Under Darkness [AU]

[GamesMaster]

"It did," he confirms, rubbing her back gently. "She sounded a little distressed, but nothing out of the ordinary. And it sounded like a pleasant conversation."

[Tethras Clan]

Nothing out of the ordinary? That was- that was ordinary for Hawke now? Merrill lets out a plaintive whine, her body starting to tremble again.

[GamesMaster]

"Use your words," he chides her gently. "I can't help you if you don't use words."

[Tethras Clan]

"I don't want good that to be for her shouldn't be normal," she blurts out, the words jumbling up horridy. She whines again, finger grippins his arms and flexing rapidly.

[GamesMaster]

He rubs her back, making soothing noises as he parses through that jumble. "Ah," he says gently, after a moment. "You recall what I said before, about her being hurt very badly?"

[Tethras Clan]

"The monster hurt us both," Merrill whispers, fingers digging into him painfully for a moment. Then she jumps away from him, words to a healing spell pouring from her lips rapidly but perfectly.

[GamesMaster]

Anders soldiers on, hoping to be able to help more substantially. "Have you seen Hawke get hurt like this before?" Come on, I know you know about her family.

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill doesn't met his eyes, instead fussing at his arms as she double checks the healing spell manged to fix the slight red marks her grip had left. "...yes." Some nervous shuffling. "Stabbed in the gut with a sword," she adds in dwarven, then, "gem, twice. Justice. Dying. Bethany."

[GamesMaster]

"And what happened then? Was there any similarities to how she had to heal?" He keeps his tone gentle, letting her do as she pleases to his arms, letting her distract herself.

[Tethras Clan]

Merril gnaws at her lip, then moves away to pace again. "I don't know," she says softly. "She never lets me help! She hurts by herself, she lets Aveline and Papa and you help but never me. I'm useless! I just hurt her and fail and hurt her and I'm weak and useless and-and-and-" Her slow tears shift into deep sobs and she curls in on herself even though she continues to stumble around, still trying to pace.

[GamesMaster]

"So if she doesn't usually let you help, is this unusual for her? The way she's acting?" Anders keeps his tone soft, soothing. 

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill lets out a soft keening and sinks to her knees, rocking back and forth as she holds herself tightly. If he gets closer, he can hear her chanting 'useless' over and over.

[GamesMaster]

He kneels beside her, reaching out to touch her back. "Merrill. Deep breaths." His tone is sharp now, hoping to cut through her litany. 

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill twists out of her ball to tackle him, pressing against him tightly as she continues sobbing. Her litany does stop at least, her sobs taking up enough her breath she can't continue it. After a minute or two, she finally gets control enough to downgrade to just weeping. And she's taking deep breaths in between, even if she can't pry herself off him. Thankfully, they've learned by this point to not hug her back when she's this bad, just rest a hand lightly on her arms, away from her wrists.

[GamesMaster]

Despite his arms aching to crush her close, he only gently rests his hand on her arm. I pushed her too hard, too fast. But I really need her to start challenging her own beliefs sooner than later. I need her to see that this is okay, that Hawke is recovering and not stagnating or getting worse. That this is normal for Hawke. "You can do this, Merrill. It's okay. You have this. You're safe. I believe in you."