Under Darkness [AU]

[GamesMaster]

"Be right back," he says, slipping off to the bathroom. He closes the door behind him, resting his head back against it as he stares up at the ceiling. You've gone mad. Absolutely mad. This cannot -- this cannot stand. You can't do this again. Remember who it made you last time? What it made you do? Mad.

[Her blood red against Justice's dark body, her form limp in his arms, laid at his feet, Anders the petty puppet king of the authoritarian dystopia that he'd devised, and Marian dead at his feet]

He doesn't end up touching himself. All he needs is a few moments alone with his guilt, away from those dark, sad eyes. Those eyes full of pain he wants to kiss away. That wavering chin full of resolve. 

Gods.


Alright, Anders, don't fuck this up and you can be on the road bolt-free by lunchtime. Anders takes a deep breath, approaching the table where Varric is waiting. He'd sent a message to the dwarf almost as soon as he'd left Merrill's in the morning, asking him to meet here in an hour -- an hour he'd spent transcribing notes frantically into the little bundle of sheets he held in his left hand, his right holding the handle of the healer's kit. Just hand it over, be professional and polite, and walk away. It's the right thing to do.

"Varric," he says, with a nod, as he sits across from the dwarf. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Morning," the dwarf says, then redirects his attention to Anders instead of the scroll he was reading. "You look... everything go alright last night?" he asks, worried. He normally watches over Merrill at night, but he's been trying to wean her off that, just a little, by having her sleep with Silence instead. And Anders was going to sleep in the living room, just in case but...

[GamesMaster]

"Yes, quite," he says, taking a deep breath. "Unfortunately, something's come up. I need to return to Nyra at once. I've here transcribed what you need to know about the various tonics in my kit, as well as instructions to make the sleeping tonic I use as well as the emotion calming one, and I'm leaving the whole kit to you as well. I trust your judgement in making use of it."

[Tethras Clan]

Varric stiffens. "What the- what the hells happened?" When (how) did he get word of some kind of emergency back in Nyra (and I didn't)? "Any idea when you can get back? Can it wait a few days? Carver, Zevran and Isabela are heading that way, they can provide escort."

[GamesMaster]

"I'm afraid--" He cuts off, takes a deep breath. Don't be a coward. "I won't be back," he says quietly. "I leave this in your hands." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Anders, what in the Nine Hells happened?" Varric demands. "Where is this coming from?

[GamesMaster]

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I leave them both in your capable hands." He places the sheaf of notes down on the table between them, rising once more. Just let me have this. Let me do this with dignity. Also, not being shot.

[Tethras Clan]

"Anders," Varric snaps. "By the end of the day, I'm going to have explain to both my daughters why a member of our Clan is leaving them. I would like to have an answer."

[GamesMaster]

"Clan," he says bitterly, and there's a hint of desperation in his eyes, matched only by the dark shadow that passes through them. "I'm only the healer. And you've healers aplenty here." He takes a deep breath, lets it out. "Tell them Summerhill needed me. Or if you can think of a better lie, tell them that. Whatever they can take comfort in, I won't begrudge you." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Anders, you're not-" He rubs his forehead. "Do you honestly still think you're just a healer to them? To us?" he asks quietly.

[GamesMaster]

"I have to be." His voice is soft. "Anything more would be unprofessional." A deep breath. "I need to get going. I still have to finish packing. Have a good day." 

[Tethras Clan]

"Anders, sit down," Varric barks at him. "If you can't be Clan and healer, than stay as Clan. That's what's needed more." He pauses, then his eyes widen. Unprofessional. "Ah. Merrill," he says slowly.

[GamesMaster]

Anders stiffens, tense. "What-- you spoke with her?" he begins, nerves clenching his throat. 

[Tethras Clan]

Varric snorts. "I may not... share in it, or even understand it exactly, but I can at least recognize attraction and... romantic interest," he says dryly. "And you're not really that great at lying or bluffing. It was pretty obvious you've been falling for Merrill for a while now." He shrugs a bit. "Figure it's good for her, to have someone she can love now, not just dream about being with again sometime in the unknown future."

[GamesMaster]

"Do you understand how --" He hisses, then stops, taking a deep breath. "Varric. I'm her healer. I've been tasked with putting her shattered mind back together again, with ensuring that she becomes a whole, independent person. I cannot, cannot, cannot be... partial. Do you understand how tempting it would be to slip in a few comments here and there, to encourage her dependence to transfer to me instead of doing the harder work of reducing it, to--" 

To his credit, he looks rather ill even saying this.