Under Darkness [AU]

[Tethras Clan]

"Do- with her- perhaps. But want? No. Even for love, it would be wrong to... lessen yourself. That's not love, that's..." Zevran trails off, not sure of the right word.

"Appeasement maybe?" the paladin suggests. "Just like you want Merrill to be happy, to do the things that make her happy, Merrill wants you do do things that you like. Not with each other, perhaps, but... it sounds like you and Zevran have a lot of overlap with your, ah, kinks, right?" Zevran nods, smiling faintly. "So maybe you two can explore those together, so you can understand them. Control those desires so they're only acted upon when you want to."

"Like your magic," she says, suddenly inspired. "Your frosting up or casting on pure emotion. You had to train to get past that, to be able to control that part of yourself. It's much the same, I think. Similar anyway. Understanding it, learning the limits, the nuances, in a safe, controlled manner, will help you."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke shudders. "The more I learn about myself, the more I hate myself," she whispers. "I wish I were more like Zevran."

[Tethras Clan]

"How so my love?" Zevran asks gently. "I- to be honest, I often think the same of you. And Aveline, Merrill and Isabela as well. I... sometimes do not like myself either."

Aveline reaches over to take his hand, her own skin, pale for a human, a stark contrast against his soft grey. "You are a wonder, Zevran. We love you, skin to soul."

[Marian Hawke]

Hawke nods. "You went through so much, and came out better, more yourself, than before. I went through less, and came out.... broken. I wish I were as... resilient, as flexible, as kind and compassionate, as considerate, as you are."

[Tethras Clan]

"I... I was..." Zevran sighs. "My... time in darkness was longer, yes, but less... personal. Much of what was done to me, was done... almost casually. As part of an indifferent system. There were times when it was... very personal but that was rarer. And more spread out. I never spent months being... broken in like he did to you. Nor did I ever think I loved any of my masters. And mind magics were rare as well, and only used for a single game, so at least I could trust my own mind." He shudders, skin crawling at the idea. "That must make a difference, a very large one."

[Marian Hawke]

"I've never trusted myself," she says, quietly. "My judgement has always been flawed, been lacking. I trust in the Clan, submit myself to your better judgement, and thing just... work out."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke... amata. You're part of the Clan as well," Aveline reminds her lover. "Your judgement, your needs and preferences... they're all important too."

[Marian Hawke]

She shakes her head. "Who even am I? Varric's ethics, Zevran's sexuality, Aveline's strength, Merrill's gentleness, Wynne's magic, Anders' justice, Carver's temper. I try to be what you need, to reflect back the best parts of you, rather than what I want."

[Tethras Clan]

"Well... that's... I mean, that's not as uncommon a thing. The way you put it, maybe, as it's... harsher, more negative. But I do the same thing. I act differently with you, with Zevran, than I do- did- at work. I'm... warmer, more open about myself and my feelings with you. I'm more outgoing and... sexual with Zevran. People change themselves to echo and mesh with their loved ones. Or even just people they admire or envy." Aveline frowns slightly, thinking. "That part isn't a bad thing. It's... it's the degree you change yourself, as if nothing but what you mirror has value, that worries."

"I sometimes think that every one of Hawke's... flaws or weaknesses comes back to her self-esteem. Or rather, the shambles her youth left it," Zevran says bitterly. "If she valued herself more, she would not mirror so broadly. If she valued herself more, she would not be willing to cast herself in harm's way. If she valued herself more, she would..."

[Marian Hawke]

"My youth wasn't so bad," she says, automatically. 

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke," both of her lovers scold her in perfect unison.

[Marian Hawke]

"It wasn't! There was a bad year, the year Bethany died, but compared to what Merrill went through? It was nothing."

[Tethras Clan]

"Hawke, it's not a competition," Zevran reminds her. "'Not as bad' means nothing. And it wasn't just that one year either. Abandoned by your father, your brother constantly trying to challenge you so he could feel like he has control over something in his life, and then there's your flaming harpy of a bitch."

"Zevran, you should respect our elders," Aveline says in the blandest, least sincere reprimand she could muster.

[Marian Hawke]

"Mother wasn't that bad before Bethany died, and neither was Carver. It wasn't a perfect childhood, but it was downright idyllic compared to the things that have happened to me since."

[Tethras Clan]

Zevran shrugs. "Perhaps."

"It doesn't entirely matter," Aveline puts in. "That year did happen, and the shit they put you through cracked your foundation in a way that's poisoned a great deal of everything that came after. You're working on it though. Purging it out, learning to work around it."