This would look so pretty against Merrill's dark hai--

The look of pain, of fear, in Merrill's dark eyes. The lines of blood along her back. The whimper when she reached for her, the way she tore herself away, refused to let herself be touched.

Her hands shake as she lowers them, staring blankly at the bush. Beka shoves her head under one hand, trying to calm her, but she ignores the canine, guilt rising up in the back of her throat like bile. I failed her. I let Merrill suffer. I am worthless.  I am nothing, empty, hollow. I am just a pet, pampered and helpless on my own. I am just a sheathe, useless without a blade and a hand to guide me.

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill stares at Hawke with wide eyes. Hawke... I... gods, what I am feeling? My heart is pounding and... and... and.. I think I might be sick. Despite the chaos her body is in, she can't look away, can't tear her eyes from her... her... What is Hawke to me now? Are we still lovers? Does she still love me? Do I... Her hand curl into a fist around Silence's fur and her breathing quickens.

"I love her. I love Hawke," she whispers, the first sentences she's said in three days. I.. that... it felt... true. I do still love her. I just... why does looking at her hurt so much? It's always been so simple. Love Hawke, then love Hawke and Zevran. Everything else was just.. stuff around that. But now there's so much noise in my head. I got upset with her before. Angry even, or sad or frustrated or saddened. But it was always just... mist, burnt away by the sun of my love for her. Now, there's a storm between us and I can't... what if... what if it never...

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke turns her head slowly, trying to find something to look at, something to anchor her in the here and now, something to cut through the storm in her head. I need a dose, she thinks distantly, between flashes. 

I am a pet, a toy. I have wandered off. I should return to Master should be a better pet should do as I'm told should--

Visual hallucinations are new, she thinks distantly, stunned. Why Silence? Why not just Merrill? How would--

Is she... real?

Hawke stares at a spot near Merrill's head, letting her peripheral vision take her in rather than looking at her directly. She stops breathing, still, frozen, watching. Merrill? Merrill is... here? Merrill is... is here? Her brain skips like a record, the cycle of her dark thoughts tightening until it's one tiny sentence. Her grip on Beka's fur tightens to a degree that might be painful for the dog, her free hand shaking violently, her skin pale. Merrill. 

[Tethras Clan]

Beka makes a soft not quite whine, twisting her neck to lick Hawke's wrist. Winter Alpha? Why pain? Is mate. Mate also pain? Go to mate, make better. Silence wags her tail discreetly, trying to signal a welcome to Winter Alpha and her littermate, but made uncertain by the clear tension in the air.

"Hawke," Merrill mouths silently, unable to make words, any words, achieve true vocalization again. She's... right there. With Beka. Just... just like me, with Silence. It's like... some kind of mirror. Is she hurting like me too? Is she broken and wrong? Tears start to fall as she realizes... Do.. do I want her to be? Am I hoping she's hurting like me? I love her, why would... do... do I blame... oh gods, I- no. No no no. I won't. It was them. They hurt me, Hawke nev-

'Show me how you like it. Show me on this lovely doll. Make her squirm.' 'Yes Master, thank you.' Sharpness trailing along my back, lower, pressing in. Not cutting, no blood, not much blood, just a line of bright almost pain, love and fear and shame twisting in my gut. A soft whisper in my ear. 'Isn't this fun Merrill? Isn't Master kind?'

Lines of pain, real pain, searing into her back as a mouth latches on her groin. Cold iron digging my throat, can't breathe, can't swallow without pain. Pelvis still in agony, the scent of burnt flesh in the air. A whisper in my ear. 'Isn't this so much better, slave? Am I not kind?

Hawke tackles me to the floor of Wynne's sitting room, reaches back and swats my bum. Once, twice, rapid. A pause, I squirm, moan softly. Twice more. A shiver, a soft, pleased, begging mewl. "Hah! Take that, wicked thing," Hawke purrs softly into my ear.

"Hawke, please, just for a little while, we barely talk anymore, I just-" "Sorry Merrill, he needs me, I just can't spare the time."

"I'm not casting you away, dear heart, my first love, my dearest soul. You're perfect. You did nothing wrong. I'll come back to you, I promise. Nothing will change." Marian begins peppering my face and hair with kisses, each one another drop of rain on parched ground.

Being still, reaching upwards, reaching downwards, as the seasons pass in a steady march of time. The feel of the sun on their leaves, droplets of rain beading on branches, roots burrowing into rock and soil. Birds nesting up high, animals resting in their shade. Steady, unbowed and ageless. Peaceful, tranquil and forever.

Merrill blinks rapidly, her eyes unglazing as she shakes her head slightly. What was I... oh. Hawke. She's... right here. In front of me. What... what should I do? Almost of its own accord, her hand comes and up she watches as the ball she'd been throwing for Silence is gently lobbed underhanded to Hawke.

[Marian Hawke]

The ball thumps straight into Hawke's chest, unnoticed. Uncaught.

Her mouth begins to move: small motions, no sound to them, but three separate syllables repeated over and over. Slowly, she finds voice enough to whisper the words: "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry" 

Lines of red along Merrill's back. Simultaneously beautiful -- like the stripes on a cat, the contrast of bright red against pale skin -- and disturbing -- Merrill's pain, hitting Merrill, hurting Merrill. 

Lines of red along Merrill's back. Blood dripping down her pale skin. Hawke stares in a trance, frozen, can't breathe, can't think, someone hurt Merrill, someone hurt her, and yet, and yet--

Merrill steps into the bath, and there's a dark bruise on her pale behind, her perfect rear marred. Hawke's hand tingles at the memory. But surely that shouldn't have bruised. It was just a game. It was just fun.

Her hand smacking Merrill's butt. Merrill's soft cry of pain and pleasure mingled. Loving it, loving Merrill, loving being with her, touching her, stroking her. Loving Jadan, loving obeying him, loving being his toy, his sheath. 

"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry"

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill winces as Hawke ignores the ball. Does she not want... to... is she that- is she angry with me? Please don't be angry with me, I don't- Please don't hurt me, I'm sorry, I just- She blinks as her ears catch Hawke's whispers. What is she- Why is she saying... that? She's... sorry? For trusting Darkness? For trying to leave me, again? For letting Darkness hurt me? For hurting me herself? For making me like it? Unable to look at Hawke anymore, Merrill turns her head to the side, pretending she can't hurt Hawke's plaintive whispers.

Whining softly, Beka nudges Hawke's hand with the recovered ball.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke jars out of her cycle, her mouth stilling as she looks down at the dog, at the ball. A ball. Why is Beka handing me a ball? A moment later, the past few minutes catch up to her. Merrill threw this. At me? To me? Underhanded. To me. Merrill wants... to play catch? To... I don't understand. I don't know what she wants. How can I be a good pet if I don't know what she wants?

A pet-- maybe she wants me to fetch? Hawke takes the ball, glancing up at Merrill and holding it out toward her as she takes a step forward, then another. Please, is this right? Is this what you want?

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill, noticing the movement, flinches and steps away from Hawke, maintaining the distance exactly. Evidently not.

"Hawke where did you-" Aveline sucks in a breath sharply through her teeth as she spots Merrill. Damnit! I was distracted for two minutes. Why didn't I wait to arrange for getting Hawke her favorite dried fruit isn't worth- if this sets them back- damit Avelene, stop being such a failure! "Hawke... are you okay?"