Under Darkness [AU]

[GamesMaster]

He keeps his arms around her, smiling to himself. "You're a wonderful woman, Merrill Tethras," he says quietly. 

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill is quiet a moment. "Thank you for thinking so," she finally says as she pulls away. Gaze averted, she starts to turn so she can head back to the living room.

[GamesMaster]

The rest of the visit goes smoothly; Anders agrees to Merrill learning the basics of swordplay, though he suggests using blunt weapons for the immediate future. They chat some more, until it's nearly supper time -- time for Varric to leave, to spend time with his other daughter. He walks Carver out, leaving Anders to remain with Merrill and take supper with her here.

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill made baked fish for dinner, knowing that while Anders likes salads and is willing to humor her palate, he prefers at least some kind of protein on his plate. And besides, it's not like she dislikes fish anyway. After dinner, the pair clean up and then read for a bit. An hour later and Anders notices the elf start to nod off and starts the long and arduous process of coaxing her to bed. It's a rare night that Merrill doesn't spend at least two hours staring up at the ceiling, exhausted and aching, but too wary and tense to let herself sleep. So, understandably, she can be rather reluctant to actually call it for the night.

After nearly fifteen minutes, Anders at least gets her into the bedroom, where she promptly burrows against him. "Don't wanna," she mutters.

[GamesMaster]

He wars with himself for a few moments before relenting, making the offer. This is going to end in tears and stabbing, but... "Would you like me to stay with you tonight?"

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill's head snaps up, her eyes wide and startled. Then she beams at him sleepily. "I was trying to figure out how to ask you to," she admits with a pleased sigh, nuzzling against his shoulder.

[GamesMaster]

"Alright. I'll send for a pair of pajamas and we'll have a... a sleep-over." She's essentially a child. Think of her that way, not as a grown woman. And for all that's holy, don't picture those dark eyes and hair on a more masculine elf face.

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill steps back a little to study him. "I have some you can borrow," she says after a moment. "They're very loose on me so they'll just be a little tight on you. If you don't mind pastel green and dark brown. Or that they smell of hyacinth and and honeysuckle," she adds. Which is what she always smells of, so that must be a result of how she cleans or stores her clothing.

"Thank you for... staying. I..." She swallows hard. "It's easier to sleep when I'm not alone. When I'm with someone I can trust."

[GamesMaster]

He blinks at her. "It's... good to hear that you can trust me," he says gently. "I would have assumed you would prefer another member of this clan of yours." 

The Clan... honestly, if they were only living together outside the bounds of a city such as Nyra, they would be everything Anders had wanted as a child. Grown adults, each responsible for themselves, and yet together, collaboratively, providing a unit that is stronger than the sum of its parts. He'd been wondering, lately, why he'd run to Hawke's rescue as he had. Was it the fact that he still loved her? That he might always love her? But, in helping Merrill, that had been his answer: that he also loved her Clan, or at least the idea of it. That he wanted to belong here, with them, in Raplin's Oak, more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life. 

But he was a healer, not their friend or Hawke's lover. When Hawke and Merrill were healed, he would return to Summerhill, return to forging his own way forward. He didn't like to think about that part. The profound regret unsettled him. He'd never regretted joining Summerhill's staff before. He was even helping design a commune-like auxiliary campus. So why was he now feeling as though he'd prefer to walk away from Summerhill entirely? 

[Tethras Clan]

"I do?" Merrill asks, perplexed as she stares him in the face. She watches his expression closely, then her eyes widen. "Ooooh," she say with realization. "Silly, you are Clan," she whispers as she leans in to gently press her lips to his.

[GamesMaster]

He pulls back, startled, and stares at her for a moment, tears pricking his eyes. "Merrill," he begins gently. "You realize I cannot-- cannot-- Right now, I am only your healer, and Hawke's."

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill is trembling- and he belatedly realizes she was doing so during the kiss but not before. "W-why?" she asks then pulls away to pace frantically.

[GamesMaster]

"Why-- it's a healer's rule. You cannot be involved with your patients." He takes a deep breath, lets it out. "And even if I was not... Even if I was not your healer, I will not, cannot date you. You are a wonderful woman, Merrill Tethras, and you will make someone an amazing wife some day, but it can't be me. I'm sorry."

[Tethras Clan]

Merrill mutters softly the entire time Anders is talking, still pacing rapidly with her hands plucking and fretting at the hem of her nightgown. She' still hasn't stopped when he finishes, though she does say louder, "Hawke, Hawke's wife," before resuming.

[GamesMaster]

"I hope so," he says gently. "If there's one thing I can do in this life to atone for what I did to hurt Hawke, it would be to restore you to her."