Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Can... she, uh, she didn't... edit it at all. Some of it might be... triggering. Can we save that part for later?" he asks slowly. "Until you're more... stable again."

[Marian Hawke]

what did she say (what doesn't papa want me to know) how badly did I hurt her (maybe trust Papa) I deserve to hear how badly I hurt her

[Tethras Clan]

"It's just... she talks about her own struggles," he says quietly. "You already know she's hurting. Details... wouldn't be good for you right now."

[Marian Hawke]

"Alright," she says aloud. "I trust you. But if you hide something important from me..." I'll never trust you again. I'll never be able to trust you again. (I'll destroy every last bit of ego I have, break myself over and over for her) I won't speak to you again. "I won't forgive you."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric shudders a little, breath hitching. "...I... I promise. You'll..." He swallows. That was good (hurts). She's not treating me as some kind of infallible (bullshit) god, her... (monster) master. She's treating me like a (Papa) father. Trusting, loving, but with (too broad) limits. That's a good (hurts) thing. It's a good thing. "You can read it all later. When you're stable again. I promise. I'll read the.... I'll read everything but the part about her... struggles. Just one part. Okay?"

[Marian Hawke]

She gives a small nod. Okay. It will be okay. Papa says it'll be okay so it will. I'll read the whole thing again later with Aveline. I'll do anything, whatever it takes, to make Merrill even just a little bit better. And Papa will be here to catch me if I fall. She takes a deep breath. When did I end up on the floor?

[Tethras Clan]

"Shortly after I tossed water in your face," Varric informs her. "Can you say something out loud? I'm, uh, not really supposed to be using this to cheat like we are," he says conspiratorially as he backs up so he can help her up.

[Marian Hawke]

He's not? (did it before) since when? Why?

"Uh, sorry." 

[Tethras Clan]

"It's alright, you didn't know. Anders said it's great for diagnostic and such, or for nonverbal patients. But if they can talk, then it's better for them to do that. Keeps you from getting lost in your head." After getting her standing, he heads over to pull his chair around so he can hold her hand while he reads the letter aloud.

[Marian Hawke]

Nonverbal patients ("Been almost four days since you talked."). She winces. "Oh," she whispers. She does one better than sitting by him -- she moves to the lounge chair, so she can curl up on her side and he can bring his chair up beside her. 

[Tethras Clan]

"That was a bad time, but you got better," Varric reminds her as he drags his chair over there instead. "Alright. You ready?" At her nod, he holds up the letter. "Alright. What was the last line you read? Or do you want me to start over?"

[Marian Hawke]

"Sometimes it's hard to remember it's not you when I'm awake." Her voice is flat, deadpan, but the echo from her thoughts is anguished. 

[Tethras Clan]

Ouch. "I... yeah, that's... a rough line. Okay." He clears his throat. "'Sometimes it's hard to remember it's not you when I'm awake. Well, no. I know it wasn't you but I get scared anyway. A lot of things scare me now. I don't like the dark. Or stone walls. Or knives- Sorry. That's probably... I shouldn't tell you that.'"

"'Ummm. I'm sorry. I love you Hawke. I always will. I'm trying to get better. To not be afraid as much. I can hug Isabela and Aveline most days now. It's getting better. I'm hoping this helps. Both of us I mean. Not just me. But I hope talking to you well writing I mean will help me not be as scared anymore. It wasn't you. It was- Sorry. I can't talk about-' Good part coming up next," he adds quickly, voice bright.

"'Anyway. I've starting knitting. Did you get my blanket? The left wing is a little lopsided but I hope it looks okay. Minerva says that the crafter always sees flaws no-one else does. I think she was double-speaking, about life not just the blanket. She does that a lot. She's very wise, even if she looks all young and little girl like. Kind of like a little big sister. It's nice. I miss you. I miss being held by you. Seeing your eyes. Talking with you about things. Holding your hand. I love you, my Stars. Hope of being with you again, when I'm braver, gives me hope. Sorry, that was silly. I just mean that life seems like it might be worth hurting if I can have you and our Moon back someday.'"

[Marian Hawke]

Life seems like it might be worth hurting-- no, Merrill, nothing, nothing on Aldis, is worth your pain. Nothing is worth losing your smile, is worth Zevran curled up in a ball sobbing about his skin, is worth breaking our Clan apart. You were the heart of our Clan, and now I've broken you and nobody will ever be okay again (breathe, Hawke Tethras) and (huh I guess I have two last names now) (breathe) 

"Go on," she croaks. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Two deep breaths first," Varric bargains. "Can you take two deep breaths for me first?" He waits patiently for her to comply, using the time to double check the rest of the letter for edits.

"Okay. Thank you. Okay, here's more. ' I still love Zevran too. I hope about him like you. About being together. This is all rambly. Should I send this? I should. You should hear- read this. I mean, you deserve to be able to. If you want. I hope you still want to. I hope you still love. You deserve to get help. I love you. Can I write you again? If you don't want me to, that's okay. Well, it would make me really sad but  you need to get better too. Please take care of yourself.' See? She wants you to get better. She wants you to be happy and loved." Not too much had to be removed, honestly (irony much?). Just needed a few (very important) snips really.