Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke bursts into fresh sobs, forcing words out between them. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "I-- I-- you j-j-just love me and I t-treated you so b-b-badly, I--"

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke no," Varric protests. "You didn't- we're the ones that left you alone. You didn't mistreat us." At her back, Aveline rests her head against Hawke's shoulder as she continues to rub the merikos elf's arm gently.

[Marian Hawke]

"You d-d-didn-didn't le-leave," she protests. "I s-sstopped t-t-trying. I just-- I wanted J-jadan to l-love me and it said it d-did and then I-- I ab-b-bandoned you a-all."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric closes his eyes for a moment, weathering the lashings of guilt, pain and fear. "No you didn't Hawke. You didn't stop trying until... until that weekend. After Jadan had twisted and warped your mind. That wasn't your fault. That's wasn't your fault," he repeats.

"I walked away first," Aveline whispers. Never again. "It started with me."

"Aveline," Varric snaps, causing the paladin to hunch her shoulders. Damnit, I thought we'd worked on that... then again, it's not like I don't still blame myself too...

[Marian Hawke]

"No," whimpers Hawke. "I did. I died and left you alone."

[Tethras Clan]

"You died for us. You gave your life so we could live. And yes, that hurt, gods did it hurt to see you lifeless on the floor. But what would all of us being dead have gotten us?" Varric asks.

"'What greater love, than to give one's life for another?'" Aveline quotes softly. "You gave up everything, your future, your hopes and dreams, your joys and sorrows, for the chance to give us more time. To give us life. Even if you got a second chance, that doesn't diminish it in the least. You didn't know, couldn't have been sure. You sacrificed everything for us. And I was so weak that all I could see was my own selfish pain."

[Marian Hawke]

"But I keep doing it. Th-throwing away my l-life. I don't-- I can't-- I can't promise I won't--" She whimpers, hiding her face against Varric's shoulder. 

[Tethras Clan]

"I know, I know," Avelins shushes her. "I wouldn't... I wouldn't want you to. That... that isn't the woman I love. But... but I can promise. I swear to you, once more. I swear my shield to your protection, my honor to your cause, my soul to your love. With Vangal's blessing and in Astea's name, I swear I will guard and serve you for all my life, amata. I will never walk away from you again. If you die, then I'll beg for your return. If I'm not granted that, then I'll devote my life to finishing your works, to protecting that you loved, to being worthy of meeting you again after death."

Varric lets out a long breath as he listens to Aveline. "I... I don't have an oath," he admits. "Not like that. I... I can only promise I love you. That I'm your Papa and I won't ever stop loving you."

[Marian Hawke]

"It gets bad," she whispers after a long pause. "It gets bad sometimes, and I-- I don't know if I am strong enough to face it. I remember how bad I am, how little I deserve you all, and I think it would... Would be better if I..."

[Tethras Clan]

"No," both of them snap in unison. Varric takes a deep breath to steady himself, which allows Aveline to continue first. "No. And if you try, it would only hurt us more." She laughs weakly. "Literally in my case, though it's worth the pain to keep you."

"Agreed," Varric says firmly.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke nods, breathing deeply as she tries to steady herself. "Will you... bind me again?" she asks, quietly. "So that I don't-- so that when it gets bad, I can't--"

[Tethras Clan]

Varric blanches a little. "Is- I-" Sweet Astea, how do I... "It's... still on." His words are given gingerly, as if worried he'll be struck for them. By Hawke, by the gods. "In case we had to... Delve again. If.. are you... are you sure you're... okay with that? With... a compulsion, even after..."

[Marian Hawke]

She pulls back to study his face. "Yes," she says, as she does. "Of course. Why wouldn't I...?"

[Tethras Clan]

"...because... because that's what... how... it... hurt you," Varric whispers, shame thick and cloying in his voice, his eyes.

[Marian Hawke]

There's only confusion on hers, and a hint of compassion as she reads his expression. "But... you're my Papa. You would never hurt me." She reaches up to brush her fingers along his temple, needing to comfort him.