Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Varric]

At some point, Elizian realizes that the door to the privy is open part way, a tray filled with hot tea, a shot of whisky, some chocolates and a neatly written slip of paper that says, 'just outside the room when you can talk.'

[Marian Hawke]

Almost desperately, he rolls over onto his hands and knees, grabbing for the whiskey and throwing it back. He coughs a few times, but manages to keep it mostly together as he takes the chocolates, crawling back into his corner to nibble. 

I have to tell him.  

A few minutes later, there's a note shoved out under the privy door:

========================
Ran into Carver. He was upset. I'm sorry. 

I should leave. I won't see you again. 

I'm sorry for everything. Please take care of my family.
========================

[Varric]

After a minute or so, a fresh slip of paper is slipped under the door.

========================
That's not great but we can adapt.

No, you shouldn't. Dragon's already in the vault, no sense in closing the door.

I am and will. Thing is, that includes you.
========================

[Marian Hawke]

=============
I'm not family. not anymore.

Marian Hawke is dead.
=============

[Varric]

========================
Then Liz is family. Or Eli. Doesn't matter what name you use,
you're family. Family helps, family forgives, family fucks up and
has to apologize and fix things. But none of it has to be done alone.
The worst has already happened. C&B deserve to hear it explained
by you. And you deserve to see them.
========================

[Marian Hawke]

==================
I can't. Carver called me M--- and I nearly 
froze over the whole marketplace. I

I can't be with them. It's too close to 
being M----
==================

[Varric]

========================
Elemental Resistance isn't that hard to grant. Can 
met in a warehouse, nothing to break or ruin.

Cindy should be awake tomorrow. Day after by the 
latest. The secrets already out, so I'll find them and
explain what I know. Then we- C&B, Cindy and me
can met you all at one of my warehouses to talk.
========================

[Marian Hawke]

========================
Tell Cindy I'm sorry
========================

[Varric]

========================
Running will just make it worse. 

You need to stand and face it.

Better to have family to support you.

Please. Let me help. Please.
========================

[Marian Hawke]

The reply is a long time coming; long enough that he almost begins to wonder if she slipped away somehow, using that spell perhaps. 

Then the note comes, with a few lines in shaky, uncertain handwriting:

========================
I was tortured

The thought of being M---- anymore 
make me want to start screaming and 
never ever stop.

Being around you, being around the Twins
makes me want to be M-----

But I can't. Marian is dead. I am not Marian.

I promised to take care of them, but I didn't.
I can't. Not anymore.

I promised to be yours, but I can't. I'm not.

Even the thought of you seeing me as I am
makes me ill, makes me want to run away.

I belong in the sanitarium. But I can't go back.

I want you to help me

i want to let you

I want to come home

################

I can't do this.
========================

[Varric]

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, student mine," Varric says softly from just to the side of the door. "Nothing. You suffered, horribly, at the hands of utter evil to keep your siblings as safe as you could. That's a gift, an offering of self, that can't really be put into words. Not by mortals anyway. They've never forgotten about you. Never stopped loving you. It can get better. I'll make sure of it. Whatever help you need, I'll make it happen."

[Marian Hawke]

The verbal response is a small mewling noise, a soul-crushing whimper. After a few minutes, another note comes out:

========================
- don't call me M----

- don't make me be a Hawke

- don't make me be who I was

- don't make me go outside when i can't

- small spaces with clear exits

- i get nightmares. don't ask me

- no drugs. whiskey is fine

- i stay with Cindy. she makes the decisions.
========================

[Varric]

"..Liz Tethras alright?" Varric offers softly, sliding a fresh piece of paper under the door. 

[Marian Hawke]

She glances at the paper, chewing her lip.

[Varric]

After a moment, Varric continues. "Liz might... well, she might... not be who- she isn't the same person that used to be my apprentice. But maybe she can... have a lot of the same qualities. In time."