Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes. It's not the proper healer name, but battle shock is regrettably common for soldiers, guards, adventurers, healers, and really any profession that brings a person into contact with danger or injuries. Not just their own either," Aveline explains. "It... it's... it can have a few forms. Or happen a few ways. Sometimes it's.. like rust. Or being ground down by events. Other times it's a single sharp blow. But it's a wound on the mind and soul, one that scars. Lingers. I have it. So does Varric. I... actually, I think... maybe Wynne? Maybe Wynne doesn't have it. Possibly your brother, though with... well.  I think everyone in the Clan but maybe Wynne. It's common for people like us."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke looks up at her, focusing on Aveline's face for one blessed moment. "...Okay?"

[Tethras Clan]

"Right, I should tell you what that is," Aveline says with a rueful, albeit weak chuckle. "Well. It's... it's a mental condition. People get it from traumatic events, either a single one or a series of them. It varies."

"It... has multiple parts. For instance, a lot of people with battle shock have vivid, sometimes even violent flashbacks. Nightmares are common. Insomnia. Depression or low level unease. Avoiding things that are related to whatever caused your battle shock- so... for me, I don't like to dwell on Wesley. Or how I can't eat barbecued meat, particularly beef." I could have lived happily all my life not knowing that gnomes smell like barbecued chicken when killed in a wood stove. "There's more, but I- we'd need to talk to Wynne or Anders."

[Marian Hawke]

"I-- flashbacks. Seeing an adventurer and swinging wildly." That's a common stereotype of Battle Fatigue: the ex-adventurer who spies a glint of a sword (or a glint off a mirror) and thinks it's an ambush, coming up swinging. Funny and a little sad in a city like Nyra where everyone's peacebonded; terrifying and/or deadly in a small town where nobody is. 

[Tethras Clan]

"That can happen, though that sort of reaction is much rarer than stories would make it out to be. Most of the time, the only one that someone with battle shock hurts is themself," Aveline says firmly. And sadly. "Most of the time it's just long nights trying to not think of horrors. Trying to keep your mind from casting back to painful moments. Trying to feel like you belong, that you're alive and part of the same world everyone else is in, the one you can't always remember from before. It's being worried, always, in the back of your mind. Just a little bit, just a tiny glimmer most days. But it's there." She takes a deep breath and leans her forehead against Hawke's. "Familiar, amata?"

[Marian Hawke]

She's nodding along, looking concerned, but that last sentence knocks the air right out of her lungs. She stares at Aveline like a deer in the headlights, pale, shaken.

[Tethras Clan]

"I... talking about the gem made me remember to mention it. That you have this. And I have this. Like I said, only Wynne, possibly, doesn't have battle shock in our Clan," Aveline says gently. "Okay? Are you following?"

[Marian Hawke]

She lets out a small whimper, shaking her head. "Why...?" Why are you telling me this? What does it matter? She takes a deep breath, lets it out. "Jadan." His name is an airy breath.

Hawke rarely says his name anymore, preferring 'It'. Now, it's clear the other shoe has dropped, and she can't help it; she shivers, the force of even that toothless mention shaking her a little. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Jadan didn't cause you to have battle shock. Made it worse, yes, but you've had battle shock for a long time. Probably since... before you arrived in Nyra.  But certainly by... by the gem." Aveline rocks her for a moment, letting her process this.

[Marian Hawke]

"What?" she whispers, her mouth dry. 

[Tethras Clan]

"You've had battle shock for a long time. And you were able to have a good life despite it. Found love, did good things, helped people, made a living, learned things and just... enjoyed being alive. Not all the time, not every day, not every moment, but you did. You lived a good life." Aveline shifts so she can kiss Hawke lightly. "Just like I live a good life despite my own combat shock. And Varric with his."

[Marian Hawke]

"Lived," she whispers, lowering her gaze. 

[Tethras Clan]

"And can live again," Aveline says swiftly. "You're hurting now, but you can get better. Just like you got better after- after Golden Shores. It's not permanent. Being this bad off. Wounds heal, scars can fade. I just- I just meant that you can live despite being a little... chipped. You have before, you can again. Promise."

[Marian Hawke]

She whimpers, shaking her head.

[Tethras Clan]

"Yes," Aveline says firmly. "You can. I promise. We'll all help. You're not the only one with damage. We all have chips and dents. And we're all willing to stand with you, help you along."