Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Varric]

"This...a new thing or have you always had this much trouble with your temper?"

[Carver Amell]

He pauses for a moment to reflect. "New, I guess."

I was never like this when I was younger. I got into scraps, but they were scraps with a purpose. I had to protect Beth, I had to help Marian, I had to--

He takes a long breath, pushing away the ball of shame and anger almost by rote at this point. I had to protect Beth, and to uphold my reputation. I didn't start fights. The whole time I was top dog I didn't start fights. I finished them, but I didn't start them. Now everything makes me mad, like my skin itches, like I want to punch someone so bad I can barely control my arms. And I keep picturing--

He takes another long breath, forcing away the feel of intestines between his clawed fingers, the pale, bloodless shock on the kid's face, how small he looked as he fell to the ground. He doesn't picture Leandra that pale, see her blood splattered about the room. It's better that way, since he doesn't have to face the relief he feels picturing it.

This is new. I don't understand why it's happening.

[Varric]

"Picture something safe," Varric murmurs softly, trying to be heard without getting Carver's direct focus. "Picture a place you're safe. Maybe you're alone, maybe you're not. But there's no danger, not stress there. It's calm. Quiet. Few distractions. It's peaceful and safe. You can relax. Take a few breaths and just... be yourself. Be safe."

[Carver Amell]

He turns to Varric, snarling out, "Nowhere is safe." 

Then, his eyes widen, and he takes half a step back, swallowing. "Sorry. Sorry. I will. Sorry." He takes another deep breath. What was he saying? Safe. Some safe place. 

A memory of Bethany's scent comes over him. He closes his eyes, feeling some of the tension drain. She's safe. We're safe here. This is Varric's house, and Bethany is safe inside.

[Varric]

"...Carver, how have you been... dealing with what's been going on? Golden Shores, Marian, your mother... you've had great heaps of shit hurled down from on high and not much time nor help with dealing with it." He's coming apart at the seams, keeping his head on by sheer force of stubborn ass will. Gods, I keep forgetting he's still only just sixteen. Still a boy in too many ways. Sodding tall humans.

[Carver Amell]

"What? Fine. 'm fine. It's over, now, anyway." He shakes his head like a dog with fleas. 

[Varric]

"Emotions don't just... go away, Hound. You have to deal with them. That's like... instead of taking out the trash, just chucking it into the basement. Gets it out of sight, out of your face, sure, but basements can only hold so much. And garbage doesn't exactly age well..." 

[Carver Amell]

He blinks. "What? Emotions go away all the time. I was angry, now I'm not. It went away." 

Bad example, he tells himself, because he can still feel the anger lurking under the surface, his skin tight, ready to fight. 

[Varric]

"...no. No, they don't. Fade back, but bits of it linger. And the reasons don't just... fade away either."

[Carver Amell]

"What do you want me to do?" he snaps. "I can't-- It's all over. She's gone," he snarls, shuddering. "There's nothing to fix."

[Varric]

"Marian is dead, yes," Varric says soberly, mind flashing back to his visit to Golden Shores just before getting arrested. Actually... "Like missing a limb. Can't fix it, most times, so you have to adjust. If you just ignore it, you'll be constantly fumbling, constantly being brought up short. Have to... face it." 

As he says the second part, he opens a drawer and starts opening one of his lesser safes. "Can't bring her back, but that doesn't mean we can't... adjust. Help each other get as... better as we can."

[Carver Amell]

Carver paces, clutching the glass firmly. "I did adjust. I protect Beth now. That's the important thing. Beth needs to, to live and to be happy, for Marian's sake."

[Varric]

"Hollowing yourself out and fixating on someone- or something- else isn't healthy. It's not sustainable," Varric says gently. "Not to mention it's not fair to you. Or Beth for that matter. Having your entire purpose being on her shoulders... that's a heavy thing to carry. Besides, she wants more for you than just... being her dog." The safe clicks open and he looks down to start finding what he's looking for.

[Carver Amell]

"I'm better at being a dog than a person," he growls. 

[Varric]

"Not really," Varric says bluntly. "And we'd rather have a person anyway. Depersonfying someone is cruel and wasteful, the sort of thing that... It's not something a person should do to anyone they have even a hint of caring or empathy towards."