Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

This isn't my home (you're not my family) anymore. "I can't. That's all." 

She pushes to her feet, lifting a hand. "I'm sorry," she adds, quieter.

[Varric]

"Why Marian?" he nearly begs. "What... What did we..." Varric's eyes close, pain swamping him. "We didn't find you. I... Gods, there's no apology that can begin to..."

[Marian Hawke]

Why? What does he think-- He can hear her realize, hear it click into place. She lets out a little whimper before she can stop herself. Be strong. Think it through.

"It's not that," she says, her voice rough, but level. "You kept them alive, that's more than I could have hoped for. I just can't-- I just can't." It would break me to see the twins again (as if anything could break me worse), let alone try to play house, pretend I'm still Mar(no, stop) their sister.

[Varric]

"It can heal. The scars, the memories... It can heal. We'll help. You're not alone Marian. You and Cindy both. Make a home here with us." Don't run anymore. Please. Stay with us.

[Marian Hawke]

Again she flinches at the name. "I can't," she whispers. "You don't understand how bad it is. How bad I am."

[Varric]

"...I don't. Can't. This is something you can't... learn or understand second hand. But... but it doesn't matter how bad it is. You're our family. Let us help." Please. You can't do this alone, not- not enough.

[Marian Hawke]

She hesitates for a long moment, weighing the pros and cons -- mostly trying to get up the courage to say what she knows, honestly, she needs to say. When she does speak, ultimately, it's much along the same lines as her thoughts, without attempt to soften or deceive:

"I was placed in a sanitarium," she says softly, and again he gets a flash of that dark place, the fear rising until she swallows it. "They helped, a little. Not enough. I have to lie to function, and you -- all three of you -- know me too well to let me." There, it's done, let it go, ignore it, think of something else. Be Liz, again. You were never in that place. You're from Silver Lake.

[Varric]

"But if you're here, with us, we can cover for you. Help take care of you when you break down. Pick you back up when you fall. Help you deal with the issues, instead of just... burying them. Gods, this is proof enough you're a Hawke," Varric says with a soft laugh. "Swear I was just having this same talk with Carver just last night. I have this whole analogy about tossing your trash into the basement instead of dealing with it and how that sort of thing just ends up poisoning the entire house."

[Marian Hawke]

(Carver), her mind whimpers. (what's wrong with him) Liz doesn't have a brother. Liz is strong, an orphan. "I can't," she says abruptly, sliding to her feet. 

[Varric]

"Sit," Varric barks, voice slipping not harsh command but instead into a more fatherly, mentor sort of voice. Even so, he mentally readies the scroll.

[Marian Hawke]

She strangles a whimper -- but so busy is she clamping down on a verbal response, her butt hits the bed without her even noticing until she's down. Stop it stop it stop it. Liz doesn't need him. Liz doesn't miss anyone -- there's nobody to miss. Liz doesn't crave that single, tiny glimmer of hope like this. Liz is strong.

[Varric]

"Marian," Varric repeats firmly. "You need to face this. I get it, not wanting to break down before, when you were traveling. When you were alone or just with one other person who is also healing from... whatever happened to her. But that's not the case anymore. You're safe. With family. You can let go, Marian, and let us protect you while you heal."

[Marian Hawke]

I can't, I can't, you don't understand, I'll start screaming and never stop. She takes a deep, shuddering breath, getting to her feet. "I'm sorry. Please, let it go. Pretend you never ran into me again." It'd be better if I let him think I was dead (I meant to) (forgot how smart he was)

[Varric]

"I can't," Varric says simply. "Not anymore than you could forget about Beth or Carver. You're one of mine too, Marian, and that doesn't just... stop."

[Marian Hawke]

This time she speaks before thinking: "Maybe it should." Maybe I should (what am I doing here) (why am I alive, my purpose was served, I was meant to die, why was I spared only for this) the walls are too far apart (the room is too blue) too much too big too fast can't breathe-- Liz. I'm Liz. Liz is strong. Liz has nothing to be afraid of.

Still shaky, still breathing a bit too fast, she lifts her hand, reaching for the spell she knows by heart by now can never be trapped like that again