Hazelnuts and plaid

[Marian Hawke]

But Hawke is shaking her head. "I pulled away from you. I hid things from you. This is my sin, not yours."

[Aveline Vallen]

"Hawke," Aveline says, looking miserable. "I didn't even realize, not really, how bad things were. You don't have to hide things from someone that isn't bothering herself to fucking look."

[Marian Hawke]

"I almost cost you your job, your whole livelihood. You needed to fight for that. You should have been able to trust me to be okay."

[Aveline Vallen]

"I should have been able to trust that you'd ask for help," Aveline counters. "True. But if you're blaming yourself for not noticing or doing something about my troubles, I can damn well do the same!" Her eyes tighten as she realizes she's starting to shout and she ducks her head for a moment, a faint blush showing on her ears. This is horrible, a dozen times worse than my period. I really, really hope it's just because of how sudden it is and that it'll settle the fuck down.

[Marian Hawke]

Marian winces. "I'm sorry. I remember how bad it was, being pregnant."

[Aveline Vallen]

"I-- Yes. Well, no. I mean, it's--" Aveline groans softly, lifting her head to show a lopsided smile. "It's playing merry hell with my emotions but at the same time..." Her other hand, the one with her shield braced on the forearm, presses gently against her stomach. "It's too early for them to move, but I can still feel the... weight of them there. It's... it's pretty okay, you know?"

[Marian Hawke]

Shut up, Marian (See? Even Ms Man-hands is a better mum than you) I need a drink. "I'm glad," she says, wiping her eyes. 

[Aveline Vallen]

Aveline's eyes narrow and she tugs at Hawke's hand, pulling her a little closer. "Hey. I'm paying attention now, amata. What was that? Why did I see shame and..." She hesitates, not sure if she wants to name what else she saw. Not wanting to imagine why Hawke would be feeling loathing at that moment.

[Marian Hawke]

"I... I'm a really shitty mum," she whispers. "I shouldn't be around the babes when they're born."

[Aveline Vallen]

"What?" Aveline blurts out, eyes wide. "Hawke, you're wonderful with children. Why would you ever think that?"

[Marian Hawke]

"I nearly killed them! And-- and-- I wasn't--" She shakes her head, wrapping her arms around herself. 

[Aveline Vallen]

"You didn't mean to," Aveline replies fiercely, even as her shield hand curls tighter against her belly. "It was an awful, terrible accident caused by-- by depression and carelessness. You would never have done anything like this on purpose. Not ever."

[Marian Hawke]

"I'm a shit wife and a worse mum. I need... I need to get better before I'm safe for them to be around."

[Aveline Vallen]

"Well, I mean, you have almost two," fucking, "years so..." She offers a wavering but game smile. "And you're not either of those, not really. Not saying 'better' isn't a good plan, but it's not... You're not a monster, amata."

[Marian Hawke]

"Maybe I should go to the Oak, if I don't get sent to prison?"