Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"How do you feel about what I just said?" he asks after she doesn't speak.

[Marian Hawke]

"You're wrong," she whispers. "It's not dribble. It's the Book of Noble Truths."

[Tethras Clan]

Oh goody, she stated an opinion. Daft one, but that's how my life goes these days. Even the silver has rust on it. "Why? What makes you sure about that?"

[Marian Hawke]

She glances up, confused. "It-- it said so on the cover."

[Tethras Clan]

"...I... meant about it not being dribble," Varric clarifies.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke looks down at her lap. Jadan seemed so earnest, so passionate about it. And he was happy -- happier than me. So shouldn't he know? If it brought him peace and joy -- and, and it was working, until I came back here. Until I wanted... things again. I have to try harder.

"It works," is all she whispers. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Really? Did Jadan look like it'd even tried to achieve 'the surrender of desire, the relinquishing of it.' Cause from what I saw, it was living a very plush, comfortable lifestyle with lots of luxuries and enjoyable hobbies," Varric counters. "So clearly Jadan didn't think it worked, or it would have been doing it as well."

[Marian Hawke]

"Don't call him that," she whispers. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Don't who what?" Varric asks, not catching the thrust of her comment.

[Marian Hawke]

"Ma-- Jadan. Don't call him it." Her voice is firmer now. 

[Tethras Clan]

Fuck. This is what you focus on? Really? Do I refuse? Could backfire- bad pick, sure, but she's voicing an opinion. Conceding would justify its worth to her. Could use her inability to focus, evade and she'll probably forget this... Or maybe... "How about a deal? I'll use 'he' for it, even in my head, if you don't ever call or think of him as Master again? And changing languages or using a codeword that means Master isn't allowed either. The same for me, for Jadan's pronoun."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke hesitates, lowering her gaze again. I can't. I can't in good faith promise that. I can't... control it, a lot of the time. He is my master, whether he's alive or dead. I can't just... stop being his pet. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric sighs a little. "...we can work on that too," he finally says, pressing a kiss to her brow. Probably pushed her enough for today.  I want to talk to Anders about her... memory editing, or whatever it is she's doing. "Want to read some more? Or do you want me to read instead?"

[Marian Hawke]

By way of reply, she hands him the book, settling back into her seat as he resumes. 


Once she's safely back in Aveline's care, Varric heads to the tavern where he, Merrill, and Anders have been living. They had been hopeful that he'd be able to get more out of her, to get a better sense of where her head is at; optimistically, they had agreed to meet after his visit, to talk through how she's doing. Isabela, Zevran, and Anders have already snagged the best table (the one in the corner, with two walls to their backs, and a couple barrels providing partial privacy from a third side) and a round of ales, including one for him. Isabela has one arm around Zevran's waist, and Anders is reading over a letter from Summerhill, keeping him up to date. 

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran is in a half-doze, having been earning a bit of coin by helping some of the rangers deal with a few poachers last night. They're great hunters and such, but humanoids aren't their normal prey. Still, he perks up at Varric approach, offering a tentatively hopeful smile that dims at the dwarf's expression.

"Hey," Varric says wearily. "Has she been... self-editing her memories, even recent ones, this whole time?" he asks bluntly.