Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Varric reaches over to take her hand. "Thatta girl. Fight it, fight for all of us, most of all for yourself. You're making us proud, how much you're trying. Just keep it up."

[Marian Hawke]

Her hand closes gently on his, her mind racing. For myself? I don't matter. I've never mattered. I'm only as good as the people I can save, the people I can protect. (Worthless, idiot girl) (You should have been the one to die not Bethany) (Let go of desire, accept your place) (Good pet.)

[Tethras Clan]

"Gods Hawke, of course you have value. Your life isn't- isn't a bandage that's supposed to be slapped over other people's pain," Varric assures her.

"Even Vangal doesn't want His followers to cast their lives away without care. We're shields, not..." Why is all my brain offering 'condom'. She flushes red as Varric chokes slightly. What are you- damnit, I need to replace my ring! Dwarf I swear to Vangal-

"Not food wrappers? Or, uh, fruit rinds? Shields are expensive, you keep them around, take care of them" Varric says quickly. "And you're even more than that. You're a person, a... shield-bearer, not just a shield."

[Marian Hawke]

Aveline's a shield. I'm a mistake. No, don't say that, Papa won't like that.

[Tethras Clan]

"You've made mistakes, you are not a mistake," Varric says firmly. "You're a blessing. A gift from Astea."

[Marian Hawke]

A blessing. A blessing that let Bethany die (practically killed her myself). A blessing that let (MERRILL!) my friends get hurt. A blessing that (don't don't don't don't think about it) almost lost Aveline forever.

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes, you're a blessing. You were just a girl, when your sister died. That's not your fault. None of us could have saved here when we were that age either. You're not a goddess, you're a mortal like us. Imperfect," Varric assures her. Hearing my words echo back as she hears them is... strange.

[Marian Hawke]

I am a pet, a toy, nothing but a sheath (no, don't, stop) Jadan never loved you (leave it alone) Jadan killed me (stop it stop it don't think about it) [MERRILL!] I am safe I am with Clan I am worthless I am nothing I should have stayed dead--

The maelstrom dies off, latching onto that thought. There is, abruptly, clarity: I should be dead. All I have to do is rectify that and all this goes away.

[Tethras Clan]

Varric leans in, hand gripping Hawke's chin to force her to look at him. "Killing yourself would destroy us all. It would fix nothing." He pauses a moment. "You are forbidden from committing suicide. Do you understand Hawke?"

"Varric," Aveline hisses, looking torn. Hawke not trying to- not doing- not doing that again, yes. But ordering her like he just did...

[Marian Hawke]

In the stillness in her mind, the singularity of purpose, he manages to dredge something else up to the surface. She lowers her gaze from his eyes, giving a small nod. Yes, master. I understand. I will do my best to please you.

[Tethras Clan]

I will spend the rest of my life making up for doing that to you, Varric swears to himself, eyes closing for a few seconds. "Thank you Hawke. Can you promise out loud? Can you say you won't kill yourself out loud? For Aveline?"

[Marian Hawke]

She opens her mouth to obey, but pauses. I can't. The more I say the worse I make things. I don't want to make anything worse for Papa.

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, talking is a good thing. Honesty. Openness. Trust. Remember? Remember that?" Varric says.

[Marian Hawke]

"Remember, Hawke. Remember this." (Remember that, it's important). An echo of pain, a mental sense of pulling back, of fleeing, as well as refusing to let go. As if her mind is caught in a trap where the more she struggles to get free, the more it hurts and shreds her skin. After a few seconds, one side wins out: Jadan's face, the look of utter disgust and contempt on his face as the sword slides home into her chest.

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke!" Varric's voice is sharp and loud, right in her ear. "Back here! Focus on here. Think about Aveline. What does Aveline call you? Think about that! Think about Aveline." Without thinking, Aveline channels a healing into Hawke, hoping the familiar sensation will jolt her back.