Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Bethany]

"Mari took care of me. She didn't have any more first-hand experience than I did but dad talks and she always listened. So she made sure we both ate plenty and had some water along with it. But... yeah, I was fairly buzzed. We both were. I... I started going on about how I'd always be alone and... I confessed about being a lesbian. Gods, I never planned to tell anyone that, I knew m- Leandra would never..." Beth jerkily wipes at her eyes. "I was just going to swallow it down, never look at it, bury it. Just... never date, never... a part of me thought... Gods, I don't even know why, but I just... stupidly assumed I'd live with you. Take care of your house, raise your kids. Never really considered how your wife might feel about that until yous started actually dating."

[Carver Amell]

"You'll always have a place with me, Beth," he says swiftly. "But... I want you to be happy. To find someone who makes you as happy as Merrill makes me. To have your own kids. Maybe adopt or... whatever magic."

[Bethany]

"Yeah. Yeah, I've... given some thought to that." Bethany blushes a little. "No-one's... caught my eye, seriously, but... I'm thinking about it. And... trying to keep an open mind about looking. Hard trying to find someone that... I guess I'm picky, but- no. No, finish, Bethany Willow Hawke," she growls at herself. Deep breath. "After... after I dumped all that on Mari, she... Well, you know her. She grabbed me and hugged me and told me I'd not be alone, that she'd stay with me and... and I kissed her. And she froze a bit but then she kissed me back and I... We. Ummm. Didn't... It stayed above the waste, I guess. Well, over clothes anyway. And we were too drunk to... get too far towards... finishing."

[Carver Amell]

Carver blanches, but nods, letting her continue. I don't really want to think about them like that.

[Bethany]

"Sorry, I know you're probably not... I just... I dunno, I thought maybe it might help that we just made out... heavily... rather than actually... you know. That. All the way." Bethany clears her throat. "Anyway. we passed out and poor dad... he, uh, he came back from an overnight to the mine and kind of... walked in on us passed out on the floor. We never... Mari was... I... I was too thick, too self-absorbed to notice it really then but she wasn't okay with it. I mean, I noticed she was upset, but I didn't get why. Might still not get why, I'm just guessing, but... I think it was... Witch. Drop-out. Bisexual. And now doing that with me. It was too much. Nothing... happened again. We didn't really talk about it, not directly. It was just... kind of there, unspoken but loud."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods, slowly. "I've... wished I was a girl, before. So that you and I... I was jealous. You were closer to Marian than me."

[Bethany]

"Just in that," Bethany says gently. "I didn't have a a secret spot with her. I didn't sleep in her bed when I had nightmares or make a silly pretend language with her. I love you Carver. I always have and always will. You're ma'win and nothing can change that. Nothing."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods. "I... I hate fighting with you, Beth. We never used to, not like we did about Summer. And then Marian died -- I don't know how much you remember, you were in so much pain, but I knew... I knew what was going to happen and I chose to stay with you, to protect you, to let her... to let her do that for you. And then you were so heartbroken I... I worried I made the wrong choice."

[Bethany]

Bethany curls inward, face tightening with pain. "...I remember it," she says hoarsely, that distant scream echoing in her head at the mere mention of that moment. "I remember... r-remembering trying to... to offer to... I c-couldn't run, but I could hobble. And scream. I could have... I was the... one s-slowing everyone d-down, I sh-should h-h-have-" 

[Carver Amell]

"No," he says firmly. "No, no, Beth, no. You were hurt. We both wanted to protect you."

[Bethany]

"I- I know. I know there wasn't a good answer there. Most of the time," she grits out, eyes screwed shut and hands clasped far too tightly together. "But the good answer wasn't you either. Losing Marian broke my heart, ripped out a piece of my soul. Losing you would have snapped it clean in half."

[Carver Amell]

"Okay," he says quietly, reaching up to stroke her cheek. "I'm sorry. I wish there was a way we all could have made it." After a pause, he adds, "If I knew then what I know now, I'd have made Mother do it."

[Bethany]

"Oh Carver," Bethany whispers, eyes flying open so she can twist and hug him tightly. "I'm- I'm sorry. Not that- I'm sorry you had that happen. That... that life took that from you." For Carver to admit that someone in his family should have... That he can- no, that he has to admit that someone in his family had that... obligation to the rest of the family and failed to do it... Gods.

[Carver Amell]

"Yeah," he says quietly. "I feel guilty sometimes too. I think wicked things too. I just... Lelldorin and Dad both say it's normal. That.. Mother's the one who really tore the family apart. Without her, but with Marian, I think we'd have been... more whole. More... together."

[Bethany]

Beth nods mutely. "I... I have to.. sometimes..." she makes a bit of a face. "It's silly but... sometimes I sit up and make myself remember five things about Marian that annoyed or upset me. And five things about Leandra I like." Tone a little guilty, she adds, "the second list is pretty much always the same five things. I have trouble coming up with more. But I don't want to... I don't want to put Marian up as a saint like, umm, like you did with me for a while. Or like how Leandra does, good and bad, with all of us. I..."