Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

She reads it, more than once, before finally setting it down. Crying silently, she strokes the parchment slowly with one finger. "She still loves me," Merrill slowly whispers to herself. "Can I get a... box? For her letter? I don't want to lose it. And-and I need to send this latter back right away. I'll have a longer one soon but this one needs to get to her right now."

[GamesMaster]

"Of course." Anders smiles at his patient. That went better than I expected. Maybe they can speak in person sooner than I had hoped.

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill scribbles something more, then tears the tap third of the paper to hand to Anders. "Here. This is important, she needs to read this today." She then waves at him, as if to dismiss him.

[GamesMaster]

He laughs. "Alright, fair enough. I'll see you tomorrow, then, Merrill." 

[Tethras Clan]

The first reply, given to Hawke later that very day, is short and rather to the point.

You are not allowed to do your stupid, moronic, foolish, dumb, inane, imbecilic and otherwise not good plan. I want you to stay and get better. No leaving.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

[Marian Hawke]

Merrill,

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will do my best to get better for you. Anything you want, I will do to the best of my ability. 

I see you changed your name. I'm glad. Papa's a good person to know, and he's been helpful enough to me that I know he must be so helpful to you. 

I love you, and I'm sorry
Marian Hawke

[Tethras Clan]

My Loving Hawke,

First, I love you. And second, I love you. And third and fourth and - well. Fifty-one ten-millions, I don't want you to go away. I want to be with you again someday, when I'm we're better. Also I love you. I'm glad you love our Clan and you realize how great they are. Papa really is absolutely wonderful. You have very good taste in dwarves. Oh, that sounded like sex. Sorry Papa. I like that he doesn't want sex. It makes him- I don't like to think about that much anymore.

Umm. Oh! I wanted to scold you! Not about the Stupid Dumb Plan (though it was a bad plan), but about you saying you don't deserve to be Clan. Of course you do. There wouldn't be a Clan without you. And it wouldn't be a Clan if you left it. We all love you. I'm so proud to have the Clan name. One day i hope...

I'm glad you're keeping busy- I know you don't like to do nothing. What kind of book were you thinking about writing? I'm not smart enough to be of much help with it but I'm sure Papa can. And I can, ummmm, well, I can support you. And make sure you're warm while you write it. Oh! I've started work on your pillow. What kind of stuffing do you prefer?

Give Zevran a big hug and kiss for me? I talked to him, for a little while, yesterday. It was... good. Hearing his voice is good as long as I manage to not think of... the monsters. But that's getting easier to do. Most of the time. I haven't had a panic attack in almost a week now.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

[Marian Hawke]

Beloved Merrill,

It's good to hear you're doing well. That's exciting, that you haven't had a panic attack in a week! I'm so happy you're getting to be able to talk to Zevran. He misses you terribly, I know. I really hope you two work out well. You deserve to be happy, and he used to make you so happy. 

Have you been able to spend much time around Isabela? She's been really great lately. I've noticed she's been sticking to Zevran like glue. I think they might be together now? I hope so. She needs someone and so does he. 

I'm doing a lot better than I was. I don't think you need to worry about me now. You should focus on getting well. Do you think you'll want to go back to Nyra someday, or stay here? I find I like Raplin's Oak, but then again, I do miss Nyra.

Did you hear my stupid brother is coming to visit? That's about all I have to say about that. 

Love you always,
Marian

[Tethras Clan]

My shining Hawke,

Thank you for saying that but, umm, I'm sorry. I had one this morning. It... it wasn't a bad one though. So that's something. Anders gave me a tonic and that helps. Sorry. I think I need to... I'll finish this in the morning. Ugh. Why am I finishing this? I should just start over but I don't want to hide things from you. I'm glad I got to talk to Zevran before my- before I had that bad morning. He hurting so much. I'm hurting him.

I shouldn't think like that. Probably. No, I shouldn't. Papa and Anders tell me I shouldn't, even if my head tells me it's true. I need to trust them. Ummm. I have spent some time with Isabela. She's actually really nice. I never thought she was mean, but I didn't realize how gentle and... loving she can be. I do agree that she and Zevran are together. Her eyes get all warm and happy when she tells me about him. I ask her about him whenever she comes around.

I'm not sure if I want to go back to Nyra. I would really miss Minerva and Raplin. I think maybe...  maybe we could live at both? Maybe summer and spring here, then winter and fall in the city? I'm actually thinking of converting. Raplin is one of Uyrll's, so it's not really much of a change but... He's been a lot of help,
 especially in the beginning.

I hope things go well with Carver coming to visit. I'm sure Papa will make sure it's safe so I'll just wish you luck. And maybe suggest that Carver takes a tonic, like the one that Anders makes for me when I have a bad day. Please take care of yourself. Love yourself. And remember I love you.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

[Marian Hawke]

Darling Merrill,

It's okay that you had one. I am sorry that happened. I am sorry I did this to you. I am sorry.

You are not the one hurting Zevran. He is another victim like you. It's not your fault.

I think you would make a great priestess of the Oak. 

I love you forever,
Marian

[Tethras Clan]

My Guiding Star,

It's hard to think of it that way. That it's not me that hurts him I mean. If I could just be braver, then he wouldn't have to suffer like this. I know it's not... that me being afraid isn't because of something I did. Well, most of the time I know that. I mean, i always know it, I just don't always believe it. I think sometimes that if I had been smarter or cleverer or stronger or bolder than I might have been able to stop the monster from hurting us.

I asked Aveline once if she can teach me to become a paladin, because she's never afraid. She said that she feels fear too, it's just that her faith allows her to act despite it. That it's not lack of fear but rather the ability to control your fear, to live despite it, that I need to learn. Does that make sense? It sounded good when she said it but I just... it sounds so hard. I'm sorry, that's- I'll keep trying.

I'm glad you think Raplin is nice too. Have you met Minerva or her sisters yet? I wish I could talk to Raplin directly, but He only speaks tree. What do you like about the village? Is there anything you like? Anything you miss from Nyra?

I... I don't know if I should ask this. If... if I'm being... ugh. This is hard. I don't want to pressure you or hurt you. But... your last note was kind of, ummm, sparse? Are you okay? Can.... can I help? I shouldn't have asked, ignore this okay? I'm sorry. I love you.

I love you, my guiding stars, my first friend, my first love, my hope.
Please be well.
Merrill Tethras

[Marian Hawke]

The next note doesn't come for another four days. When it does, all it says is, 

I love you.

-- Marian. 

[GamesMaster]

"She's on her way up," Anders tells Merrill, as he closes the door behind him. "You're sure you're ready to do this? I do need to caution you, she's.... she's not having the best day right now. It may be better to delay another day or two, just to see--"

[Tethras Clan]

"We already wait three more days after what I thought was a suicide note," Merrill hisses at Anders. "I need to talk to her. I can't wait any longer. I can't. I just can't. Just for a little while, through my bedroom door. I need to talk to her."

"She's not going to bend on this Anders," Varric says with a sigh. Neither of them will, for different reasons, but both are just as solid.

[GamesMaster]

"I know," he says gently. "I--" 

The knock on the door interrupts them. "Be gentle?" he asks, of Merrill.