Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Varric]

"I think you overestimate the degree of trouble talking brings you. It's easy to see when talking starts a fight, but much harder to notice when talking prevents or mitigates a fight. It's called negativity bias in academic talk. Hiding things... well, can you think of a single time Beth or I found out about a secret you were hiding and it didn't explode?"

[Carver Amell]

"When I gave Beth her birthday present," he says immediately. 

[Varric]

Varric gives him a look. "That's not a secret, that's a surprise."

[Carver Amell]

"I.... well, Beth hid this Don thing from me and I didn't, I didn't react badly. So it's possible. I just..." He sighs, looking down at his hands. "I just want... Gods above, I just wanted to do good. How is that so wrong?"

[Varric]

"It's not. It's not wrong to want to do good. To help your family and the people you care about. You just... you have to trust them too," Varric says gently, noting and ignoring 'this Don thing' for now.

[Carver Amell]

"How? Every single time I trust someone they betray me or l-l-leave!"

[Varric]

"People make mistakes Carver. You can't expect us to be perfect. Doing so will only break you and them." Varric frowns a little. "I won't talk about... the promise that came between us, that wouldn't be fair, but... your sister didn't betray you. She failed you, maybe. Failed to be as strong as you wanted her to be, but betrayal implies that she chose to break faith with you deliberately, maliciously. She was trying to protect you, she just... chose a crooked path for it." Sound familiar?

[Carver Amell]

"Marian left me," he whispers. "She left me alone here, let me struggle through all this without her. Beth is getting more and more like Mother every d--" 

He bites off, then, looking away. "Nevermind," he mumbles.

[Varric]

A stab of pain follows Carver's words. "...alone?" the dwarf asks softly. 

[Carver Amell]

He flinches. "You were arrested," he says, looking away. "I had to... I had to protect Beth alone. And... I don't... I know you keep saying you won't leave, but, you could get arrested or killed or, or turn out to have been lying..."

[Varric]

And it comes back to that... "I might. That can happen to anyone Carver. No-one, except maybe the gods, can promise to never change, never leave you and not be instantly a liar. If you need that to be content with a person..." Varric shrugs a little, eyes serious. "You'll never be happy. You have to allow for people being flawed. Including yourself.

[Carver Amell]

"I can't rely on anyone else to protect Beth," he says quietly. "Father left us. Marian left us. Mother abandoned us. You left us. Merrill tried to leave me. I have to do what I can, myself, always. I can't trust that someone else will be there, I can't relax and let my guard down."

After a moment he covers his face. "And I'm not good enough. I hurt her. I almost killed Merrill. I can't not protect them, but I can't protect them. I can't hide things, but I can't tell them either. I can't stay but I can't go. I can't live like this. I can't."

[Varric]

"Okay, stop. Deep breath with me," Varric orders Carver. "Focus on your breathing. Run through your forms in your head for a minute, just... focus on something simple and easy. Try and- thank you Silence," the dwarf says as the mabari thrusts her head into Carver's lap. 

[Carver Amell]

He takes a few deep breaths, his hand finding Silence's ears unerringly and fondling them. Because comfort is important, and you always pet the doggo.

[Varric]

Varric gives Carver- give them both- some time to settle and think. "You can't live like this. We need to... lessen some of the pressures on you. I'll hire a healer- which I should have thought to do earlier, though you could have asked as well- to help look after Merrill. I'm not sure how much time you've been devoting tending to her, but now that she's confident that we've not kidnapped her or some such, she doesn't need you around all the time as the only person she knew here."