Blood from Stone [AU]

[Carver Amell]

He takes another deep breath before he complies, looking up over the tops of his hands at his Dad, eyes puffy and bleak. 

[Varric]

"You are my son. You are Beth's brother," Varric says, each word careful and deliberate. "Understood?"

[Carver Amell]

He blinks a couple times, and some of the light and warmth comes back into his eyes. "Yeah," he whispers. "Yeah. I'm Carver Firethorn Hawke Tethras."

[Varric]

"Damn right. You're a good man, a good son and a wonderful brother. Focus on that when it gets to be too much. Alright?" In a rare show of affection, Varric moves in to hug Carver closely instead of his normal one-armed hugs from the side.

[Carver Amell]

Carver embraces his father, resting his head on the Dwarf's shoulder. "I am," he murmurs. I'm a man. I am. Nobody doubts it, not even for a minute. It's all in my head. Beth probably doesn't even remember. Nobody else has to know. It's all in the past.

[Varric]

Varric holds him for several minutes, not even realizing he's started rocking slightly in the pattern that have the highest success rate in soothing Helene. Finally, he gives Carver a squeeze and pulls back. "You think you're okay to head to work together?" he asks gently.

[Carver Amell]

"Yeah," he whispers. "Yeah," he adds, a little stronger. "I'm, I'll hit the shower, then I'm going to spend time with Jass and forget about it."

[Varric]

Varric stills for a split second, eyes intent as he carefully inspects Carver. "Are you safe to be alone?" he finally asks bluntly.

[Carver Amell]

He nods. "I.. yeah. Just a shower. I want to..." He gestures to his face. "I'm sure I look like a mess."

[Varric]

"...aright," Varric says, deciding to trust him. "Go shower, I'll entertain Jass for a bit. Should get to know him anyway. And Carver? You realize this won't just vanish, right? That you'll have to deal with it eventually? Not today or even this week maybe but...  Eventually. Before your self-doubt poisons your life."

[Carver Amell]

Carver takes a deep breath. "Fifteen years, I never had to think about it. Maybe in fifteen more I'll be okay."

[Varric]

"Even if not thinking about it might have been why you had so many fights with Marian? Or why you can't date Jassinth? Hells, your deep-seated self-doubt about your 'worthiness' to be male  is likely why you have such a thirst to prove yourself in general," Varric points out. "Just because you put a carpet over a crack in the foundation so you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not putting strain on the walls."

[Carver Amell]

"I can't, Dad. I just can't. I'm sorry." He shivers, closing his eyes. "It's fine. I'll be fine."

[Varric]

"You're stronger than you think," Varric says gently. "And you don't have to do it alone. But it can keep for now. Just... promise me this- if it starts to bother you again, come to me. Don't just force it down by yourself. Talk to me."

[Carver Amell]

"I... I'll try. If nothing else, if I can't talk about it, i'll write something down, slip it to you."