Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Do you want me to read it aloud instead?" Varric says after a moment.

[Marian Hawke]

That spurs her into action; she takes the letter, tugging it close to her chest. "No! No. It's-- I'll-- I'll read it."  Papa doesn't need to hear this.

[Tethras Clan]

Hawke,
Hello. I hope you're okay. Umm. Anders suggested that I just write as I think and not worry about being all fancy or stuff. Even include the umms and pauses. Well, he said that for my journal but journals are just letters to yourself right? I hope so. Anyway. Papa tells me you're getting better. I'm glad. I miss you. I still love you. Even when I have nightmares... it umm. It's not you. In my nightmares. Even the ones that are memories, it's not you in them. Parts of you, but it's not you. Sometimes it looks a bit like you but it's not you. It's the Gem again, glassy eyes. Not your eyes. The wrong eyes. Sometimes it's hard to remember it's not you when I'm awake. Well, no. I know it wasn't you but I get scared anyway. A lot of things scare me now. I don't like the dark. Or stone walls. Or knives- Sorry. That's probably... I shouldn't tell you that.

Ummm. I'm sorry. I love you Hawke. I always will. I'm trying to get better. To not be afraid as much. I can hug Isabela and Aveline most days now. It's getting better. I'm hoping this helps. Both of us I mean. Not just me. But I hope talking to you well writing I mean will help me not be as scared anymore. It wasn't you. It was-

Sorry. I can't talk about-

Anyway. I've starting knitting. Did you get my blanket? The left wing is a little lopsided but I hope it looks okay. Minerva says that the crafter always sees flaws no-one else does. I think she was double-speaking, about life not just the blanket. She does that a lot. She's very wise, even if she looks all young and little girl like. Kind of like a little big sister. It's nice. I miss you. I miss being held by you. Seeing your eyes. Talking with you about things. Holding your hand. I love you, my Stars. Hope of being with you again, when I'm braver, gives me hope. Sorry, that was silly. I just mean that life seems like it might be worth hurting if I can have you and our Moon back someday.

I hurt him so badly. I hope you're able to help him. I just- Seeing him is worse than the dark, worse than ropes and the sound of- it's worse. It hurts him so much. I owe Isabela so much for keeping him whole. I'm sorry I did that to him, I just can't. I still love him. I hope about him like you. About being together. This is all rambly. Should I send this? I should. You should hear- read this. I mean, you deserve to be able to. If you want. I hope you still want to. I hope you still love, I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you. I hope Aveline can be stronger than me. You deserve to get help. I love you. Can I write you again? If you don't want me to, that's okay. Well, it would make me really sad but  you need to get better too. Please take care of yourself.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

PS- even if you don't want to write, please tell Papa if you want a pillow or a bigger blanket next.

[Marian Hawke]

Hello. I hope you're okay.

She can't. It hits her like a punch to the gut and she covers her mouth with one hand and her eyes brim with tears. Merrill wrote this. I need to read it.

Papa tells me you're getting better. I'm glad. I miss you. I still love you.

This is more, so much more, than I deserve, than I could ever have asked for. Merrill, my Merrill, and she can't breathe, but she keeps reading, forces her eyes to keep going. To drink in every last word. 

Sometimes it looks a bit like you but it's not you. It's the Gem again, glassy eyes. Not your eyes. The wrong eyes. Sometimes it's hard to remember it's not you when I'm awake.

She is undone, utterly undone. The paper drops from her hand, but the words don't stop, won't stop, as she stares through her hand, seeing only Merrill's wounded eyes, Merrill's blood, and worse, an older image, an older nightmare, Merrill glassy-eyed with a fool's grin on her face, a gemstone cutting through flesh to find bone to fuse with, and the newer vision, Merrill too calm, too peaceful, under the water. Merrill encased in ice, her eyes still begging her sister/lover to save her. Merrill bleeding, dying, whispering only 'why didn't you save me, why didn't you protect me, why did you abandon me,' the sick knowledge deep in her stomach that she cannot atone, could never atone, Merrill, only blood can pay for blood -- a thought she can't quite have and yet she manages it anyway, the need rising up in her like sick bile, she's rocking and shaking, pale as death, unable to see anything but the interior of her own head-- 

[Tethras Clan]

A cold shock, sudden wetness on her face. Blinking, Hawke can see Varric dropping a glass even as he moves around the table between them. He grabs her, pulling her in close. "Breath," he snaps. "Hawke, I need you to take a breath. Now!"

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke gasps for breath, but upon exhale, she breathes out, "yessir," before she takes the next. 

[Tethras Clan]

"And out. Then in. Focus on me. Who am I Hawke? Where are we?" Need to ground her in here and now.

[Marian Hawke]

"Master," she whispers, shaking like a leaf, eyes on the ground, as she struggles to breathe deeper, slower. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, I need you to look at me." Ignore it. She's having a flashback. Need to ground her. "Hawke, who am I? Look at me. Describe what you see."

[Marian Hawke]

She tries to look up at him, but her eyes still aren't focusing on him, still looking through him. "Merrill," she whimpers. "Merrill, Merrill, Merrill..."

[Tethras Clan]

"Not nearly pretty enough," Varric says firmly. "Hawke, I need you to look at me. Please, daughter, I need you to focus on me. You're safe. Merrill is safe. Look at me. Describe me."

[Marian Hawke]

"Please, I can't, please, master, please, hurt me, punish me, make me suffer, please, I can't-- I can't--"  She turns her gaze back to the ground, rocking back and forth. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke Tethras, you are not a pet," Varric snaps. "You do not need to be punished. You're safe. Merrill is safe. Repeat that. Repeat that Merrill is safe, that you're safe."

[Marian Hawke]

"I can't, I can't," she whimpers, then takes a deep, shuddering breath. "Merrill is safe," she whispers, folding her arms around herself. 

[Tethras Clan]

"There you go," Varric says proudly. "Repeat it again. You're safe. Merrill is safe."