The Amell Legacy: Transgressions

[Haliel Lightsong]

A sexual what? "...okay? Go on," she adds quickly, wanting to be encouraging. She shifts so she's facing Marian more directly, fighting the urge to reach out and take her hand. Not until she says it's okay to do that sort of thing. I won't push.

[Marian Hawke]

"Asexual means neither -- means never feeling attraction to anyone, of any sex." Marian watches Lightsong's face, waiting for the flash of understanding

[Haliel Lightsong]

It takes a few seconds, almost a moment, and then her eyes widen. "You- you think- that I..?" I... can't feel... that it's not... That there's nothing I can do to make... to make Marian feel wanted. She swallows a little, trying not to let her disappointment show.

[Marian Hawke]

She nods vigorously. "That's why you didn't understand what I was saying before -- you just never felt it! Not ever, not for anyone. So it's not me, exactly. It's just, you're just... Not built for it. For sex." Still she sounds proud, triumphant, as though she has solved some great mystery.

[Haliel Lightsong]

She... she's happy? She's happy... because it means it's not a flaw in her. Because it's not another way she's falling short. Okay. So put her aside. She's fine. At least right now, she's fine about this. So. "How do I feel about this?" Turned inward, she doesn't even notice that she said that out loud. 

It... it's disappointing. Not just about not being able to be with Marian but... So many good things are said about sex and I won't even have that. So many song and stories celebrating it. Does this mean... is that what my parents are too? Are they asexual? They aren't married, nor mates. Not really. There's never been... they're friends, yes, but nothing more. And companions first and second, before friends. Is that why... "So... so I won't ever have love," she murmurs, eyes closing with pain. If I'm like them... then... If I ever do have children, will I even care about them?

[Marian Hawke]

"Uh," says Marian, stopping short. I had assumed she wouldn't want it. "Well, define love," she says, thinking rapidly. "There is the love between siblings, or good friends. Or you can adopt children. Or um. Pets?"

[Haliel Lightsong]

"But... my parents..." She swallows thickly. "I... they had me because... because they were given signs that their... breeding would produce strong offspring. My brother was born because I was so promising. Neither of them knew anything of Ciren save some vague and detached notions of comfort, a sense of general concern for the young. There was never any joy or passion in them, not for anything. I never saw them so much as give the other a caress. Fuck. The most common reasons they even touched was sparring or healing. They never loved each other. Or us. Is that what I am?"

[Marian Hawke]

"I-- I mean--"

She falters, frowning slightly. "W-well... Let's look at this logically. Do you feel joy? Passion of any sort? Do you like children?"

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel sucks in a deep breath, trying to calm down. "Y-yes? I- yes," she breathes out, a wave of relief hitting her. "I felt joy just- just a bit ago. Seeing you, hearing you humming as you made bread. Just- just seeing you made me happy. Passion... well, I'm still trying to find a... hobby," she says the word as if it were a newly discovered example of a long forgotten tongue. "But I've had plenty of instructors speak of my passion for helping others. And children are lovely. A bit intimidating, with how small and precious they are. How trusting and dependant they can be. But..." Her expression softens, lips curving just a little. "I would like a child one day. If I survive to be older, when it becomes time to teach and guide instead of quest... yes."

[Marian Hawke]

"Well, there you go," says Marian. "That's all of Ciren. And you want a child, you're not... Selective breeding," she says, with clear distaste. "So yes, you will have love."

[Haliel Lightsong]

"But it's not... it's not all passion. Not thee passion," Haliel says softly, the light dimming in her eyes again. "It's not... not the passion you need from me. And if you're right... it never will be. I won't ever..." Her voice cracks and she starts to blink rapidly to fight back tears.

[Marian Hawke]

"I--"

Her voice cracks, and she looks away. "I thought we might be better friends," she whispers. "Now that I know you don't... Disapprove. Of me. Two fucked up girls who won't ever marry, you know? Maybe we can live together someday and raise a kid."

[Haliel Lightsong]

"Marian..." Haliel says, voice pained and loving. "I... I do very much want to be your friend. Always. And you liking girls- no. You wanting to have sex with women, with me, has never bothered or disappointed me in any way. Okay, aside from me not being able to... match it. I regret that part." She lifts her hand, then winces, pausing. "M-may I... touch you again?" she nearly whimpers.

[Marian Hawke]

Marian nods, reaching for Lightsong's hand. "I... I really... You're so... I'm glad I met you."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Taking the hand, she moves it so she can cup Marian's check with their clasp hands. "I as well, Marian. I..." She smiles faintly, eyes as damp as her hair. "I think what I feel for you is love. I really do. I want us to be together for true, in whatever way you will have me."