The Amell Legacy: Transgressions

[Marian Hawke]

"We'll see," she says, frowning. "Seems to me, good people are just a bit more patient than bad people, but they always want you to change, want you to be theirs all the same."

She turns a page, then, frowning. "A month of freedom -- from Jadan I guess?" 

[Zevran]

"Second hand, but yes. Isabela managed to steal the... key to my leash, which Jadan was holding last." Which might well have contributed to his fleeing, come to think of it. Danarius invested a lot in my... training... and would have been very put out at Jadan's carelessness. Especially if doing so could help excuse his own in losing the key. "As for people wanting other people to change..." Zevran shrugs. "Why is that bad? Are you such now that you need not ever change?"

[Marian Hawke]

"People always want to use you for something. You either agree with them or you don't. If you don't want to be used for what they want you for, you either break with them or you get forced." Her tone is dark, but she turns a page, trying to act like she's not got a care int he world. 

[Zevran]

"Or you can just say no," Zevran says gently. "Most people are willing to simply disagree over most things."

[Marian Hawke]

"For a while." 

[Zevran]

"I suppose it does depend on what the subject of disagreement is, and whether both parties are willing to work to get past the issue," Zevran says blandly. "For instance, you and Haliel."

[Marian Hawke]

"There's no getting past that one. It's her or Zanon. That's why I wanted to do the ritual."

[Zevran]

Zevran raises his eyebrows. "I..." He pauses, unsure which hare to chase. "Which is shorter, asking what the ritual does or why you break Haliel's heart?"

[Marian Hawke]

She flinches. "So this ritual, I was looking up different stuff about sexuality, since I didn't learn it very well the first time," (typical Alydran,  blaming one's self for a lesson badly learned, whether it's as a student or a teacher) "and I was reading about this, aromantics, who don't date but sometimes do have sex -- allosexual aromantics. I found some rituals that involve changing your traits, usually temporarily, in a metaphysical way, so that you can partake in rituals that require you to be a certain thing, like how women will sometimes ceremonially become men or vice versa for a given ritual that requires male energy. And I figured, if I can ceremonially become aromantic, but put some extra power into that, and make it permanent, like a fleshcrafting ritual..."

[Zevran]

Zevran tilts his head to the side. "That seems... very risky, trying to... fiddle with your brain like that," he says cautiously. "Being romantic, being able to love, is not like changing your hair color or even gender. That is... a very murky, fuzzy thing. Why would you think such a risk necessary?" 

[Marian Hawke]

"It's a distraction," she says, looking down at the book, the complicated diagram drawn across the page. "I keep falling for girls, caring about them, wanting them to like me back, and I can't be spending half my time doing that if I'm going to become good enough. I've already got such a late start at it. I need to focus."

[Zevran]

"...good enough for what? Do you have some Doom or fated quest upon you?" Is that why Beth was so worried about her? Why did she not tell me?

[Marian Hawke]

"Just, you know. Good enough. Powerful enough." She traces a rune with a finger, adding, "Strong enough that nobody can make me do things anymore."

[Zevran]

"So... a deity?" Zevran hazards. "That seems... unlikely," he adds diplomatically. And only seventeen of the gods do not have to obey another god. Well, sixteen, given Vangal and His dom/sub relationship.

[Marian Hawke]

"You wouldn't understand," she snaps. "You're cool and sexy, I'm sure you can talk your way out of plenty of shit, but when you're like me, there's a world of fucking difference between being so weak every mortal can just make you do shit and being strong enough it takes an Outsider."