The Amell Legacy: Transgressions

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel stares at her for a moment. "Marian, I would offer my life for a stranger! I do it all the time! Loving you is the first time I've felt like maybe living can be more than just protecting others and serving Bastion. And Astea," she adds out of forced habit. "I don't know anything about love either, not really. A brother I knew for five years as a child and parents that think of me as a fellow shield along the wall. But I wanted so badly to find out with you," she finishes in a whisper.

[Marian Hawke]

"You deserve someone better," she mutters, wiping at her eyes, willing herself to stop crying already! "I'm not what you want, I'm not. I can't be what you want me to be. But I wanted-- want-- to be friends. I don't want to be your one chance at love or your reason to live or, or anything like that! It's too much. I can't. You want me to be someone I've never been."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel licks her lips, her innately empathic nature pushing past her hurt and, yes, resentment, to make her consider Marian's point of view. It's too much... your one chance... "I- I'm sorry," she whispers, closing her eyes. "You're right, that was... cruel of me. To put that much on you. I do love you. I don't think I could ever not love you, for the hope you gave me, for the friendship and..." And love, she doesn't say. "But I shouldn't have put all that on you. I'm sorry. I should have been a better person and helped you, not... pressured you."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head. "I don't want help, either! I want-- I want--"

She wipes at her face again, trying to stem the tide. "I want to be someone. Myself. Me. All by myself, just be someone worth knowing. Someone you'd like to know. You remember the day we met? I invited you back to my place and made food and you were so excited because I can cook and you acted like it was, like it was the best alchemy in the world? And it wasn't even my house and it wasn't really my food and I was lying about being okay by myself and my master just, just abandoned me like I'm nothing, but you thought I was cool. Remember that? But now you know I'm not, I've never been cool, and I hate it, I hate being your project, I hate being Bela's puppy dog, I hate being the apprentice who disappointed Helene, I hate being a failure!" 

[Haliel Lightsong]

"I- you're not a project," Haliel says blankly. "You- you're my friend. You've helped me just as much. More. It's not-" She shakes her head. "Marian, I was so ignorant I didn't even know how to tease someone! I didn't know how to flirt or use sarcasm and- and  you're still so much smarter than me. You know so much more than me. Just now, you taught me something. Something important. I want to help you, yes, but gods above, I want your help back. I want us to be partners, helping each other."

[Marian Hawke]

"I-- I want that but... but I can't. Not yet. I don't-- I'm only just starting. That's all. I want to figure this out, I want to find my Path, I want to have something to offer. I want to be me before I figure out how to be your partner. So, so if you can't be in my life while I figure that out, f-fine, but, don't act like, don't pretend I broke your heart if that's your call."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel stares a moment. "Why didn't you tell me that?" the paladin demands in nearly a wail. "You just- you told me we couldn't be together and then spent all your time with Miss Isabela and Mister Zevran and you barely even talked to me! I thought- I thought you were just... you treated me like the other students used. Polite and just friendly enough that the teachers wouldn't scold them. I thought..."

[Marian Hawke]

"Because I don't know how to be friends!" Marian cries, with frustration and pain. "I was doing the best I could! And it wasn't enough for you!" 

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel wipes at her cheeks rapidly. "It wasn't," Haliel admits. "But this is," she adds in a more even tone. "Knowing... that you still want to... try someday. Having that hope is... it's enough. I want you to be happy Marian. I want us to be together, I want us to be happy together someday. If you need time to sort yourself out first... I won't lie and say it's gives me joy to have to stand by and watch you fight and suffer alone. But if that's what you need from me... I can wait for you to come back. Even if... even if it's just to say goodbye," she finishes painfully, the last a plea to be given that much.

[Marian Hawke]

"I will," she says, forcefully. "Even if-- even if I think you'll hate me, I'll tell you if it's goodbye. M-maybe a letter," she admits, "if I'm not brave enough, but I won't just... if I just vanish, someone killed me. Okay?"

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel blanches a little, swallowing hard. "I- not matter what... what you become, I swear I won't... I will never raise my blade against you," she says tightly. "I couldn't. I might try to stop you... but I couldn't hurt you."

[Marian Hawke]

Marian's shoulders slump with relief. "Th-thank you. I-- I wasn't s-sure."

[Haliel Lightsong]

"You've been hurt a lot," Haliel says gently. "Even if you... even if you sent so far I could never approve, I couldn't betray the woman who showed me love that way. It would be too much."

[Zevran]

They are both so precious. And seriously fucked up. I think? It occurs that this might be normal... how would I know? Zevran frowns slightly as he ponders that idea.

[Marian Hawke]

She gives a bitter laugh. "They say you'll never find someone who loves you more than your mother," she jokes. "So who knows, maybe someday you'll decide I'm ruining your life and have your brother send me away forever. But-- but I don't think so. I... I think you're honestly too good for me. For anything like my fucked-up life. So-- what I mean is-- thank you."