The Amell Legacy: Transgressions

[Marian Hawke]

"But-- it doesn't really, it provides multiple ways to be Astean?" wonders Marian. "Everyone does that. It just kicks out the ones Astea disapproves of. People who claim to worship Love and Life but don't know what that means."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel snaps her fingers. "That's what was bothering me! It spends a lot of time telling me who I can't love and why I shouldn't. That's not what Love is, not to me. There are people that I can't trust or respect, people I can't enjoy being around or even like. But everyone deserves to be Loved. Deserves to be helped and nurtured so they can be worthy of more."

[Marian Hawke]

"Well, sure, in a general sense, I guess, but it's... Asteans are transformed by their love, changed and remade by it. It's more intense than like, Bastionite love for the family."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel frowns. "Why?" she asks curiously. "Why should love be a punishment or a duty?"

[Marian Hawke]

"It's not-- it's not punishment. It's..." 

Marian hesitates, fumbling for words. Finally, she closes her eyes, trusting her intuition. "Astean love, the Love that begets Life, it... it changes you. It's as radical and powerful as Carver's fleshcrafting. It brings new life to the soul the way Astea brings life to the shell. When you really love someone, you change into your best self. You become someone better than you were. You become worthy, capable of doing things you never thought possible before. That's not going to happen with a lukewarm love, like... like how I love my siblings, despite barely knowing them. It-- it's more like how I f-feel about y-you, actually," she says, voice dropping in volume with embarrassment. "H-how I couldn't-- I couldn't let you die, despite not having any tricks I could pull. I just had faith and love, and that made miracles happen."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel's smile is blinding, even if she feels a pang of sorrow at how Marian describes her relationships with her siblings. "Oh Marian..." She reaches across the table. "I Love you as well. I could not let you die either. Adoration... I think that's why She intervened and allowed you to come back. You were willing to die for me and when I offered the same, she accepted my service instead." It's only after she says the words that she realizes what she just confessed to.

[Marian Hawke]

Marian pulls her hand back in shock. "You-- what?! No, no no-- you shouldn't-- you shouldn't do that. Don't you see? That's why they warned against sapphic love -- we're too similar, our love leads only to death for both of us. I won't become my best self with you, I'll just die saving you, and vice versa."

[Haliel Lightsong]

"And yet we both lived," Haliel points out gently. "You saved me so I could save you. Remember, if you hadn't done what you did, if you hadn't loved enough to give up everything... the dragon would have killed you anyway."

[Marian Hawke]

"Only because of literal divine intervention, Haliel, I can't let you die, I can't cause your death, we can't do this, I'm not even Astean!" 

Marian's words tumble out of her in a rush, like vomiting up a flooded river. "You should convert, and you should get rid of me," she adds, after pausing only long enough to take a breath. 

[Haliel Lightsong]

"Divine intervention that we earned because of our love," Haliel counters, then pauses for a second. Not Astean... "For someone that does not follow Her... your words, when you spoke of Love and how it betters you- that was devout, Marian. Holy."

[Marian Hawke]

"I converted away," she snaps. "Haliel. Please. You have to listen to me."

[Haliel Lightsong]

"I am listening," Haliel promises. "I disagree, but I promise to listen and consider your words. But Marian, me loving you doesn't make it any more likely that I will fall in combat. If anything, it makes me fight harder, to come back to you."

[Marian Hawke]

"Or that when I fuck up, you'll die trying to save my worthless life," she snaps, but hearing herself, she stops, taking a deep breath, then another. No, that's wrong. I'm not worthless. I'm not.

"Please," she adds, more gently. "I don't want your death, Haliel. I never want that. Please don't ever offer that again. Promise me."

[Haliel Lightsong]

Haliel studies Marian for a long moment, the struggle about whether to agree clear on her face. I have promised to myself to defend others, to shelter those in need with my shield and my flesh if need be. I have sworn to offer Hope to those without, to give Compassion to those in need, to bestow Mercy on those that seek it. But I am also, if only for now, sworn to Life and Love and all the rest. Can I offer my life, even to save another? Can I do otherwise? All Life is equal, all Love worthy. But... Her face grows troubled and she sighs. "I... I need to think on that, Marian. I don't know where my vows demand I go with such a thing. How can I let a life, any life, be lost if I could save it? But is not my life of value as well? I... I need to think, please."

[Marian Hawke]

Marian nods, swallowing. "Thank you," she whispers. "I-- I'm not Astean, anymore. I was, for a while. For as long as I could be. But I'm not. Now I'm of Zanon. I have to seek perfection. I need to better myself. I need to find my own path, the way that I can walk that will make me a better person, since the... I don't have the capacity for the kind of love that would do it. I don't want to die. I have been on a path that leads to death, and I would rather be on one that leads somewhere grander. So... I'm sorry, and I do love you, but that can't be my number one priority right now. I have to follow where the Path leads, whether that's towards or away from you. Can you understand that?"