Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

Carver shivers as the point hits home. "I can't drink," he says dully. "I know that. But this only hurts me, what's the problem?"

[Varric]

"Only hurts you?" Varric asks, pulling back to stare at Carver. "Did you suddenly forget the last half hour?"

[Carver Amell]

He flinches. "No, I meant, physically. I'm not, I don't understand why everyone's upset about it. How can I make them not upset?"

[Varric]

"It's... well, there are a few... reasons why it's bad. Some are just... emotional, instinctive- you're hurting yourself. People that love you don't like that, doesn't matter why or how safe it is. Others are health risks- blood loss, infection, scaring, nerve or muscle damage and so on. Even if you're careful, you're still injuring yourself, weakening yourself," Varric begins.

[Carver Amell]

"But I know how to hurt people bad. And I'm not doing that. I'm careful. And if things go wrong I can get Beth. I'm... it's not that bad. I stop when my hand gets shaky, so I don't mess up anything. Then I just like to watch the blood flow for a while."

[Varric]

Ancient's wrinkled ass. "Well there are other reasons. Like... Well, the big one in my ledger is that it becomes habit. Drinking- cutting- they're easier than facing messy emotions. So you start using it to avoid more and more until you there's nothing left of you except your addiction."

[Carver Amell]

Carver finally pulls back, looking at his lap in silence. It's clear what he's thinking: would that be so bad?

[Varric]

"Yes, that would be bad," Varric snaps. "Gods above, why-" He takes a deep breath. "Even if you can't value yourself, what about your family? Do you distrust and dismiss our judgement so much you can't accept that we value your life?"

[Carver Amell]

"I don't know why," he whispers. "I ruin everything. I-- I just want... I just want to stop fucking up. It seems like no matter what I do I fuck up worse and worse."

[Varric]

Varric is quiet a moment. "I think... and I'd like you to think it over and talk it out with me instead of either just accepting or rejecting it, but I think your biggest problem is that... that you try so hard to be a good person that you don't act the like good person you already are. It's like... when you do a res ne'pas counter after blocking an overhand strike. Your return strike has to be quick, precise and not overpowered or you'll unbalance. But instead of just letting the motion flow, you either get over-eager, swing too hard or fast and stumble. Or you second guess yourself, which throws off the timing and allows them to dodge or block. You don't trust yourself to simply... make the strike as you've trained."

[Carver Amell]

Carver chews his lip, thinking hard. "I think.. that makes sense, but... I don't know how to try less hard. How to just... do the thing, without being worried i'm going to... I think maybe I'm more scared than overeager."

[Varric]

"Well... unfortunately, practice and experience are the real answers. I mean, there are some things to avoid, some tactics to use while you engrain the right thoughts into your instincts but in the end, it's just like learning swordplay." Varric sits back on his heels, thinking. "In this case, the 'overeager' is when you blurt out your first thing, which most of the time you don't mean. It's just things you've heard or are afraid of being true that you just... say without thinking. You've gotten a lot better at that, I should add. Really."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods. "I managed not to piss Beth off this afternoon. She surprised me but I kept my mouth shut and gave her space and she was happy with that. Even fixed the teapot I broke for me."

[Varric]

"See? There you go. You can and are learning. Sure, you... you've made mistakes lately, some doozies even, but... Gods damn fate. Carver, you've had a shit year. More pain, loss, shock and hardship than most people have to deal with in their entire lives." Varric sighs a little, absently prodding at his thumb with his other fingers. "Only makes sense you'd make more mistakes- you're under more pressure."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods, slowly. "I just... I almost killed Merrill. I can't make a mistake like that again. So I keep erring on the side of not hurting Beth or Merrill or... or you."