Blood from Stone [AU]

[Varric]

Evidently reading Carver's reaction, Varric musters that smile again. "Something to consider? You did about two-thirds of Merrill's delve. Delves are much, much harder to figure out second hand. Something about being there allows you to pick up elements and information that can be vital to navigating things."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods slowly. "I... I just keep thinking about... when I was, uh, cutting, there was... I keep being... it's like there's this little piece of my mind that spends all its time thinking of excuses and reasons to do it. I keep thinking, it has to be the same for something like this, right? She acts just the same -- not wanting to answer straightforward questions, deflecting onto safer topics, grasping at excuses. I think... I think she's been feeling like leaving for a while now. And that, that nurse you mentioned... if that part of her mind is the part saying she'll never be better..."

[Varric]

"That's also the part of their brain that convinces them to not work for seventy-two straight hours and then fight a dragon so as much as I sometime regret not shooting her in the head, it's probably for the best. Nurse Caution needs to be reduced, not removed."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods. "Yeah, I didn't mean... just... I think she's hiding a lot. A lot. And... I don't know if... it sounds like the delve didn't even help."

[Varric]

Varric winces, a look of guilt and... something else covering his eyes for a moment. "No... it did. But Delves are just... compressed progress. Like... imagine a river that floods over its bank each spring. A Delve is a conjured wall of stone. Fast, durable and nearly impervious to water, albeit expensive to master or hire. But if the reasons for the flooding persist, if the river keeps flooding, then not only will water spill around the edges of the wall, it does wear away at it. It's a start, a foundation to a bank. If you don't dig channels or keep building walls around that start..." He sighs, rubbing his left arm absently. "The flooding was worse than we thought and we let ourselves assume they and Cindy were building away instead of checking. And to be fair, Cindy was trying, she just didn't have so much as a shovel and... had some storms of her own."

[Carver Amell]

Carver ducks his head. "I feel... I feel guilty as hell," he admits. "We just... turned our backs on her suffering. We didn't see -- we didn't want to see. Just like I never wanted to see how much it hurt her to look after us. How much she sacrificed. Not until she was gone."

[Varric]

"Yeah." Just that, just agreement, a shared guilt. Varric sighs again, leaning back against the wall. 

"I know, rationally, that there were valid reasons we were otherwise occupied and that our expectations in regards to them being fine in absence of requests for help were reasonable but... Guilt. Not exactly an emotion that fights fair."

[Carver Amell]

"She almost died," he whispers with a shudder. "If Cindy hadn't woke up... she'd have died, and she'd be in Hell, and we wouldn't know. We'd go to resurrect her and they'd say sorry, no can do, a devil has her. And that'd be it." 

[Varric]

Wouldn't have died. She'd still be here, walking around, a slave, a weapon, a betrayer among us. "Won't like, getting a raid into the Hells would have been a right pain in the ass." Varric smiles thinly. "Neat bit of trivia? If you kill a devil in the Hells, you free all of the souls they own."

[Carver Amell]

"We can't do that. We're not strong enough." Carver sighs. "But that's not the point, is it? You always believe you can win. No.matter the odds. But I... I've lost, before. I can't, I don't have that kind of faith."

[Varric]

"I know. In all honestly, I don't either. It doesn't... it's not really about being sure or knowing I can win. It's about not accepting I can lose. That I can afford to lose." Varric taps his fingers against the wall, lightly as to not make any noise. "And we are strong enough, actually. It would be... costly but possible."

[Carver Amell]

"I guess we're the same, that way. I won't risk it getting that bad. I can't. I will do anything, whatever it takes. But I don't, can't, count on later. For me, there is no backup plan. It has to go well, now."

[Varric]

Surprisingly, that gets a soft chuckle from Varric. "That sounds real familiar," he says almost absently. "Sorry, I just... that was me, when I was younger. I've had too many plans go wrong to expect it at this point. I hope that never happens to you."

[Carver Amell]

"I've had things go wrong," he protests. "I just... I don't trust I can think my way out of it next time. All I have is sheer stubbornness."

[Varric]

"Things go wrong, yes, but not plans." He frowns. "You have more than that too. Loyalty and devotion for one. You have good instincts too, when you're not panicked. And you're not dumb. Not as intelligent at me, Helene or Liz but you're still at least as smart as two thirds of Nyra."