Under Darkness [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

She gives a single, short, jerky nod. "I hit her," she whispers. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, it's not the same. Spanking is... rather normal, from what I understand." Gods, why am I having this conversation. Where's Zevran? He could do this so much better than I can.  "I... the night with you and Zevran was the only time I've ever... do anything close to sex really, but I've... read some about it. And Zevran and I have talked about... things. Sex things. Spanking is... common. And it's not abuse. Not with consent. Merrill evidently likes" or at least liked "being spanked so it's okay. It's not abuse."

[Marian Hawke]

"But I-- I liked it. It was the same," she whimpers.

[Tethras Clan]

"No, it wasn't," Aveline says firmly. "Jadan spoke common, right? That doesn't mean what he said was as good as what your Papa says. Or what Zevran or Isabela or Anders says. Just because they have something in, ah, common, doesn't make it the same thing. You enjoyed spanking with Merrill. That's okay. It's different than what Jadan twisted you into doing. He tricked you into thinking Merrill wanted that. That you wanted that. But that wasn't you, not the you deep down."

[Marian Hawke]

"But I-- I did," she whimpers. "I liked hurting her." 

[Tethras Clan]

"No," Aveline says firmly, squeezing Hawke gently. "You thought she wanted it. You thought it was just... pretend hurt. Umm, pain play Zevran called it. Jadan tricked you into thinking Merrill wanted that. You wouldn't have done it if you were thinking clearly."

[Marian Hawke]

"I wanted it," she whispers again. "She-- I wanted her to want it. But I wanted it."

[Tethras Clan]

"I... maybe. Maybe you do like pain play. Or maybe Jadan made you think you did. I... this is something you need to talk to Zevran about. I just don't know enough, I'm sorry amata," Aveline says regretfully. "But he spoke of pain play like he was enjoyed it so... you're not bad unless he is too."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke says nothing for a worryingly long moment. Finally, she mutters, "made to like it. Slave."

[Tethras Clan]

Aveline takes a deep breath. "And is Zevran bad for having been enslaved?" she asks carefully.

[Marian Hawke]

"No," she mews at once. "But-- I liked it before."

[Tethras Clan]

"Would... would you feel better if you spoke- or just wrote- to a Joyous? To check if other people like spanking and other similar games?" Aveline asks. "Because I doubt it's just you three that like it. Actually, don't you know a priestess of Ciren already?" Silly? That can't be right... "Kelly?"

[Marian Hawke]

"Seli," she whispers. "Lovan. Mori." She takes a deep breath. "I'll write to her."

[Tethras Clan]

Oh. Dammit. Right, they were there at... what's done is done. "Alright. That goods. We can work on that tonight, after dinner. And Zevran met her before, so he can get it to her when they head back to Nyra for our things." My house... the home Wesley and I were going to... no. That's done with. It's just something to be sold for coin now. Focus on Hawke. Focus on now. Mori. The gem,  "Hawke... have you ever heard of something called battle shock?"

[Marian Hawke]

"B-battle shock?" She tries to remember, though right now, everything except Merrill's dark eyes, full of hurt seems really far away.