Under Darkness [AU]

[Carver Amell]

He looks away. "Maybe we will," he says a bit firmly. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Right. Of course, I just meant 'never got the chance' at this point in time. The future is full of hope," Seli agrees. She pauses then. "I... I've gotten a bit off track. I wanted to talk to you about Andy. About... why you're helping him."

[Carver Amell]

"As I said." He sighs. "I know what it's like, growing up without a father. Nobody should have to suffer through that."

[Tethras Clan]

"But... all of this? Just because..." Seli laughs softly. "I suppose it's a family trait then. Along with the pretty eyes."

[Carver Amell]

"What is?" he blinks.

[Tethras Clan]

"Goodness? Helping people? Kindness and love?" Seli smiles warmly and pats his cheek.  "It's hard to define."

[Carver Amell]

Carver stares at her openly, jaw dropping. "Are you-- Are you alright? If you have a fever or something," he begins. 

[Tethras Clan]

Selene giggles again, eyes sparkling. "And you react to compliments in much the same way, though she blushes more."

[Carver Amell]

"Now I know you're joking," he protests. "Marian? Modest?"

[Tethras Clan]

"My word as a Joyous," Seli promises, then gives him a somewhat hard look. "My best guess is that she has deeply rooted feelings of self-doubt, lack of self-worth and survivor's guilt. It's part- only part mind you- of what makes her eager to help others. She feels that if she's not providing, not contributing to the happiness of others, no-one will love her. Like she has to earn the right to be loved and respected, even from people she should be able to trust completely." A beat. "Perhaps something else you have in common, at least a little?"

[Carver Amell]

He opens his mouth to protest. Marian? Not being confident, feeling like she has to prove herself? Then he remembers the way she couldn't look him in the eye, the way even her teasing felt like an act she was struggling to put on. The way she sat on the floor, drawing, listless. The way Varric had told him she'd been hurt: breaking herself to win the love of some fucking monster.

What had she done to herself to earn Mother's love? Now that he knew she wasn't whoring herself out, what had she been doing? How had she come across whores, corrupt businessmen -- he'd heard the rumors about Varric and child prostitutes, after all -- mind healers, and Cirenites? Those aren't the kind of people you meet as a secretary, sweeping floors and tallying sums.

He shuts his mouth, swallows. "Mother never meant to hurt her. Hurt any of us. She just couldn't handle losing Bethany. She never recovered from the shock. I couldn't let someone else go down that path." 

[Tethras Clan]

Seli smiles warmly at him. "Goodness, helping people, kindness and love," she repeats softly. "I don't think Hawke ever entirely recovered either. She was the eldest, she was supposed to look after the both of you. Then, for no fault of her own, she failed and Bethany was taken from you all. And then she failed you, failed to figure out how to help your Mother heal, failed to figure out how to heal your heart and take care of you despite being a child herself. Or nearly a child anyway." The priestess sighs. "I... this is just my guess, but I think... I think that when she failed, when you, in your grief, lashed out at her, she decided that if she couldn't be what you needed, she didn't deserve to be your family anymore. That all she could be, all she should be allowed to be, was a source of coin, never seen or heard from. She was punishing herself."

[Carver Amell]

"Well she has me back now," he says firmly. "I don't abandon family. Not ever."

[Tethras Clan]

"Sometimes..." Seli's gaze drifts over to Andy for a few seconds. "Sometimes you can abandon someone while still being right next to them, without ever leaving," she says softly.

[Carver Amell]

"Not me." He takes a deep breath. "Marian is all the family I have, now. I have no reason to stay in Nyra, no reason to do anything but look after her. I... am glad I can help Andy. I know you two are both her friends, I..." He swallows, shifting a little on his rock. "It's something I can do to help."