Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods. "I want to run away," he says quietly. "I want to hurt myself."

[Varric]

"...you realize neither actually helps though, right? If you run, it would break both of their hearts. And you promised not to do the later again, so that would really hurt them. And you'd be doing yourself a disservice as well." Varric continues to slowly rub Carver's back, trying to help soothe the lad.

[Carver Amell]

"I know," he whimpers. "I have to stay. I have to be okay, for Beth, for Merrill. I have to keep it hidden and just... push through. But it really hurts."

[Varric]

"No, not- not hidden. Stay, yes, but you're supposed have emotions. If something is bothering you, you need to address it. Don't repress, that's what leads to Beth losing her shit and slapping people," Varric says urgently. "Pain is way the mind reports damage. You wouldn't just ignore your body telling you that your arm is in incredible pain. You'd set the bone, treat the wound, wrap it up. Don't ignore your heart either."

[Carver Amell]

"But nothing's wrong. I just-- I just hurt. I wish I didn't have feelings. I wish I could be drugged all the time."

[Varric]

"The hells do you mean 'nothings wrong' Carver? Plenty of shit has been wrong in the last twelve hours," Varric protests. "Pain doesn't just fade like mist in sunlight, wounds have to heal whether they're to the body, mind or heart."

[Carver Amell]

"You're not going to throw Merrill away. I didn't try to-- that. Everything was fine until I grabbed the wrong knife. That's all that really happened. But-- but---"

[Varric]

"Well, it wasn't fine, you and Merrill were hurting yourselves," Varric points out gently. "Just because we didn't know about it doesn't mean the problem wasn't there."

[Carver Amell]

"It-- it's really not a problem. I mean, it's scary maybe, with the blood and all, but I never cut that deep before."

[Varric]

"Except that it is, because it could go wrong so easily. And again, it only masks the pain, it doesn't actually help. Painkillers don't cure things, they just make it... less painful for a time and often have side effects that aren't great."

[Carver Amell]

"But there isn't a real problem. I just... I'm just... defective."

[Varric]

"You are not defective," Varric snaps. "That's a filthy word. I won't accept Helene saying it about themself, and I won't accept you saying it either."

[Carver Amell]

Carver winces, accepting the rebuke. 

[Varric]

"Everyone has flaw, son. Just how it is. Best we can do is work to mitigate their effects. Surround yourself with people that can cover for you." He smiles faintly. "You've got three solid and a few others on the edges of solid. Pretty good start to be honest.

[Carver Amell]

"I don't... feel things right," he says quietly. "Beth hates the way I love her, and she hates how I love Merrill, and I can't seem to do right by either of them. And Beth-- Beth was -- she wanted to throw Merrill away. She-- over that, over nothing, she wanted to throw Merrill away."