Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

Varric studies him for a moment, then nods slowly. "Alright. If you can get her stuff- and Merrill's here, that'd be a kindness. I can arrange for some of my men to help with the packing, but it'd be good to have someone with a personal stake in it oversee things. As for the bills... wouldn't hurt to have someone else chipping in. And..." He considers a moment, then shrugs. "Isabela and Zevran go out from time to time, doing jobs. A third might be welcome. Based on your build, you're a frontliner and both of them are strikers."

The dwarf coughs then, glancing aside. "But, uh, the adoption part is not entirely accurate. If you check, you'd see that the paperwork went through few months back, just before Hawke left town." According to the dates on it anyway.

[Carver Amell]

A dark look passes over Carver's face then, like a stormcloud blowing in from nowhere. He doesn't speak any of the poison clearly on his mind, but that face... this is a man who could hurt someone, badly. 

The moment passes, and his face clears. "Alright," he says, glancing away from Varric. "I'll get what adventuring work I can, bring in money. I have a good deal of it saved up, which is what I was going to-- well, I'm sure you have it handled. I'll go back to Nyra in person if there's stuff that should be overseen. I don't know Merrill well but I'm sure you can give me directions." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Merril lives- lived- with Wynne. And sometimes with me, because Hawke was there," Varric says quietly. "Carver- me adopting her doesn't make her not your sister." His tone is soft, almost apologetic- but not regretful.

[Carver Amell]

"Doesn't it? That's what she always--" 

He cuts off, shaking his head. "No. This isn't about that." May never be about that again. "I'll get the things. It's the least I can do."

[Tethras Clan]

"Thank you," Varric says after a moment. "She does... before... before all this, she still... wanted you to love her. And her b- mother. I'm sure she still does, under all the... pain and hurt of what it did to her."

[Carver Amell]

"I always loved her. I don't try this hard for someone I don't care about. She's my sister, even when she makes the dumbest choices and--" here he chokes off, wiping at his eyes.

[Tethras Clan]

Try this hard? How hard do you have to try to not stab (abandon) someone- "I... okay. She..." Varric struggles a moment, then, "she doubts. Not that... not that people love her, exactly. That she's worth loving. She... she blames herself for Bethany's death. In large part because you- because she feels that you and your mother blamed her. But also because she just thinks thinks she should have been good enough to save her. Because sixteen year old farm girls are naturally suited to fight sodding demons. Or... or if not saved her, at least died instead."

[Carver Amell]

"Any of us would have gladly died for Bethany," he says, his tone bitter. "She was the best among us." 

[Tethras Clan]

"...something I've come to... realize, slowly, over the last year or two? There is no 'best' for people. You can't compare them like that," Varric says carefully. "Hawke can't... it hurts too much to talk about her life in Golden Shores, particularly about Bethany. But the stories she has shared... she was a great person. One that deserved to live. But... that doesn't mean you or Hawke deserved to life any less."

[Carver Amell]

"We let her die," he says, his hand balling into a fist. "She was my twin. I was meant to be her shield. And worse, Marian was our sister. She was supposed to protect us both. Instead, that demon ripped the heart out of our family." 

He takes a deep breath, clearly wrestling with his anger and shame. "I understand why she left. But I can't imagine abandoning my duty, my family, that way. Even when-- especially when things are hard. That's when family matters most."

[Tethras Clan]

"Even... even if it was your family that was making it hard? Even if leaving seemed like the thing that would help that family the most?" Varric asks softly. "Gammy... he was never family. You barely knew him before moving to Nyra- Hawke mentioned you'd only seen him once, for a few days, when she was ten. And afterwards... he resented every minute you were in his life unless he was scamming money from you. Did she ever tell you that Gammy 'appropriated' almost five gold from you all from the Waters of Mercy Fund?"

[Carver Amell]

That gets an even darker look, and a curt "yes." 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric nods slowly. "And your mother... I can't- won't- imagine what it's like to lose a daughter. But damnit, she had two other children that needed her and she failed you both."

He takes a deep breath. "And... and you hated her. I don't doubt you loved Hawke... but you also hated her. You were fifteen, scared, hurting and lost and she was... right there. Someone you could blame. I get that. I remember what it was like to be sixteen. Well, forty, but" he waves that off, "the point is you were still a child and you were forced to grow up far too fast. You managed it, sure, but that takes a price. Everything takes a price. Hawke... she never wanted to leave but..." the dwarf shrugs. "We convinced her it would be best for all of you. I won't lie and say I cared more about her than the rest of you but I do think that her staying would have just... made things go worse."

[Carver Amell]

"I never-:" he begins, but he stops himself. His face crumples, and he covers it with one hand, even now desperate to seem manly, to hide his pain and tears.

"I just wanted my twin back," he whispers, and for a moment he sounds just like Hawke. "I just wanted a sister. A family. A home."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric freezes a moment-

Marian wipes at her eyes furiously, trying to get control of herself. Begs for work, willing to shame and hurt herself, to do anything in order to help her family, to make amends.

-before he makes himself take a deep breath. "You still can. Get that, I mean. Hawke... Hawke needs you. She needs all of us and maybe more. And... and maybe you need her. Us. It'll be hard. For you, her us, everyone. There's a lot of history and... pain, not all of it hers. But... but if you're willing, then... family's worth it, isn't it? Real family, not just shared blood and history but love and loyalty and caring?" He groans softly, running a hand through his hair. "I'm shite at this stuff, emotions and..."