Imprints in Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

"I... Aveline says... I would... It would hurt people," he mumbles. "I don't know, I guess maybe, even after what I did... Well, and, Merrill doesn't remember, she needs me."

[Varric]

And isn't that a sharp stab in the gut. "It would. I... truth be told, I'm not really angry with you. I'm hurt. That you... just assumed the worst of me, that... that hurts a lot. I'm disappointed that you'd take out your pain and hate on your sister and Merrill. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt even more if you'd died."

[Carver Amell]

"Why?" He whispers, his tone heated. "I... I'm a monster. I broke my promise. I'm nothing. Worse than nothing."

[Varric]

The dwarf shifts around awkwardly, eyes dipping to the drawer where the bottle of whiskey lay. "Ah, well...sodding hells. You're my son. I love you. If you'd meant tto hurt them, that would be an entirely different matter. But you didn't. You made a mistake and it caused a lot of pain. But that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on you."

[Carver Amell]

"You should." He takes a depends breath. "They say there's truth in alcohol. That who you really are comes out."

[Varric]

"The mythical 'they' say a lot of shit, and just about all of it has much truth as a con man's promises," Varric says bluntly.

[Carver Amell]

"So it's not... I'm not.... But the plain truth is I didn't trust you and I almost destroyed my family single-handedly because... Because... Just because I was scared."

[Varric]

"Not single-handedly. None of us- save Helene- covered themselves with glory this last half week. You didn't trust and crawled into a bottle. But... Your sister shouldn't have made me promise what she did. I should have figured out a way of helping her that didn't require it. Beth shouldn't have sent Merrill off alone when she was expecting you to be troubled in or in trouble. And..." He takes a deep breath. "I know you won't be happy to hear it, but Merrill fucked up good too. She should have come to Beth or me, not reached for the moon. That was weakness and a mistake as well."

[Carver Amell]

Carver is quiet for a few minutes, shifting uncomfortably. After a bit, he stands, pacing, thinking. Finally, when he's ready, he turns to Varric.

"I thought... I thought I was... It was another sign I'm bad. That I... Part of me, when I heard what she did, was mad. Real mad. How could... How could she do that? How could Beth, could you, could the mabari, could living not be as important as whether I'm mad at her? How could she not know by now I say stupid, stupid things sometimes? How could she not even get Beth, just... Just leave? But it's my fault, I said those things to her, I have no right to be mad."

[Varric]

"That's natural. Honestly, it's good that you're upset, even angry. What she did was wrong. It was just as much a betrayal of trust and love as what you did. You were hurt, you yelled and said cruel things She was hurt, she tried to kill herself. That's... not better. That might well be worse," Varric says gently, not giving any indication that Carver's moving around or silence had bothered him. Giving him space and time.

[Carver Amell]

"I was hurt," he repeats. "I got drunk. Real drunk. I hurt Merrill and Beth and... And maybe Miki too, and I think I remember Don...and I almost died."

[Varric]

"Don and Miki are just fine. Miki was a bit worried about how bad you looked the next morning, but otherwise perfectly okay. As for Beth... Yeah, there's going to be some groveling involved in your future."

[Carver Amell]

"How do I... Fix that? Even begin to-- and Marian. I can't, it's like a loose tooth, I don't know how to even think about Marian." Subtly his hands begin to twitch, opening and closing; he shifts a bit, his right hand scratching at his left arm.

[Varric]

"Right now, just focus on Merrill for the most part. Try and spend time with Beth as well, particularly and making sure that the two girls bond again. Give Beth some space for now, but start thinking about how you feel and what you're going to do when she's ready to talk." Varric gives him a sympathetic look. "Because she is going to want a talk at some point. Let me worry about Garrett. Be friendly, but above all else don't try to confront her- him."

[Carver Amell]

"All I can say is I fucked up and I'm sorry and I wish I'd never been born. But maybe not the last part because she'd worry." His scratching gets more vigerous, more rough.