Under Darkness [AU]

[GamesMaster]

Anders flinches, but takes a moment to regain his calm. "The largest fear I have is of her ability to maintain her emotional equilibrium. She seems to lean on certain core beliefs, and if they're now painful to her, she will have to find new core beliefs. Without careful supervision, this could leave her in a worse state or delay her recovery." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Should... should we all sit down and... maybe come up with some ideals, beliefs, we can offer her?" Varric asks, sagging against a nearby wall. "Try and work out some stuff that fits with, uh, pre-Mori Hawke's principles and ethics.

[GamesMaster]

"It's not the worst plan, I'll give it that," Anders says, with a sigh. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Alright. We'll have a huddle tonight." He studies Anders for a moment, then adds, "so if you want to get a bit further from Hawke's room and unload first..."

[GamesMaster]

Anders pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm not going to pretend I'm not furious with you. But blowing up right now helps nobody. We're all in this together; if anyone should know how to work together toward a common goal, it's a communist, right?" 

[Tethras Clan]

"Then how about I share some wealth in the form of some ale instead," Varric offers. He glances at Isabela. "Room for a pirate lady as well."

[Isabela]

"Yeah. I think drinking would be good right about now." She looks Anders up and down for a moment, making her invitation clear, before she glances back to Varric. 

[GamesMaster]

"I'm flattered. And homosexual." Anders says, in a deadpan voice. 

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke doesn't stay asleep for long. She wakes, ice cold and screaming, straight into a panic attack; it takes a while to get her calm, at which point they have to administer alchemical help for her to get back to sleep. 

The next day she's quiet. Really quiet. Despite their best efforts, she won't talk to them; she bursts into sobs out of nowhere, and twice has panic attacks, but she doesn't speak, doesn't explain what's been going on. 

Isabela has been spending time around Varric, helping him focus on Merrill, get his mind off his other daughter. She's got a similar build to the drow ladies: hips and bust, with curves between. But her skin is light, she wears a bandanna over dark hair, and she drops the flirtation while she's interacting with the elf. It helps. They keep busy, and Merrill's slowly but surely moving forward. 

Unlike Hawke. Day two is as bad as day 1; day three, they try another formula, one that keeps her quiet and spaced out, stops the panic attacks, but doesn't coax her to speak. Zevran tries to coach her through a new mantra, hoping he can drag her out of her spiral, but while she smiles at him, she doesn't speak. 

Varric returns, with his wand and his formula. Hawke doesn't look up at him when he enters; she's not taken her dose today, and she's hugging her knees to her chest, letting out soft whimpers, rocking back and forth while Aveline comforts her. 

As he downs the vial, he's given the first peek into her mental state:

Please, I want to die, I can't, I can't do this. I just hurt everyone, I hurt Merrill, I got Jadan killed, it's all my fault, I can't stand this anymore, I just want everything to stop. I wish I hadn't come back.

[Tethras Clan]

"You can do this Hawke. I promise you we can get you through this," Varric whispers to her as he kneels on the side of the bed where she and Aveline are cuddling. "It's not your fault. You were the victim, it's not your fault. It will get better, we'll help you. It'll get better,  I promise." Time, if nothing else, will dull the sharpest mind eventually.

[Marian Hawke]

It's all my fault, all of it. They were trusting me and I let them down. I failed everyone. I broke apart my Clan. Jadan gave me no better than I deserved. If I had just tried harder, if I had just reached out-- it'd be better if I was gone. When I'm gone they won't hurt so bad. They won't be held back by me anymore.

[Tethras Clan]

It's all my fault, all of it.

"It's not your fault, Hawke, you were a victim."

They were trusting me and I let them down. I failed everyone.

"You trusted us and we let you down. We failed you. We all failed each other."

I broke apart my Clan.

"We're not apart, not really. We're here together, for you and Merrill."

Jadan gave me no better than I deserved.

"You deserved nothing of what that monster did to you. Nothing."

If I had just tried harder, if I had just reached out--

"We could have- should have- reached out too. We should have tried harder too. And even if we hadn't, none of us deserved to be hurt for fumbling a little. We'd have figured it out."

it'd be better if I was gone. When I'm gone they won't hurt so bad.

"No and no and a thousand times no. You being gone would be a gaping hole that's never heal."

They won't be held back by me anymore.

"Held by, held together. Not held back. You're our heart, Hawke. None of us would even have met were it not for you. You're the... the light that showed us all to love."

[Marian Hawke]

He's lying. He's just trying to make me feel better. He-- he's answering me. Papa? 

Still rocking, Hawke opens her eyes, looking toward -- and through, past -- her papa. Papa. (master) Papa's here. I have to pull myself together, I have to get it together, I can't let him down. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Not lying. Not about this. Yes, I can hear you. Sorry to pry," Varric says with a wince. "We were getting worried about you. Been almost four days since you talked."

[Marian Hawke]

(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry) Four days? I guess I -- I remember sleeping, a few times. (I'm sorry I'm sorry) (Keep it together) (self-indulgent selfish bitch firebrand) She takes a deep breath, lets it out. I'm safe. I'm with Clan. It's going to be okay. These words Varric might recognize -- they're part of what Zevran's been trying to coax her into using as a new mantra, hoping to at least get some positive thoughts in there to go to battle against the negative ones.