Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

"I don't want to talk about it," she replies, in much the same tone. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric takes a deep breath. "Can you try?"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke swallows. "It was only a dream, Papa. It didn't mean anything." 

[Tethras Clan]

",...if it didn't mean anything- even just as a... fear- then you wouldn't mind talking about it." Varric squeezes her hand. "You don't have to be...detailed, not unless you think it's important, but... try, just a little?"

[Marian Hawke]

She takes a deep breath. "If I-- if I tell you, will you... can we leave it at that? Can we not tell anyone else?"

[Tethras Clan]

"Was it... about self-harm?" Varric asks instead.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shakes her head. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Alright. Then it can stay between us," Varric promises.

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke takes a deep breath, lets it out. She clenches her hands together, struggling to find the words. When she does speak, her voice is soft but her tone is perfectly flat, emotionless. 

"I was with Merrill. And I asked her if she wanted to play a game. She looked at me, trusting me, and said of course she did. So I led her to a lake, and we waded out into the water, and I pushed her down under it, and I held her there as she screamed and cried and struggled, until she went limp, staring at me, accusing me. And then Zevran was there, and he was screaming at me, look what you've done, you've killed Merrill. And I kept trying to tell him it was better that way. But he wouldn't listen. He shoved me onto my knees and he started whipping me, and I was crying, crawling away from him, I knew he was going to kill me. I looked back and it wasn't Zevran anymore, it was Jadan. He was smirking at me, and he was holding Merrill's head. That's when I woke up." 

[Tethras Clan]

"I was with Merrill."

This is... not going to end well.

"And I asked her if she wanted to play a game. She looked at me, trusting me, and said of course she did."

Face supportive and engaged. Don't flinch. No matter what she says next, don't flinch or look disgusted.

"So I led her to a lake, and we waded out into the water, and I pushed her down under it, and I held her there as she screamed and cried and struggled, until she went limp, staring at me, accusing me."

Astea's light, I'd rather this have gone towards sex. I'd rather watch them have sex.

"And then Zevran was there, and he was screaming at me, look what you've done, you've killed Merrill. And I kept trying to tell him it was better that way. But he wouldn't listen. He shoved me onto my knees and he started whipping me, and I was crying, crawling away from him, I knew he was going to kill me."

Guilt and self-hatred. Still blames herself, entirely, for what happened to Merrill. Well... maybe, maybe not. Used a game- like Jadan did- to do it. Indirect blame? Punishing herself for hurting Me- no, not just Merrill. Her loved ones in general.

"I looked back and it wasn't Zevran anymore, it was Jadan. He was smirking at me, and he was holding Merrill's head."

Because Jadan is now linked to all negative emotions. Fitting. Gods, this is going to destroy Zevran. I hope it's just this once but... fuck.

"That's when I woke up."

You mean, that's when Aveline shook you awake. "Okay... okay. First and obvious, Merrill is fine. Do you want to go see her, to make sure for yourself? She's in her room, knitting, so we could peek in without bothering her easily enough."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head. "I trust you. You were with her when this happened. I know she's fine." Physically. But that's the only sense in which Merrill can ever be said to be fine, in which she might ever be fine again. 

[Tethras Clan]

"She's getting better you know. Actually..." His free hand drifts to his vest, then hesitates. "Other than your nightmare, how are you today?"

[Marian Hawke]

"Me? I'm-- decent," she admits, wincing a little. "Sorry, I try not to lie so much." 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric nods slowly. "Alright, I... here." Reaching into his vest, he pulls out a bit of parchment, folded over twice and offers it to Hawke. "She gave this to me a few days ago but... I was waiting for a good day."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke reaches for it instinctively, but her hand slows as she nears it. She stares at it, the blood draining from her face as the realization of what it must be hits home. "I--" she begins, then swallows, her hand trembling. Grab it. Take it. She went to all this trouble, you're going to read it. No matter what it says, you owe it to her to listen. At least that much. 

But she can't. She just stares, hands shaking, fingers inches from the letter.