Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

"Please don't blame yourself," he whispers. "I... it was... I failed you, I pulled away. And you seemed like you got closer to Marian than me. And then I let her die, and you were so.. so... and I couldn't figure out how to be hurting and protect you, both. So I stopped letting myself feel anything at all. And... it happens, from time to time. That I... that I hurt you. And I can't be hurt and protect you both. So I put you first, I always put you first. Because you're wonderful and clever and... and... and it hurts so bad, Beth, I can't even wrap my mind around how bad it hurts. Marian didn't die -- but she didn't come back to us. She's twisted up and broken inside too. And I can't even talk to her about it. She doesn't even-- she doesn't even--"

He wipes at his tears, furiously. "But then I made it worse and worse and now Merrill might never walk again and it's all my fault!"

[Bethany]

"It's not!" Bethany hisses at him. "It's whoever summoned those demons all the way back then. That's the start of everything. Life wasn't perfect, I won't try and fool myself about it but... if it wasn't for that, we'd have managed. Everything came from that, because it took Marian from us."

[Carver Amell]

"It took me too," he whispers, with a shudder. "The only thing I ever wanted was to be happy with my family. And the demons, all that, took away my family. I only had you left, and half the time it seems like nothing I do will ever be good enough for you. Not, not because you want so much from me, but because you deserve so much and I keep making it worse. I used to make things better for you, but we left Golden Shores and everything was wrong and you didn't want me anymore. I don't know how to make things better for anyone! I don't know how to love people without-- without--"

[Bethany]

"But you do! You make things better for me all the time," Bethany protests, eyes wide. "Gods Carver, I couldn't imagine life without you. When I- when I picture the future, when I think of where I'll be years from now, decades from now, you're there. A huge part of there. I love you Carver. You're my twin. Just knowing you're there makes things better. Knowing you love me."

[Carver Amell]

"What if I don't want to be?" he asks, softly. "I liked travelling, Beth. I like adventuring. I like leaving the city from time to time. But I can't ever leave again, because you're here and Merrill's here and you'd both hate me forever if I left. When I... when I thought our family was broken again, I was going to leave because, because it hurt so bad, but also because I want to go somewhere, to see the world. And, and I can't have it both ways, I can't ever go places if it means hurting my family."

[Bethany]

"Carver..." Bethany sags a little. "It's not... it was... rough, particularly at first, when you went to Raplin's Oak. But it was okay. I don't mind if you leave, as long as you write and come back."

[Carver Amell]

"But I said I was leaving and you freaked," he says, slowly. "Even when I said I'd write."

[Bethany]

"Because we'd just been fighting and I thought you meant leave-leave," Bethany says, flushing. 

[Carver Amell]

"I was drunk," he points out. "I didn't make plans. I was hurt and all Miki could think to help was drink and that... that didn't work."

[Bethany]

"No, it really didn't," Beth mutters sourly. "I... it really sounded like you were... just done with all of us. That... terrified me. The idea of you, of all of us, giving up on family was..." She shudders a little. "It felt like the sky had turned to blood and the sun a dark and empty eye." Her nose wrinkles. "But less... gross. Just unsettling and fundamentally wrong. And painful."

[Carver Amell]

"Beth, I... I thought... I thought our whole family was based on lies. That Dad didn't love us, that he was keeping secrets. That he would lie to us about something as huge as Marian being dead. I was... I was done with the family. I was done with everything. What's the point, if that's true? If the last scrap of love and family I could hold onto was all based on a horrible lie then... then why bother? About anything?"

[Bethany]

"But that doesn't- even if it was true, if dad had been hiding Marian being alive from us... even if he didn't have a good reason, if it was just for his convenience... why would you abandon me?"

[Carver Amell]

"Because I was going to pieces," he whispers, closing his eyes in grief and pain. "I couldn't  let you see that. I can't do that around you. Only in Dad's study, and that's, I wasn't going to ever be able to go back there."

[Bethany]

Bethany's own eyes fill with pain and tears. "Oh Carver," she says helplessly. "Next time... next time come home. Get me, talk to me. Please. I'd rather hold you in my arms while you shatter than lose you. Or- or if you really, truly can't- but it's okay to do so- but if you can't, then- then go to Aveline."

[Carver Amell]

"She didn't come back," he whispers. As his eyes flood with fresh tears, he lays his head on his arms on the edge of the bed, his shoulders shaking with sobs. his voice is muffled by the mattress, but she can still make out the next bit: "just like dad".