The Amell Legacy: Transgressions

[Haliel Lightsong]

"Can you... tell me what happened?" Haliel asks softly. "If you're comfortable. I don't have much personal experience but... I'm good at mortal behavior and understanding emotions, if I may brag a little. If what you did with- him made you feel worse than the aftermath of what you did with Beth, then something must be wrong with what happened with him."

[Carver Amell]

"Lots of things," he whispers, cheeks burning. "I-- I th-thought it was because I wasn't a g-girl. That, because he... he touched my breast, with his gloved fingers, and rubbed my... my parts, over my clothes, that it-- it felt amazing, I wanted more right away, but after, I felt... low. Miserable. I th-thought it was because I was... because he touched the parts I hate. He made the parts I hated most feel amazing, and I, I loved it, I felt good, but after I wanted to hurt myself, wanted to die. The other t-time I got c-caught was the time he taught me about ropes, he... I begged, I wanted to learn how to make him feel good, I had t-tried with my mouth earlier but it wasn't any good, I wasn't any good, so I... I asked him what he liked. And he tied my hands up and p-pinched me, while he was touching me, and I didn't like being pinched, but... I wanted him to feel as good as he made me feel. He always focused on making me feel good, I wanted to... to pay him back."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel's eyes narrow. "Did... hmm. I really wish I had gotten a chance to met him in person," she murmurs. "Did he explain things to you at all? Or did he simply do things to you? Was he always in control of the encounters, entirely so?"

[Carver Amell]

"He-- he was in control. He said..."

Carver closes his eyes, remembering. "The first time he touched me... He said, he hated to see me so sad and hurting all the time. He said, he wanted to make me feel good. He said, surely that's alright? I said, what do you mean, and he said, do you trust me, and I said, yes, and he said, close your eyes, and he kissed me, and... I didn't say anything else, I just let him touch me. I wanted him to touch me. I-- actually, I asked him for more, I think I did that out loud."

[Haliel Lightsong]

So hurting and sad, vague guilt-inducing question after a vague offer of help and then a more experienced mortal overwhelming a younger mortal who is supposed to be under his care and protection. "That was... poorly done of him. Sinfully so- not in that he kissed you, kissing is fine, but in how he went about it. He's older and more experienced, in a position of power over you. He should have explained what he was going to do, then given you time to consider and agree before acting. By leaving his offer so vague, then pushing on without delay... that was abusive. Negligence or cruelty... I cannot say for sure, though his other actions and inactions do suggest intent, but he did abuse you."

[Carver Amell]

"But.. I liked it. Does that... matter?" he asks, very softly. "It... Beth used to say... that it should matter, what I want. What I like. But it never did. So I guess... I guess it makes sense that it doesn't. That he's abusive even if I love him and even if I wanted what he did."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel sighs. "It does matter what you want," she says firmly. "But... let me try to explain. If... you like cake, right?" At his nod, she continues. "Say you ask Beth to bake you a cake. You want the cake, even asked for it. And she loves you and you her. But if she steals money from you to pay for the ingredients... is that right? Is it still theft? It's not that he touched you, exactly, it's that he tricked you into wanting things that hurt you later. You liked the touching but afterwards... Would you judge the pain afterwards to be worth the pleasure? And even if it's equal or more than equal... wouldn't it have been better if he- if someone- had done the touching in a way that didn't cause the pain afterwards?"

[Carver Amell]

"But-- that's what I'm trying to figure out," says Carver, hesitantly. "Is it just that I'm a boy, that hurt me? He didn't know that. Beth didn't even know that. Nobody knew. So it's not fair to blame him for doing something I didn't tell him would hurt me."

[Bethany]

"No, but it is his fault for not explaining what he was doing. Or doing BDSM without safe words or proper aftercare," Beth puts in, then sighs. "Which is a lot less bad than... than other stuff. Still a rapist though." At Haliel's nudge, she adds, "but even rapists can maybe love people so... I don't know."

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods, slowly. "I think... I don't understand why he raped you. I can't understand that. How could anyone -- but I think, before then, I think he was just... I think he loved me. I think he was trying his best. And I think his best wasn't very good. I don't think he'd done these things before. He didn't know how to explain. He bought me a book so I could learn, but maybe he'd only read that book before too, maybe he didn't have anyone to teach him. People-- men make mistakes, bad mistakes, when they have... when we're filled with lust and don't know what to do about it. So maybe.. maybe he messed up."

[Bethany]

Beth bites her lip, then shrugs. "I can't agree but I... I mean... I think he was an asshole and a bully but most of that is gust instinct and few things I saw, some things Zev let slip and... I can't be sure. So. So maybe."

[Carver Amell]

"When I was with him, when he was touching me, I thought... it felt like... I could be a girl, and it would be okay. And if that's true, if there was any way I could be okay with being a girl, I could live. I could be with you. So-- so I really wanted things to work out," he adds, wiping away fresh tears. "And when you kept trying to ruin that I-- I got scared. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

[Haliel Lightsong]

"Love can be redemptive. He likely was both those things," Haliel says quietly. "But that doesn't mean he couldn't have loved Carver or wanted to do right by him. It's... far too rare for an abusive person to be brought back by a loved one, but it can happen. It's very dangerous to try, particularly alone. Tempting, however."

[Bethany]

Beth nods, sniffling. "I get it. I did a lot of stupid things to try and make it all work too. So... I can understand wanting to try anything," she admits. "I'm sorry I went behind your back and... and that I never realized how much you were trying too." Did... did I cause this? I mean... if J- he really was trying to be a better person for Carver, then... then did my suspicion and dislike of him... 

[Carver Amell]

Carver nods. "Will you... tell me about Zev? I don't-- I don't really remember him at all. You mentioned him a few times but.."