Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

"Merrill is safe," she whispers. Even though I hurt her so badly, even though I nearly killed her, even though she trusted me and I hurt her and I took Zevran away from her and her away from Zevran and I scared everyone and hurt everyone and-- "Merrill is safe" even though I don't deserve her love and never have and never will again and "Merrill is safe" even though I don't deserve to be alive right now

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, stop that," Varric says shortly after her third repetition. Coincidently the same length of time it took for him to cast a spell. "You deserve to be alive. You deserve love and hope and kindness and all sorts of good things. You deserve us. It wasn't your fault. You didn't hurt her. That was Jadan. Nothing you did after leaving Nyra was your fault."

[Marian Hawke]

it was all my fault, all of it, every moment of pain she suffered was my fault, she trusted me and I failed her just like everyone in my clan. "Merrill is safe," she repeats dully, her thoughts slowly as the initial shock begins to wear off, as she starts to run out of steam. should never have gone with him never have trusted him should have stopped things before she got hurt should never be trusted again should just obey be a good pet and obey Papa and nobody will get hurt like that again

Well she remembered his name at least. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, that's enough. This isn't what Merrill wants from you." Varric hesitates, then goes for the gut. "If you feel like you failed her, if you think you have to make it up to Merrill- then you owe it to her to make it up to her how she wants you to. Not by killing yourself. Not by killing your- your self of sense. Like Merrill wants you to." He stabs at the letter with a finger. "'You deserve to get help. I love you.' That's what she wants from you."

[Marian Hawke]

I can't I can't I can't (She...) I can't I'm so sorry Merrill I can't be trusted I can't let (She said that?) anyone trust me again I can't lose anyone else I can't hurt them like this (Merrill really said that?) 

[Tethras Clan]

"She's fighting so hard to get better, to be brave again, so she can be with you again. You and Zevran both. You're her stars and moon, Hawke. She'll always love you, always want you. She's got a long road ahead of her, but she's still trying. For you. For her sky." Come on Hawke, stay with me.

[Marian Hawke]

she's fighting so hard and I'm not I'm worthless trash I don't deserve her I don't deserve Papa (stop it) if I could give her back Zevran I could leave forever (stop this) take Aveline and let her have the rest (he can hear you) I don't deserve any of this not her love not anything (he can hear you ,you have to stop, you're going to hurt him) Aveline, help me, I can't do this

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, you can do this," Varric says softly, pulling her in close again. "You're fighting too. She has bad days, just like you do. You have good days, just like she does. This isn't a race. You're getting better at your own pace. And that's fine. You deserve love, you deserve help. I love you, daughter mine."

[Marian Hawke]

love me how can you love me when I'm worthless "love you," she mumbles back. it's not a race. Merrill needs you. you have to stop this. can't I can't stop I can't it hurt -- Merrill loves you. You saw that much. If you can't do it for you, do it for her. Be her pet. Let Papa help you. 

[Tethras Clan]

...better? Better is... gods, this is bad. But better. Focus on better. "I will help you. I promise. If you... if you have to... do it for her. Motivate yourself with her, then... that's okay for now. We can... we can shore that fault up when we come to it. Alright? Just... just promise me you'll keep trying. Please?"

[Marian Hawke]

She takes a deep breath, lets it out. tired, so tired. I'll just rest for now. read the rest of the letter. Try again in the morning. Do as Papa says until then. She swallows, her rocking subsiding as she rests her head against his shoulder. Just for a little while, I can obey. Until morning. Promise.

[Tethras Clan]

"...alright," Varric says softly. Everyone has bad days (not like this). Everyone has days where they just can't (be a person?) get motivated. "You just want to... get some sun while I read to you? A story book."

[Marian Hawke]

The letter. I need-- Papa, please, I need to hear what (mistress) Merrill wants me to know. 

[Tethras Clan]

"...now?" Varric asks with a wince. "I mean... how about tomorrow? Or... you sure you want to finish it now? Right now? You, uh, you not doing... all that great."

[Marian Hawke]

She's fighting so hard. I owe it to her. (and maybe there's more like that, like "I love you")