Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Right okay. I promise. Just. Umm. Is it... have you read it yet?" Merrill asks nervously, beginning to pace again. She's... very high-energy, being still is taxing and almost painful for her. Thankfully, Varric was able to assure Anders that this is actually normal for the elf and not a result of her trauma. Which is... not entirely accurate, but unfortunately Merrill had never shared that story about herself with anyone. Still, it's not a result of the Jadan trauma so...

[GamesMaster]

Anders nods. "I did. The beginning is a little enthusiastic. She writes, Dear Merrill: I love you, I love you, I love you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He watches her for a moment to see how she takes this opening. 

[Tethras Clan]

"She loves me? She wrote she loves me?" Merrill closes her eyes, swaying a little. "Really?" Her eyes open, revealing a puzzled look. "Wait... is she... is she sorry she loves me?"

[GamesMaster]

"I... don't think that's what she meant," he says carefully. "She continues, ' I feel like I could fill a dozen pages with only those words and it still wouldn't be enough, would never be enough. The fact that you still love me -- that you want me in your life at all -- is more, far far more, than I've ever deserved from you or any of my Clan.'"

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill blinks a few times, staring at Anders. "Of course I love her! She's- I love her! She- she- she made life okay. Made it life. I was so alone, so lost and I couldn't find people, couldn't reach them. But she pulled me in and gave me warmth and light and joy and-and and it all started with her. With Hawke. How could I not love her? I've always loved her. Even with the monster in her skin hurt me, I loved her."

"It hurt so much," Merrill whispers, arms hugging her stomach. "Loving her and knowing she loves me but she hurt me and that wasn't right, i didn't like it but I love her and she wanted it and I wanted her and it hurt and- but it wasn't her, it was her. It wasn't Hawke. It was the monster. Hawke loves me, she wrote so. She loves me." The elf looks at Anders pleadingly. "She loves me?"

[GamesMaster]

"She loves you very much. The time you spent together before Memento Mori is some of her most cherished memories. I saw that myself." Anders' tone is gentle. "But I think she feels responsible for the way she hurt you, when He used her to hurt you."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke never hurt me," Merrill snaps. "The monster did."

[GamesMaster]

"Merrill," he says gently. "We talked about this. Even if it wasn't her real, true, best self, it was literally her hand that hurt you. She'd feel responsible for that, even if it wasn't her will that did it."

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill scowls. "..." After a few moments of him refusing to keep reading, of him waiting for her to say something, she finally bends. "Fine. The monster hurt both of us," she compromises.

[GamesMaster]

"You have to at least understand her point of view," he says, his tone still gentle. "Otherwise communication isn't possible. From Hawke's point of view, she believes she hurt you very badly. She feels responsible. She's wrong, but that's how she feels. Can you accept that she feels that way?"

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill mulls that over for a bit. "I can accept Hawke can have stupid ideas."

[GamesMaster]

He chuckles. "Fair enough. Shall I continue?" At her enthusiastic nod, he resumes reading: "'If you need me to step back, just say the word. I swear to you, I will leave Raplin's Oak in an instant if that's what you need, if it helps you just a little. I will leave Papa and Zevran and Anders behind to help you and leave with only Aveline by my side. I know I owe you more than even an elven lifetime would be enough to repay.'" 

Here he pauses for her reaction. 

[Tethras Clan]

"...stupidstupidstupidSTUPID ideas!" Merrill shouts, fists balling up as she stamps her foot. "She is so stupid!" Growling, she paces rapidly, then suddenly stops. "Where is she?" she demands.

[GamesMaster]

"You know I can't tell you that," he says gently. "If it helps, I agree with you. Leaving would be counter-productive. Varric's not going to let her, nor is Aveline, nor am I. She's safe and well cared for, just like you. None of us are going to let her leave, just like none of us would let you mark your skin with a knife."

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill throws him a very dirty look, but at least she doesn't mud him. Again. Still, better than what had happened to that poor mirror... Thankfully Minerva was very understanding about the whole 'indoor lighting bolt' thing. "...hmmph." She resumes pacing, then breaks off to rummage through the little writing desk.