Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Marian Hawke]

I shouldn't. Keep my head clear (you don't want to be too clear-headed for this). She shakes her head. "Pick something. I don't drink often." Not since that night with Beth (don't don't don't). "Not too sweet," she adds. Sugar is fattening.

[Varric]

Fattening? Since when did Marian care about that sort of thing (Cindy is dangerously underweight- is that not from the gem?) "Alright, one lightly spiced whisky and tonic." It doesn't take long before he's setting the tumbler next to the young woman. 

[Marian Hawke]

She takes it, trying a small sip. The taste is unfamiliar to her -- he can hear her evaluating it, mentally. After a second, larger sip, however, there's none of the headiness he might expect her to note. Either she's unobservant, or it's not hitting her like it does Beth. "Good," she finally decides. Not so bad as that time with Beth. Probably a variety thing. 

[Varric]

"Not as potent as the last whisky of mine you had," Varric says dryly. "Mixed a little, as well." He heads over to his desk, guessing that Marian would be more comfortable with some distance. "Alright. Take your time."

[Marian Hawke]

What can I say? What can I get away with? (I want to trust him) ("Please") I can't tell the whole truth, I just can't. So what can I tell. Not what happened. Maybe the words they used at (don't don't don't) that place?


"Agoraphobia," she says quietly, staring into her drink. "Worst case I've ever seen, poor duckie". (not that it stopped her tying me down when I screamed too loud) (don't don't don't). "Dissociation," she adds. "Poor thing may never remember who she used to be" (lies) (good). "Panic attacks, bad ones." That Zevran was able to identify (that and the addictions) (those are gone, no need to bring them up). 

[Varric]

Bright gods. Bright gods, Lock it down. Talk it out with Helene later. "Alright. Well, we can make sure your new room is small, but well defensible, with exit points. Dissociation... well, being reminded who you are while keeping you safe and supported will help with that. And panic attacks... well, there's a reason why I carry around four kinds of sedative. Aside from my poisons, I mean."

[Marian Hawke]

That shocks her, right down to her core, and she blurts out her raw, unfiltered thought in a horrified whisper: "You? Panic attacks?"

[Varric]

What? Oh. Well... "Not... panic attacks, no. Used to... When my mother died, I came damn close to becoming a drunk. I sometimes use the mild sedatives... for instance right now. But no, I started carrying them around because of the twins. They... had some serious issues post Golden. Better now," he adds quickly. "But... bad."

[Marian Hawke]

Right now. He's using the sedative right now. (Think it through) because of... me? He's crazy smart, he could have predicted I'd come for Cindy (didn't do much to hide it) The twins, too (was that my fault? because I got hurt?) Better now. Focus on better now. 

She nods, once, a jerky motion. "I don't... do well, on my own, anymore," she says, trying not to think about what she's saying, focusing on the way the moonlight looked in Cindy's hair. "I can't decide to stay, not without her. And I can't stay anyway. I can't be... that person, again."

[Varric]

"Not expecting you to be plucky Marian Hawke, brillant country bumpkin with more loyalty and love than stars in the sky. Some of that sure. Most of that, maybe. You... you've been through a lot. Only make sense that it would change you." He takes a long sip of his drink. "And again, Cindy is more than welcome to stay."

[Marian Hawke]

She twitches at the name, taking a long swallow just to calm her nerves. "I'm not-- I don't know who that is," she whispers. "I can be anyone, but I can't be that. Her. She's dead."

[Varric]

Varric is quiet a moment. "How about... instead of... instead of trying to the person you were in Golden Shores or making up some... mask, some pretend person, you... find out who you are now and be them. And if who you are now is... hurting, even broken, then we put you back to together."

[Marian Hawke]

She shudders, taking another sip. I can't. (Isabela trying to coax her out but she can't, she can't stop screaming, the world is so big) (don't don't think about it don't) (be Liz, easy, no need to dwell).

"I can't let the Twins see me like this," they whisper. "Like that. If you-- if you can convince Cindy, I can-- I could get us a place. You can visit. But. But-- not as that person, and not the twins."

[Varric]

"Give me a few minutes to... think on that," Varric says after a few breaths. Isabela? And earlier she though... The fuck are the odds? Gods be damned (blessed) adventurer fate. "That's... you being alive is probably the fondest wish either of them have. Keeping that from them is... big. But... Let me think. In the meantime... can you tell me about what you've been up to? Not- Not the first... part, if you can't. Later. Whatever you can share."

[Marian Hawke]

Not the first part. Nor the sanitarium. After that... Cindy. (she'll be mad) (don't care) (it's Varric, you can trust him) (right?)

"This is off the record," she says abruptly, taking a sip of her drink. "We're adventurers," she says, softer, after she collects her thoughts. "She's been teaching me the art of disguise. We help those who cannot help themselves. We wear masks, and free slaves, kill slavers, stand up for abuse victims, that sort of thing. Justice and Liberation." The Silver Scales of Justice and the Ruby Redeemer.