Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

Carver obediently takes a few deep breaths, reaching for the glass of water. He gulps down a few sips, shuddering as he does. 

[Varric]

"Alright. Good. Thank you," Varric says softly. "Good on the not dying thing, steady on with that. I... I'll be blunt, Leandra isn't your family. Blood isn't enough, not when... sorry. I know you disagree and you've a right to do so. But there's my thoughts on that. You did. if not the right thing, then a good thing, even if it was risky, about running. You didn't know you could trust Andy or the fiery Lt. Vallen so you went with what you know. We can take steps to prevent that sort of thing, make sure you have some contacts and- I'll take some time this week, if you can, to go over the lay of the land in Nyra. Broad strokes, of course, it's a big place, but it'll help. We have options on the Vangal thing. We'll pick out a tutor for you, get the right kind of teaching, one that suits you. That's fine."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods, slowly, as Varric talks. Though he stirs himself to protest Leandra's disinclusion, he only seems to do so as a token, not really expecting to win that, and he seems content to be overruled.

Well, content is a strong word. As Varric keeps talking and he keeps nodding, quiet, obedient, a sullenness comes over him, a blankness. It's like he falls into a bit of a sulk or a funk, uncomfortable and unhappy but unwilling to protest. 

[Varric]

"Speak your piece, Carver. This is a conversation, not a lecture," Varric prods him.

[Carver Amell]

He shakes his head. "I don't have a piece. Not anymore." His voice is subdued, nearly flat. "If you know what to do, I'll do it."

[Varric]

"Carver, please. Don't... don't bury yourself," Varric says, eyes a little haunted. "Don't... hollow yourself out like some kind of living tribute statue. It's no honor, not to the dead or the living. It's an insult and a sin." That... sounded a touch personal.

[Carver Amell]

"A sin. How can it be a sin if I just want Beth to be safe?" he asks quietly.

[Varric]

"Because you're not living. You're not loving, not really. You're just meat, walking around. Might as well be undead at that point. Almost be kinder, at least she could put you down, bury you and grieve before moving on. Better than having something that looks like a loved one going through the motions, a constant reminder of what you should have in your life."

[Carver Amell]

Carver is quiet, staring at his water for a long moment. Finally, he says, "I only ever cared about one thing. And now that's gone. What am I meant to do? How do I... how do I deal with that?"

[Varric]

"It's not gone," Varric snaps. "And if you think it's slipping away, then you sit down and think. You figure out why, you figure out if the problem is something you can fix, something you're willing to fix. And then you figure out how to fix it or you figure out what else you can have. There's more to life than just one person, one place. Maybe you and Beth will never be as close as you once were. Then you keep trying, you keep living and you find something new. But you don't give up."

[Carver Amell]

He shakes his head. "Not Beth, or not just Beth. My family. Mother, Father, Marian, Beth, and me. That's gone, forever."

[Varric]

"So build it back up. If..." Varric falls silent a moment, then refills his glass. Then drains it half way. "If you misstrike a blow and ruin your work, that's done. Can't undo what is, son. But that doesn't mean you hang up your hammer and douse your furnace forever. Salvage what you can. Get new if you have to. Take a break and think on what went wrong. Then try again. And if you fuck up a second time... shit, I already told you what to do, didn't I? Get to work already!" He swallows. "Last lesson my mother ever gave me, before she... before she got too sick to work." Third to last, but that's not as good a story (a lesson on making nails just wouldn't have the right impact), is it ?

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods, slowly. "Beth is still... I still have Beth," he says slowly. "And you. That's not nothing. But.. where do I fit? What do I do? My mind isn't-- you're the one who does the thinking."

[Varric]

"There're a lot of different kinds of intelligence. I'm good with people and numbers. You seem to have a knack with combat, animals and the wild. How about... if you could do anything, if you didn't have any worries about your safety, comfort or future- nor any worries for the same in regards to your family- what would you do with your time?"

[Carver Amell]

Carver is silent.